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Parenting

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Original poster

I'm normally a patient parent, I have a little PMT at the moment but if he corrects me one more time I may blow my top. What do I do?

59 replies

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 26/01/2010 21:50

He's very bright, I go through it time and time again, he shouldn't correct people because they don't like it. I couldn't give a shite that I've spelt something incorrectly, worse things happen. He's 10, everything I try just seems to go through one ear and out of the other. He has to have the last word in everything aswell. It's driving me nuts.

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Katisha · 27/01/2010 00:00

That is not meant to be accusatory by the way...

Original poster

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 27/01/2010 00:01

When people talk to him he comes across as very bright so people always tell him this which I don't think is a good idea. I try to encourage him to respect people and to listen to him, it's not helpful to him if he gets a job and can't get along with people or corrects his boss. He is developing people skills, he does show caring and consideration but his need to 'help' someone by correcting them won't do him any favours.
He goes to a church school, it's smaller and places emphasis on showing kindness and respect, it's how I wish for him to be raised.

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Original poster

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 27/01/2010 00:03

It's OK Katisha I really appreciate your help. I can see where you are coming from, I don't think people help when they go on about how clever he is, it just feeds his ego. It won't help him when he's in a job, people skills are just as important, if not more important.

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coldtits · 27/01/2010 00:08

Some people never grow out of this. I did, but I was about 25 and I had 2 children, so don't hold your breath.

I may not have been popular for it, but my God I was always right

Katisha · 27/01/2010 00:11

What a tough one. My DSs go to a church school as well and I have been pleased with the emphasis on social values (or whatever we want to call them - its late and I have had wine...) - anyway - it has definitely sunk in.

coldtits · 27/01/2010 00:12

He sounds JUST like me. JUST like I was at 10, and JUST like I have been my whole life. And, tbh, just like my dad.

He will struggle for the next ten years, then his body and experience will grow into his personality. My base personality hasn't changed since I was 10, just that people accept it from a 29 year old.

Original poster

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 27/01/2010 00:12

Fark it!!

The bloody annoying thing is though, is that he is right! He needs to learn that people can make their own mistakes and will ask if they need help. He just can't help himself sometimes. I may have to train him, encourage him to resist the urge to correct. He's not the teacher, it must piss her off (I think it does piss her off, she's a good christian though so just smiles through her irritation).

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Katisha · 27/01/2010 00:14

Yes training is called for. Maybe with some sort of bribe reward system to reinforce...

coldtits · 27/01/2010 00:15

Yes, and that is the problem. He has the intelligence to see other people making mistakes, and the empathy to want to stop them making the mistakes, but NOT the emotional maturity that only comes when you are an adult, an an older one at that, to know that sometimes you have to just let people make a mistake.

If he's big into rights, explain to him that other people have the right to privacy levels that may in fact be higher than those he requires, and that other people have the right to learn from their mistakes, otherwise they don't learn properly, and that if people want to do things 'wrong, then as long as it isn't hurting anyone, that is their HUMAN RIGHT

blinder · 27/01/2010 00:16

I think you should do the counter-intuitive thing and thoroughly accept his correcting behaviour. I'll back up that crazy suggestion with reasons (ahem).

Any behaviour you focus on is likely to increase.
Your correcting of his correcting is saying one thing but demonstrating the opposite. Allow him to be wrong, in the same way that you want him to allow you to be wrong (in his opinion).
He is probably reflecting some trait about yourself that you don't like. Kids do this alot and that tends to be the stuff that grates the most.
Your reaction is to take his correction personally, which means you are in a battle. It's not appropriate to be in a battle as you are the adult and he is the child.
You are probably afraid of what this behaviour will lead to (people resenting him? getting a reputation as a smart arse?) but your attempts to protect him by getting rid of this behaviour will more likely convey the message that he is somehow unacceptable, leading to the very outcomes you fear.

Why not ignore or, even better, embrace his lovely (helpful, sensible, confident) attempts to put you in the right. Try it for two days and see whether anything changes. Even if he continues to correct you, you won't care so much!

Katisha · 27/01/2010 00:18

Do you think that would have worked with you Coldtits?

Original poster

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 27/01/2010 00:21

He does often talk without engaging the brain as he's tooo damn quick to stop and think so a bribe doesn't work (I've tried alot of things ).

You're right coldtits, his emotional maturity is no where near his intelligence. Empathy wise he's progressed so much over the past 12 months, I laughed at a news report (a bus skidded on ice and crashed into a tree, it amused me for all of three minutes while I pictured a skidding bus), he told me off!! "how do you think those poor people on the bus felt?"

I like your explanation. I'll try this and chat to the priest.

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Original poster

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 27/01/2010 00:22

(fluffy's fainted after reading blinders post)

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coldtits · 27/01/2010 00:24

My mother took me aside in a fit of frustration when I was well into my teens and 'explained' that just as I had the right to an opinion, and a right to voice it, she had the right to her opinion, and also the right to NOT have my opinion over-riding hers. And gradually I learned to 'agree to differ'.

But she did have to ram into my head quite often that she was a full grown adult and was entitled to live her life without my interference.

At 10, half of my over-interest in her life was from a sense of isolation from my peers. I NEEDED people to learn people behavior from, and so I probed into her life, etc, but just couldn't help commenting on her mistakes.

on one memorable occasion she was trying to leave my sister to cry to sleep (was v late at night) and I went an fetched her, spouting "Why did you have another baby if you just want to leave her to cry???"

Typical empathy with no maturity.

The only thing that really worked was age. Sorry.

zippy539 · 27/01/2010 00:28

Belle - if it's any small consolation I've recently met a couple of people at work who sound like your ds (I'm freelance so meet different folk on different jobs). In this instance both individuals were lovely and charming but felt (morally) obliged to point out every mistake that any one individual made. However BECAUSE they were lovely and (clumsily) charming and could take it when asked to 'back off' they were extremely well liked in the general team - and came to be relied upon as the 'voice of common sense'.

I suppose what I am saying, in a roundabout way, is that you could see your ds's traits in a positive way provided that you make him see that sometimes he has to back down and give folk a break! It sounds to me that you are doing just that - try the priest (try anyone you can think of!) to engender in him the empathy which will turn his 'correction' habit into something positive.

Ultimately, with your guidance, he could mature into a completely fabulous, straight talking wunderkid. I came to LOVE the two guys I worked with.

In the meantime have a stiff gin (or whatever your vice) and get him to BACK OFF your email!

blinder · 27/01/2010 00:30

Original poster

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 27/01/2010 00:34

Thankyou.

He's always asking what I am writing when I'm on here aswell. I should try and see it as him learning about helping people rather then him interfering. The emails are out of bounds though. I will see it as an opportunity to help him with his social skills. Hmm.

Thankyou all I'll give it a few weeks and let you know if it works or if I'm in a bigger hole then I am in now.

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CarGirl · 27/01/2010 00:41

I remember one of your previous posts about your ds, am very happy to hear you've found him a much better school.

Have you tried a card system. So a yellow card that you can flash when he has corrected you and then a red card for when he has overstepped the mark??? Doesn't have to be sanctions with them more of a learning tool.

Just think it's a quick visual clue that shows him that he is hurting feelings with his words regardless of whether he's right or not?

zippy539 · 27/01/2010 00:45

Meant to say - the blokes I came across were games designers (xbox, pc etc). It seems to be field in which total accuracy and critical faculties are a commodity. Maybe you need to start steering your ds in that direction.

Original poster

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 27/01/2010 00:46

Thankyou cargirl. He is so much happier. He's worried about the teachers talking about him when he's out of the room though, he's told me this more then once. He's made alot of friends though, we walk home via the same route as the old school sometimes though and he hides behind me so children don't see him and squeezes my hand. It's sad really.

I did try giving him a little star as a sign to stop so I wouldn't have to say anything (this encourages him to have the last word) but we lost it . I can pick up another one though.

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Original poster

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 27/01/2010 00:49

Games! It's all he does on my laptop! I have to limit his time on here. I'm looking into hobbies he can do at the moment. I ruled out games workshop as the staff are too silly and immature so ds just answers them back. I thought he could try horse riding so am looking for something locally. Team sports are not a good idea, he has problems with his feet and falls over alot.

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zippy539 · 27/01/2010 00:51

I think the star thing sounds good.

Honestly - you sound like you love him to death so it's going to work out fine. Just do what you think you have to do - and GET HIM OFF YOUR EMAIL.

If anything it's you who needs the space. Get out and do something without ds - get a baby sitter and go. You need a break.

CarGirl · 27/01/2010 00:52

It's a shame your local GW shop doesn't have some good staff, it can really vary. Dh got into GW at a young age and still plays one of the games (no longer supported by GW) and it's one that is very tactical - think chess but with dice rather than battle field. Most of the men are to do with programing, games etc etc

Perhaps he could try the on line version - Blood Bowl.

Original poster

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 27/01/2010 00:55

I do. I want to do dance classes but I don't know if the babysitter will look after him until 9pm when they finish (she doesn't like walking down the road when it's dark). I used to abandon him in games workshop and go for a coffee, I'm waiting for the immature manager to leave so ds can go back. I'm normally at Uni during the week so it's nice to relax. He's not a bad child, he tries to be helpful, I need to let him do more in the house I think.

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zippy539 · 27/01/2010 00:57

Def don't rule out the games thing. A lot of the guys (and girls) who are into them are seriously smart.

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