Feeling down - want to be a stay at home mum!

[NobbyD]

Hi everyone,

This is a rather selfish post as am feeling quite down in the dumps and wanted to voice it and I understand thats what MN is for!

I work full time, 37 hours a week. I have an 18month ds who goes to nursery 4 days a week (which is handily attached to dp's work so he does all drop offs and pick ups) and then fridays he is with MIL.

I work quite far away - although am changing my job soon which will hopefully be better travel. I leave the house at 7.30 and don't return til gone 6 which means 5 days a week I see ds for approx 1 hour every day and its killing me.

Dp also works full time but as mentioned he takes ds to nursery and picks him up at about 4pm everyday so they have 2 hours together before I even get in. Dp cooks his dinner which I am sometimes home in time to give to him but more often am not. By the time I get in its the military routine of book, bath, milk, bed.

I feel I am missing out on so much. I come home and he's learnt a new phrase or done something for the first time and I wasn't there. Its just so hard but yet I cannot afford to change it (hence this is a silly rant).

Any other working mums who knows how to get over the guilt?

I am a SAHM who really wishes she had not given up work. I am finding it impossible to get back into work.
Maybe you could try doing less hours, but I wouldn't stop working altogether knowing what I do now.

Full time is hard. I work nearly full time but finish at 3 two days a week - because my work is very close to school this allows me to do the pick up twice a week and get dd3 earlier from nursery. It's still hard.

You have a great set up for your ds - his days aren't tto long at nursery, mil helping out obviously a boon and your dh being so close is ace. So - as far as he is concerned I don't think you should feel guilty at all. Your son is fine. Ther person who is suffering here is you. that's not to say you are wrong but you obviously aren't where you want to be. Packing it all in and sahming isn't an easy answer too so don't feel bad you can't do that. Cutting down on the commute is one thing that would really help. Also why not ring the nursery occasionally and ask to talk to his keyworker about him - they may need to call you back if busy. That way you could hear it from the horses mouth as it were. Remember - you working benefits you lifelong and will benefit him too. You are parenting for the rest of your life and there will always be things we're not there for. See what you can, catch up when you can and DON'T puncish yourself. You love him, you're nurturing him - it's not about hours served.

what northern said!

If you are so unhappy could you look at ways to change things? The new job is a start hopefully. I was in a simelar boat years ago and gave up to be a SAHM and never regretted it. Yep my career is screwed up but that isn't important to me and I keep up with voluntary work/OU study just in case. I felt so guilty too as DD hated nursey (I know some love it but she would not settle). My DH changed his job eventually and got better money but before that, I worked weekends and often did 13 hour shifts Sat and Sun to manage the money while DH had DD, he worked Mon-Fri while I had DD. I gave up to fully SAH when his new job was odd hours.

Thanks people for the advice.

jellybeans - I have started to try and changei. Like you said the new job should help as I will hopefully reduce my travelling. But there isn't really an option to quit altogther. We have just bought a new house and my income is very much needed to keep up the repayments. I am lucky that ds LOVES nursery. He really shines there - something that makes me feel a little jealous tbh.

Northernlurker - thanks for the advice. I do occassionally get to talk to his key worker at nursery and I always get letters home telling me how great he's doing and they let dp take his scrap book of photos etc home so I get to see it every now and then. They are great there and couldn't ask for a better nursery. Ds always talks about his carers and the other children at home, usually followed by the word "cuddle" so I know he is enjoying it.

I will try not to beat myself up about it but when I see his beaming little face of an evening rushing up to give me a cuddle, I can't help but wish I'd been there all day (but saying that I wouldn't get that reaction, would I?)

No you wouldn't

The thing is - we don't get double time so you can do the work thing or the 24/7 kid thing. YOU CANNOT DO BOTH so in my book it's pointless to beat oneself up. In an ideal world I would like two days in every one I value my kids immeasurably but I also value my skills and abilities beyond them. There's a cost to us whatever our choice. Coming to terms with that is the biggest single favour you will do yourself. Your ds is a very happy little boy - that's down to the choices you and dh have made. That sounds like a bloody good job done to me.