dd2 hitting and pulling dd1's hair - what to do?

[pregnabrain]

Hello mumsnet

Need your help.

dd2 (19 months) has got into a nasty habit - she deliberately pulls dd1's hair and hits her on the head. dd1 is nearly five and a very gentle soul, and wouldn't dream of hitting back but looks to me to DO something ie. discipline dd2.

Have tried reasoning, removing from the scene, leaving her by herself in her cot as a kind of time out - but nothing is working. In fact, the problem is gettting worse.

What to do? What to do?

I think you need to choose what to do as discipline and stick with it. Leaving her in the cot for a small period of time until she says 'Sorry' sounds the best idea to me. I know she is a bit young to say sorry but I believe that she will understand what you are asking and could give her sister a cuddle or say something that represents sorry. Perserverance is the key, with some kids the discipline needs to go on for quite a while before they get the message.

don't know what to suggest as you sound like you are doing all the right things. how long has it been going on? - it may just be a case of perservering until she passes this phase.

Give your DD1 lots of good attention while DD2 is in the dog house.

Thank you Spoo. I agree I need to find a path and stick to it. I haven't been consistent until now.

She does say sorry (in such a cute squeaky voice that I find it hard to stay cross with her) but I think she almost finds that fun - she anticipates me making her say sorry and she laughs all the way through it. It's like it's a game to her.

meemar - it's been a month or so and is getting more frequent. Worst when she's tired.

On the attention thing - I was wondering if it might be that i need to give her more positive attention. Maybe she's relishing the attention she gets when she's naughty because she doesn't get enough at other times

Are you me???
I am having exactly the same problem with DD2 who is 18 months. She too pulls DD1's hair and hits her on the head but she also bites. DD2 laughs even when I use my really cross voice!!
I will be watching this with interest

oh, yes thats vital. lots of +ve attention at other tims.

sorry for typing, holding v wriggly baby

Mine do tend to rush out a sorry pretty quickly, but I think if it is something quite nasty and I would include hair pulling as quite nasty (normal but nasty) they need to live with the consequences (mine normally have a time out). Otherwise they will realise they only need to say sorry and that itself doesn't put them off doing it again. Consistency I think is the biggest challenge for parents. It's all very well when you are calm and have loads of time to carry out you selected discipline but there are just sometimes when it is difficult. Close to bedtime, when your in a rush to get somewhere, during dinner. BTW I often forget to reward my kids when they are playing nicely together. We have sticker charts for good behaviour with a reward after 20 stickers. But I find that if the kids are particularly badly behaved, if I concentrate on the sticker charts it soon turns round again.

Yes, biting also figures in the abuse. Poor old dd1.

meemar - I must make much more effort to sit and play with dd2, which I did endlessly with dd1. dd2 is so much more self-sufficient that it's easy just to get on with other things that need doing instead of spending time with her (even bigger stick).

say 'no'

then ignore your 19 month old (no eye contact)

and give lots of attention to 5 year old.

try for a week consitently

if doesnt work then try a very short time out. (around 1 minute)

Thank you, Spoo. I think I'm going to have to create a safe time-out space in the house (don't want to keep using cot as I'm worried she'll start to hate her bed!).

Will make sure I praise good playing as much as possible as well. Not sure dd2 would 'get' a reward chart yet...

I agree with you about the cot. I used to just find a spot and say this is a timeout. That means it is slightly portable. I'm not sure what age I started sticker charts but I think even 19 month olds like stickers - you could always just put a sticker on her top instead of on a chart.
Going to put the kids to bed. Speak later.

yes have a "naughty spot" rather than a chair,step etc (ours is usually the hallway so we can still keep an eye on DS but he cant see us.)

Then when you are not at home you can still implement it as a punishment.

Also make sure you are consistant when using it.

At dd1's nursery they actually had a bright red spot on the floor - I might try to create something similar.

Have a feeling she'll be a tricky one to keep on the spot, though. Hence caging in the cot!

But that's a whole other thread, i suppose.

Hope its going well. You have to keep putting them on the spot for a while until they get that they have to stay on there. My record is 30 minutes.

Hello again

Haven't been near the computer all weekend so haven't posted.

Am trying a couple the things suggested on here. I'm saying NO in a very firm voice and then ignoring dd2 and focusing on dd1. Also making sure dd2 says sorry.

There's still a lot of hitting. The hardest is when it happens when I'm in another room. dd1 comes rushing in to tell me she's been hit. I never know what to do in that situation - I don't want to create a habit where dd1 runs to me every time to deal with things for her, especially when I have no way of knowing if her version of events is right. At the same time, I don't want to ignore what she's telling me.

Also caught myself having a teddy fight with dd1 in front of dd2 today - so she saw her mummy whacking her sister and thinking it was hilarious. What message does that send out? I don't want to ban all rough and tumble games...