I'm worried about my son (sorry a bit long)

[Angiel]

I wondered if anybody would be able to give me some advice about my 3 year old son.

Since I had my 3rd baby 20 months ago, he has been increasingly difficult. He is extremely clingy to my husband, to the extent that a normal family life is becoming impossible. He doesn't like his 2 sisters going anywhere near his dad, and if dad isn't sat on the sofa with him, playing with him or carrying him around, he screams constantly.

My husband can't go to the toilet or to the kitchen for a drink without him becoming totally hysterical. Going out for the day is becoming very difficult as well, as he wants to be carried all the time.

My husband works long hours, so when he is at home, it would be nice if there was some sort of harmony. As it is, it is very stressful and no one can enjoy it.

His diet is also appalling. He refuses to eat practically everything. All he wants is milk. He would eat crisps and chocolate if I let him, but I try to avoid giving him junk food, in the hope that he will eat his dinner, but he still refuses to eat anything. Today I noticed that he had quite a bit of blood in his stools and now I am worried about that as well.

Can anybody give me any clue on how I can improve things for us. TIA.

hi angiel i think it might be a good idea if you and ds could have a day together just the two of you where he could get all your attention i did this with my ds and he loved it as dd takes most of my time,i really enjoy having a day or hours just with one or the other every now and again and they love it as well

Is you son the eldest or middle?

I'm really sorry - very tired right now (pregnant with 3rd & you've just scared me!) and can't think of anything great right now, but just wanted you to know You've not been ignored/forgotten.

The thing with blood in stools - this is probably linked with poor diet but you can go to docs & get it checked & put your mind at rest.

Completely obvious, sorry, but sounds like he's very jealous & maybe need to try to give him as much one-to-one as possible (I know, extremely difficult), patience of a saint mixed with take-no-nonesence. Sorry, I am hopeless, I'm sure someone else'll come along in a minute & offer you more than drivel & sympathy.

AngieL, this sounds horrible and hard. I don't have any experience of sibling rivalry so I can't really advise on that, although I agree, he sounds as if he wants attention (durr, sorry, stating the obvious). At the same time though, you can't have him hanging off you or your dh 100% of the time, so you do need to find a way of sorting it out. I'm not sure what I'd do, I think I'd probably try to be reassuring but also quite firm about not responding to the hysterics. You just can't (presumably) drop everything to deal with him all the time and he is going to have to get used to that. Maybe other people will think that sounds harsh, but that's what I'd do I think. And I don't think he should be allowed to monopolise his dad either - your girls need him too.

On the food front, I'd keep offering healthy food and nothing else - he won't starve himself but he's using food as a way of control by the sounds of it. If my ds doesn't want what's on offer I say he can have something else but only if it's healthy. I don't believe in making food a battle ground but I also don't believe in cooking 10 meals until sir finds one that suits! So I usually go with, OK don't eat that, but help yourself to a satsuma, banana, apple, yoghurt etc instead. The alternative is never junk and he has to get it himself so I can live with it. I would take him to the doctor about the blood in his poo though if it doesn't clear up very soon - i.e in a couple of days. I don't know if any of this is any help, these are my thoughts anyway. Good luck.

i looked at your post = went away - and have come back but i dont think with anything useful! i agree with whymummy in that you prob need time alone with son.

isnt he at nursery?

has dad not told him off? its not fair to your other children is it?

re: diet and blood in stools, you should go to doctor make sure everything is how it should be.

i know there are exceptions of which your son may medically be one. but i think that children will eat when they are hungry, if you are all bothered about it they soon cotton on that its another tool to get mummy.

i have a son who is a fussy eater - he declares he doesnt like certain foods at 10 years old - i know he does and he has always been like this! this means he wont eat them - well i wont buy, cook or worry about his diet - he gets what we get and if he doesnt eat it - it doesnt bother me - then when later he asks for a banana or an apple or to microwave some rice pudding - i always say no - he wont starve until morning.
where as my mum for example would give him a healthy option becuase he didnt have a lot of tea, its unfair to the other children.

and at 3 years old if he screams and screams - i would send him to bed for unacceptable behaviour and tell him a kiss and hug is waiting for when he stops.

Thanks for your thoughts so far. I should say though, that when he is at home with me, he is like a completely different child. He has his moments, and he still refuses to eat, but he isn't clingy with me at all.

The clinginess, is solely centred on my husband, which is what makes it so difficult. If he was interested in me, I could at least share the burden. As it is, when his dad is there, he quite often tells me that he doesn't want me and I should go away.

Sorry, just seen your post custardo. I refuse to make his poor eating an issue. I give him his breakfast/lunch etc, if he doesn't eat it, I take it away. We don't have arguments about it, but sometimes I refuse to let him have more milk until he has eaten something.

I was speaking to my mil about my son's behaviour yesterday and she suggested that my husband gave me a good smack. My husband does get fed up, tells him off and walks away, but it rarely has any affect. I think he has smacked him once before, but I can't remember if ds was greatly affected by this.

good for you angiel!!

erm....dunno run out of suggestions!

i`m sure is a typo about your MIL saying dh should give you a smack

Angie - your ds could be so hysterical about getting attention from your dh because he feels he's not getting enough from him. If he's Ok with you during the day it could be that he feels is missing out on a relationship with your dh. I seem to remeber reading taht it is about 3/4 that boys start to really respond to/want a male presence. When your dh is with your ds, does he actually pay him full attention or is he distracted and offhand with him? Would it make any difference if your dh devoted 30 minutes to ds when he came home, and then firmly told him that he had to do something seperately?

Oh, please don't smack him. I really don't think it could possibly do any good - he's acting out of love not malice and I truly don't think you can punish for that. I'm no expert, but maybe he's beginning to realise that he's a boy - like daddy - and desperately wants a deeper relationship with him. You say your husband works long hours (not criticising) but this probably means your ds just longs and longs to spend more time with his adored role model. Would it help do you think for your husband to spend some really concentrated one-on-one time with your son - say taking him to the park alone for a couple of hours one weekend for a kickabout? Letting him sit on his lap in the evening while you all watch tv together? Is it possible that his behaviour is so irritating that your dh tries (understandably) to get away from ds and he senses that? I also suspect the not eating is an attempt to get more attention and I think the more calm you can be the better it will be. My ds is normally a good, even greedy, eater, but right now is hardly eating anything. I just give him milk and don't stress. I give him vitamin syrup when I feel bothered by it. He doesn't get junk food because there isn't any in the house. I'd also take him to the dr for a checkup. If he's ill or uncomfortable it might account for the not eating.

I also think the telling off and walking away is likely to make your ds's clingy behaviour worse, not better. I think a big love-in might just work.

I think it is pretty unlikely that my husband would smack him, he's just not like that with the kids. And you were right whymummy, I didn't mean that he should give me a good smack lol.

He has tried giving him lots of attention and it just doesn't seem to make any difference to his behaviour. My husband could do exactly as my son wanted all morning but if at lunchtime, my husband decides to go to the loo, all hell will break loose.

We went on holiday recently and I expected my son to be really clingy for a few days and then settle down more, as he realised his dad was around all the time. It just didn't happen. He screamed for his dad all week, he just wouldn't leave his side.

When he wakes up in the morning, the first thing he does is ask for his dad and then he starts crying.

My husband really does do the best he can with him, he has the patience of a saint, because I would have lost the plot ages ago. It has just got to the stage though,where things aren't getting any better and I think that they would benefit from some sort of counselling.

I'm very sorry if I sounded critical - I didn't mean to be and I can see you are in a very difficult situation. And I'm very glad you aren't taking your MIL's advice. Why not ask your hv or dr for some advice/referral if all else is failing. Maybe you could mention it when you take ds for a checkup for the blood? it does sound a terrible strain.

i believe anything about MIL!!
seriously though i wish i could suggest something but i have no experience ds plays up when dh gets home but nothing as bad as your ds,he does enjoy going with dh to take the dog for a walk and its always been a mans thing as ds puts it,so maybe your dh could have say 1/2h of doing the same thing with him every day,it could be a walk,bath or just sitting in the garden together it`s probably no help to your problem but good luck

God that sounds so tough for you and the family . I think it may be wanting a man 's attention. Do you know any big boys or men who would play football or hide and seek or anything ? Sometimes I've noticed that my children will take food from a friend rather than me . Your wee ds is sounding very very needy right now. I'm so sorry I can't think what else to suggest. I hope you can all live through this difficult time and come to harmony soon.

Angiel I've just logged onto this web site and searching through things found your problem!

I think you son is being a typical 3yr old who has had his nose put out of joint! Sounds like he is using your husband as a weapon against you for having the baby ... maybe. He realises daddy isn't always there and is playing up on this.

With regards to the eating this sounds almost normal to me! My youngest who is 3 eats hardly anything (except sweets & crisps if allowed) at the moment and our 6yr old went through the same thing up to last year now he eats like a horse .. when they are hungry they will eat (so I am told!). Blood is stools happened several times with the eldest and I took him to drs who said it was fine that sometimes they are a bit jagged and cause a tiny tear which heals up in no time - give plenty of fluids.

Am expecting 3rd in August so who knows what joys that will bring!!!

Hope it helps to know there are other children like yours, however I would be a lot more help if I had a solution (sorry this is so long, got carried away).

Thanks for your messages.

I have spoken to the HV and the Doctor today. The HV thinks because he has been like this for such a long time, and things don't seem to be improving, that he might benefit from seeing a child psychologist. She said she would ring around and try to get some suggestions and ring me back on Monday.

The Doctor didn't seem to be particularly worried about the blood in his poo. He thought it was probably from a fissure, but I should keep a check to see if it happens again.

I'll let you know what happens. Thanks again.