siblings fighting! tips on how to handle please!

[warthog]

i have two gorgeous girls:

dd1 - nearly 4

dd2 - 1.5

prob is that dd1 views the world as hers and hates dd2 playing with anything, even her own toys. for example dd2 loves in the night garden so i gave her some little itng figures. dd2 has appropriated them all. won't let her get near them. this happens with EVERYTHING.

consequently dd2 is getting a bit miffed and is starting to hit and pinch. i don't want her to do this obviously, but can understand why!

i feel like i'm in a battleground always telling dd1 off, but sympathizing when i see dd2 encroaching on her territory. she cries with such despair and bitterness it breaks my heart! i don't think i'm handling it at all well - i don't have a strategy and just say whatever comes into my head - that is NOT a good thing.

our household is just filled with crying all day long!

PLEASE! how can i deal with this better?

first, don't let your elder child appropriate the others toys. of course your dd2 is going to get upset if her older sibling is allowed to take her toys.

dd1 is old enough to understand that some things do not belong to her, and that maybe dd2 will share, but ultimately they are NOT hers

I try and spend time with ds1 doing things that we can't do when his little brothers are around, while they have their nap. s
so we might do some painting, or get lego out etc etc

if he wants to do lego and things while the others are awake then we put it all up on the big table, or let him go in his room/the kitchen with the gate closed so small hands can't spoil his games

I think it's important to give them both the time and space they need to play by themselves with whichever toys they want to play with, but equally important to teach them that some things belong to other people and that it's nice to ask before we use them

hmm good point - unfortunately we don't get time alone because they both sleep the same amount! (hard to believe isn't it, but i got the kids that don't sleep...) i am trying to get granny to take dd2 so i can spend time with dd1 alone.

part of the problem is that dd1 plays with trains so requires huge amounts of space so needs downstairs where i can't keep dd2 away. i will have to think of something. our house is open plan so no opportunity for stair gates etc.

i do try and stop dd1 taking the toys, but then dd2 inevitably decides to play with something else and it just feels easier to let it go. so i can definitely work on that one more.

thanks for the help!

I spend a lot of time 'voicing' for dd2, so when she screeches, I'll say 'E is saying that she was playing with that already and can she have it back please'.

I also try to be practical re. doubling up on key things. So we have two pushchairs, and when dd2 got a doll for Christmas she got little twin dolls so that dd1 wasn't too excluded. We don't have a lot of toys by the way.

I also talk mildly to dd2 but dd1 hears me telling dd2 that dd1 was already playing with something.

I ask dd1 to distinguish between times when dd2 thinks she is joining in, and when she is being destructive on purpose. If she is trying to join in we try to distract her with unimportant bricks etc.

This has worked well with ds and dd1 who are excellent friends.

ahh good old trains.

i tend to tell ds1 that if he wants his trains downstairs then we have to let ds2 join in. sometimes we build one HUGE track for them both to play with, sometimes we attempt 2 separate tracks (ensuring each has a bridge etc etc!)

otherwise, he has to make do with a smaller track upstairs

i let ds1 play with ds2's things, but he isn't allowed to take them away if ds2 is playing with them

or, if he wants something and i can see that ds2 is about to abandon it anyway i would say "oh, ds1, well that is ds2's bear, but let's ask him if you can play with it for a while"

then we ask ds2 who says nothing, and i say "oh, he says you can" lol]

so, we don't keep toys completely separate, but I like to make the point that certain things belong to each of them, and they aren't allowed to take anything that the other one is using (unless they've asked and it's been agreed)

yes - good strategy. thank you all. i will try it out tomorrow.

i think my problem is also that i'm busy doing stuff and hear yells and then try and work out what's happened. then it's a lot harder to take toys back etc. perhaps i need to be a lot more on the ball and get them in the act rather than sort it out after the toy has been taken and child is sobbing on the floor in a heap.

Hope it goes well - I try to get them started on something and then run and put a wash on. Come back, join in and tidy up in the same room as I play.

I think you do need to point out to anyone who queries the slightly higher level of chaos two brings that building their relationship is part of the day-to-day work of being at home.

I have slipped a bit into cleaning and hoping they'll get on by themselves and it hasn't gone down well, so I need to buckle down to some serious playing tomorrow. Twitching all the while about the other stuff I need to get done.

Let us know how it goes.

yes, not much cleaning goes on in this house! lol

well so far so good! been a few tears but dd2 is happier and dd1 will accept it eventually!

thanks for all the help!

there is one grey area though, that i'm not sure how to handle: dd1's toys that she's grown out of and are right for dd2. so really they're dd2's toys now, but dd1 still feels a sense of ownership. how would you handle that?

It is difficult but good to know we are not alone in having the same situation! We moved around all the furniture in our sitting room. It doesn't look as good but it means that the sofa divides up the room and DD3 can't get through to where DD1&2 are playing. I also gently tell DD3 that she mustn't pull hair, take toys etc.

I'm hoping that the problem will magically go away! I spend a lot of time trying to keep DD3 climbing up and down the stairs whilst talking to older DD's through the bannisters!

Glad it went better warthog.
I'd just be gentle and firm about the need to share them without fussing about the change of ownership issue.

DD1's interest in babyish toys is likely to be fairly fleeting, so let her look at them, play with them for a bit and show dd2 how to use them.

You can then point out how much cooler dd1's age-appropriate toys are so that she gets to feel a bit superior.

And of course commiserate a bit too about how funny and strange it is to feel that you are growing out of stuff. Ask her to imagine growing big enough to wear your shoes or carry your handbag ...

I think there are pinch-points ahead when the younger one makes a leap forward and the older one has to adjust. My dd2 is almost ready to tell tales on what exactly dd1 has done. DD1 is just getting fed up of ds1 always deciding which game they play.

I suppose you just need to plugging away at building up their sense of empathy. I spent a lot of today asking dd1 to put herself in dd2's position and it does slowly pay off.

I also let dd2 play with totally age-inappropriate toys. At 17 months, she is quite good at manipulating the biggest bits of lego and playmobil (which is fine as long as we keep them in places where she is supervised).

There will of course be days when they kill each other.

i tend to say something along the lines of "ohyes ds1 that was yours when you were a little baby wasn't it?- shall we see if your baby brother would like to play with it now? and we can play with X?"

if he says no, that's fine, but i tend to generally let ds2/ds3 play with them as much as poss so that eventually it becomes "theirs" iyswim>?

we're into the stage now where ds1 and ds2 have soem toys that are for both of them, and tbh if they're fighting over them i tend to just leave them be and let them fight it out between them!

cheers! it IS slowly getting better. having a strategy really helps.

It appears to me that you are letting DS1 get the upper hand. You need to remember that he is a child, not a miniature adult. Children respect & respond to discipline. Try slapping him when he talks back, if this fails to work a slipper is useful.