Parent - tense around other children

[nellanella]

I have 2 children under 2 and I find that I get stressed very easily. I am now sleeping better than I was - children are sleeping through the night most nights now and that has helped a lot. Oldest girl is almost 2 and find I am very stressed when we go to playgroups. Today we were at one and one lady had 2 children there one of whom was 3 to 3.5 and quite boisterous - he was pushing and snatching and racing around and his mom did tell him off and did a reasonable job of all of that whilst looking after her 17 mo and organising drinks etc and sort of running the group.

I felt stressed being around this boy - worrying about him potentially getting physical with my daughter and upsetting or hurting her. He at one point bashed into the car she was in with his car and I spoke to him I think too harshly and I am not sure if mom heard. I know I speak harshly when frightened and get angry when frightened. It was not what the boy did it was what he might do - he pulled at the clothes of another small child and he could have (but didn't) pulled her backwards and she could have hit her head on the hard floor.

I want to try to relax a little - other mothers seem so relaxed and I am a bag of nerves almost. At home when my daughter is in the bathroom with me I am tense watching what she is doing whether it is just plain irritating (switching lights on and off) or possibly going to get her hurt. My husband's answer is to put her in the cot when he is doing things like getting dressed and I have tried to say to him that that is no longer the answer - she is getting too old and we have to learn to just have her around and about - but I am stressed/tense virtually all the time.

I don't want my children to be wrapped in cotton wool and need to break this way of thinking before they seriously pick up on it if they haven't already.

anyone?

I haven't got any suggestions other than the obvious but didn't want your thread to go unanswered. So much of this is down to personality but you've done well in recognising that this is not how you want to be. Is it worth speaking to your GP?

That is very helicopter-mum behaviour...it is also very understandable in situations like playgroup where you are going to find much bigger and more boisterous children than your own.

I don't have any answers, except to tell you it does get easier as they get older and are more able to fend for themselves. I used to do the helicopter thing around dd at softplayhellfestparties, but now she is 6 I just leave her to it.

You do sound as though you might suffer generally from anxiety? (not just with the children I mean) in which case it might, as pps have suggested, have a chat with GP or HV.

Bach Rescue Remedy and in particular Red Chestnut flower remedy is very good for anxiety/panic and the red chestnut for over-protective feeling of loved ones.

Is your DH more relaxed than you?

How old is your second child? I'm asking because I had a lot of anxiety in the first few months after DS was born, which seemed to be a hormonal thing following the birth. I only had one then, but could imagine being similar to you if I had had an older child to worry about as well. So it could be the same sort of thing?

In my case it went away gradually over time, but it would be worth talking to your GP or health visitor if yours doesn't ease off soon or if it is limiting you too much. I also found that getting together with other mums and just talking helped a lot.

thank you very much for the posts! Yes DH is much more relaxed than me and it did cause problems when DD was very young when I would get stressed about what I would see as him being careless about safety issues.

I have always tended towards stress /anxiety and it is a lot worse now having had children. I had no experience of young children before they were born and maybe held a baby once. I have no support from any friends or family within a 4-5 hr trip so apart from husband I am on my own the whole time.

I am too controlling I feel as I know I get really stressed if things start to go awry but that is getting better - I find my stress levels go through the roof when baby cries and as they both get bigger that is happening less and less.

I know I am mildly depressed - I am taking St John's wort - I live in germany and it is quite widely prescribed here. Have not been taking long enough to know whether it is working or not.

I find my stress almost goes completely when I am with just one of the children - I find watching/managing 2 really hard and baby is 8 months and I haven;t even got to the stage of her moving much yet.

I too feel better when I exercise and I know I need to improve my diet and generally look after myself better.

DD stays on the sidelines in these playrgoups - but to me fair we have not been going much recently so she has not built up a memory of going there and is not that comfortable around other children. I don;t know if that is just the way she is - but I blame myself - if she were a pushy/shovy child I would blame myself too!

I know I need to relax more with the children as I am sure they do/will soon start to pick up on my tension.

Well done it is a brave person who can admit to themself that they are struggling with it all. Lots of people in your situation and with your feelings would blame the naughty children, or the laid-back DH, and end up taking the whole thing out on the wrong people, so give yourself some kudos for that.

In the short term you could take steps to make your life easier for you to manage. 2 under 2 is hard for anybody so cut yourself some slack. Try not to leave yoursaelf in ccharge of both kids more often than necessary - enlist your DH, your mates, a nursery, or whatever else you can to get through the coming tough months.

Thinking medium-long term, get to your GP and get help with the anxiety symptoms you have identified. You do not need to take anything, a course of CBT (cognitive behaviousral therapy) is often extremely effective in this type of situation. Widely used in UK but I don't know about Germany. You can train yourself out of responding to certain situations (eg handling 2 young children or seeing boisterous other children)in a negative way (ie getting anxious). Best done with a therapist, although there are some books available if it is not possible for you to get to a therapist.

Also, if you are planning on a DC3 (unlikely I know but...) then you cannot take the st john's wort, in case you didn't already know that

good luck

I guess in reflection and not now trying to shift the blame - the boy struck me as being quite badly behaved - lots of shoving and pushing and some of it nasty and not playful. It is hard for me to judge how common it is at that age but also whether people think it is acceptable - it is not to me.

All the other mothers seemed perfectly calm at least on the surface so I do accept most of it is me and I need to change how I react but i think there is a point about some kids being terrors and it is a problem for other particularly smaller children and possibly their parents.

This is very normal, I used to glare at other "big" children at the swings when mine were little and want to tell their parents off - and then one day I sat on a bench and watched and realised that my children had turned into the "big" ones and understood that even at six, seven, eight, when they seem enormous, they simply don't have the awareness and understanding of little children that adults do.

The point being that these other children are behaving normally, your little one will learn to deal with it (with you keeping an eye)and it will all be fine. But would suggest that the anxiety seems all-encompassing and probably needs addressing in its own right.

Everything passes. It will all be fine.

thank you - I guess then what do I do in these situations - does anyone have any practical suggestions as to how I behave? I guess I need to become more consciously aware and speak to myself as I am getting anxious - i know it is happening but I am not addressing it at the time.

At toddler group, ask yourself what's the worst that could happen? Probably your daughter gets bashed on the head or knocked over, the boy gets a telling off, daughter gets a chocolate biscuit.

What does it tell your daughter about the world? That others are not always going to be nice to her but mummy ( or a trusted carer) is here to make it better. When she is older you could encourage her to say "No, I don't like that," if she is feeling threatened, and give her the confidence to attempt to resolve these issues herself. Not such a bad lesson.

Can you get dome time to yourself? I go out running with the army three times a week and it is getting me fit and keeping me relaxed. Can you go for a swim or a run? Can you go out with friends and have a few drinks?

I have been thinking about this some more, and I suddenly remembered pushing DS along in a buggy (at a few months) and thinking, 'what if a stray strand of barbed wire suddenly sprang out of a hedge, caught in his eye and I didn't notice and kept walking...' I think these mad terrors are quite normal, it's just how one controls them. I think in my case it was wine and talking about them (altho I did get some funny looks).

At toddler group, ask yourself what's the worst that could happen? Probably your daughter gets bashed on the head or knocked over, the boy gets a telling off, daughter gets a chocolate biscuit.

What does it tell your daughter about the world? That others are not always going to be nice to her but mummy ( or a trusted carer) is here to make it better. When she is older you could encourage her to say "No, I don't like that," if she is feeling threatened, and give her the confidence to attempt to resolve these issues herself. Not such a bad lesson.

Can you get dome time to yourself? I go out running with the army three times a week and it is getting me fit and keeping me relaxed. Can you go for a swim or a run? Can you go out with friends and have a few drinks?