11-year-old - hobbies, school, friends, the works

[IcedBum]

My ds doesn't like me talking about him on here and he knows my posting name so I've changed it - yes I realise not fair to him.

I am worried about him on a number of issues and not sure what to do. He is 11, is dyslexic (and is getting extra classes in literacy to help him), very intelligent and a lovely, kind, compassionate person.

He has never really stuck at a hobby. Rugby, tennis, music, have all gone by the wayside. He stops wanting to go to practice, gets stressed by exams, or whatever, but ends up giving up on most things. We kept him at his piano for the longest - maybe 4 years, but he was so unhappy with having to practice and all that that it just didn't seem worth it and he has now given up.

He is a dreadful scatterbrain - this may be traceable to the dyslexia - he loses his uniform, leaves clothes EVERYWHERE, forgets books, etc, and I am trying to work on calm checks before leaving a place to ensure he's got what he needs to leave with. I'm also doing some general memory work with him - just 10 mins each evening doing a poem or something, as recommended by the psych who diagnosed his dyslexia. He likes that but I don't see it making a huge difference. We do rosters, lists, you name it.

He will be 12 in the summer and you may think I am doing a lot of advance worrying but I think it's really important for the teen years that children have something - a sport, a hobby - to keep their focus, keep them in healthy activity and what have you.

He doesn't have a best friend and seems to be a bit of a people-pleaser, if that expression is right - he will try to act up to whoever is around. I think he is a little less mature than some of his peers. He seems generally quite popular and has never been short of invitations and all that.

Why I am worried is that I struggle to see how he is going to come together over the next couple of years, keeping all his stuff going, knowing where he is meant to be, maintaining friendships, having a full life.

It sounds really negative about him, I don't mean it to. He is a fabulous boy, I am so proud of him in so many ways. As an only child I wonder have I kept him too close to me for too long, have I overparented him, made him less independent, all these things.

It has taken so long to type out it may be lunchtime before I can see if anyone has replied. But I would really appreciate any insights into the life of an eleven-year-old boy.

Maybe someone will tell me they are all like this... the ones I see all seem to be different!

Thanks.

Well my first reaction is that if all of that is something to worry about then every parent of an 11 year old boy should be worrying! I think the point is that these two coming years are precisely when it does all start to come together. DS (11) is my oldest but from talking to those with children already in secondary, the first two years there are pretty tough on all kids as they get used to coping for themselves and moving away from the spoon-feeding approach. Some will be better at personal organisation than others but it sounds like your DS has already got some strategies in place, plus you are supporting him in any way you can, so I'm sure he'll be fine.

Friends - having a best friend at this age is both a blessing and a curse from what I've observed. If your DS has friends and is receiving invitations, I really wouldn't worry - again, it'll all shake up again in Y7 anyway.

Hobbies - looking at the list you put down, they were all quite goal driven (exams, getting in a team/playing in a league) rather than doing something for the joy of it IYKWIM. Maybe something like that would be the way to go for your DS e.g. drama, climbing, scouts, youth club etc.? But again, I think he'll have more opportunities in Y7.

He sounds lovely btw

And cycling is another good one.

Oh flashharriet thank you. and also

How nice that you picked up that he is a lovely boy.

And yes perhaps less goal-driven activities would be better. He has loved going on cycling holidays, he does enjoy walks and so on - they just seem less structured I suppose, and I think I imagine that they could quickly fall away as they are sustained only by interest and not by goals. Perhaps that is an indicator of how I approach things though, there's nothing to say he should be the same.

I never did any organised sports at that age: I just wasn't into regimented activities. I tried various instruments and gave them up.

This is not to say that I spend my formative years smoking dope in front of the telly. I did all sorts of things and some to a pretty advanced level: I just wasn't very driven by other people's goals. I read extensively, I went for long walks and cycle rides in the country, I messed around in boats, I went swimming.

Didn't have a best friend either, after the age of 9.

But again, I haven't grown up into an anti-social recluse.

At that age, I think it is very important that children learn that there are many different ways of being that are just as acceptable; there is so much pressure from outside to conform and be just like everybody else.

As long as he is a nice boy, I would try not to worry about the rest.

I don't mean to come across like a failing alpha-mum or something, it's not essential to me that he plays on the firsts, or aces everything he touches - I just want to be sure I'm doing everything I ought to be.

I am separated from his dad and though relations are very cordial between us - between all of us - and he sees his dad fifty per cent of the time - I don't want to overlook anything. I worry that between the dyslexia and the separation and me falling down on the job (possibly) he is more disadvantaged than some.

OK I appear to be a worry wart -

I think there are definitely factors at play here:

• you're goal driven

• DS is an only so you don't have the benefit of compare/contrast with siblings plus also parrnting a child who is nothing like you is a real eye-opener as well. Also, you may feel you can't make mistakes - I know my friend with twins felt like this sometimes i.e. she could never think "I'll do that differently next time"

• you are separated, so have time on your hands to mull these things over when DS is with his Dad

Take a huge step back and try and imagine what you would say to a friend if she came to you saying this. Honestly, cory is absolutely right - as long as he's happy and busy doing things that he enjoys, whatever they may be, that's all that matters

I also have a rising 12yo, and he doesn't have any 'hobbies' as such either. Over the last couple of years he's learnt the guitar, now he's having drumming lessons at school. Last term he did fencing after school, this term he wants to swap to table tennis.

I think this is the time of their life when they're learning what it is they enjoy doing. I know some children find something very early on that they want to keep doing, but some don't. Maybe in time he'll find something that really inspires him, or maybe he just likes the challenge of new things, who knows.

Yes I think you are right, and it's subtle, isn't it - that I am slightly put off by the fact that ds is so different from the person I am - very goal-driven, perfectionist, blah. He's far less worried about that kind of thing. And yes I think also I am conscious that if I blow it now it's blown, that's it.

It's nice to hear of people with similar experiences, rather reassuring.

I do get a bit focused on him needing something to be his thing, but perhaps I should sit back a bit and let him get on with whatever he wants. I have to think about this.

My DS is also 11 and this thread is so close to one I could have posted a few months ago. When DS2 was in Year Six, he was chatty, outgoing, played rugby and cricket in local teams, played classical guitar and took exams in it etc, and had 3 best friends whom he was inseperable from.

However, when he went up into Year Seven he completely changed - I think he found it hard to make new friends (all of his best friends went to a different school) and found he was really tired out by the end of each day. He said he wanted to quit his sports and music because he thought he wasn't very good at them, and lost the motivation to practise or go to training.

I am very like you in that I am a perfectionist and when I was at school used to quite enjoy taking exams and music exams to "prove" myself. I thrived under the pressure that taking exams gave and having a goal in mind made me perform better. However DS2 is not like that at all - he would prefer to be in an unpressured environment. He is now in a "band" with a few of his classmates and enjoys playing his guitar and singing but just as a hobby, not "competitively" iyswim (they just go round each others houses and "jam" ). It sounds like your DS might be the same in that he needs a hobby where he is not judged on how well he alone performs.

I know it sounds hopelessly uncool for a boy of 11 (I know mine would scoff at it ), but would he consider joining a choir? Your OP makes him sound like he is quite sociable and would enjoy a group activity, but he would be under very little pressure as he would just be singing as part of a big group. Plus, it is musical without the pressure of having to "practise" at home.

Failing that, would he enjoy just playing sport with you or a friend as a "casual" arrangement rather than as part of a club?

But honestly, don't worry if he doesn't have any structured activity at the moment. DS1 didn't in the first few years of secondary school and he is a lovely grown-up boy now, very intelligent and has never been in any significant trouble [proud mummy]. I know it is hard but as long as he seems to be happy at school and seems to have friends then I'd try not to worry .

Hope this helps

BM x

Thanks very much.

No he wouldn't scoff at choir and in fact has just joined the school one. Although he doesn't have staying power with instruments he is naturally musical and loves listening to music at the moment (although more trashy pop than choral!) so perhaps he will enjoy that.

There seem to be so many battles to be fought in the limited off-school time - doing homework, why he hasn't remembered books, where his sports gear / coat / swimming stuff / xxx has disappeared to, etc etc etc that I sometimes long for time for him to be able to relax. I know me getting on his back about organising himself to manage his own life stresses him and doesn't help. Sometimes I hear myself scolding him and it sounds so unpleasant and critical.

I do just want him to be happy - really and truly that is what I want, I don't care if he doesn't do well academically. I want him to have solid friends and to enjoy his life. I suppose, reading some of your (very considered, and appreciated) responses, it looks as if I have transferred some of my feeling that in order to enjoy life you must be goal-driven even in your pastimes.