Neighbour screaming and swearing at kids

[ZenArcade]

Have namechanged for this.

Our neighbour is a single mum to three young kids (dads don't seem to be around much). She seems to muddle through but mornings are always a flashpoint and she screams and swears at the DC a lot.

This morning was extreme but sadly not untypical. Her 5yo DS had pooed on his bedroom floor (happens a lot). Cue screaming rant that went on for about 10-15 mins -- "You fucking dirty boy, I'm fucking sick of it, you fucking pooed on your fucking floor" etc etc (am not exaggerating, literally every other word was fucking). Then screaming at her older DD to fuck off, etc. She smacked the boy too.

Mornings often seem to be like this in her house. The rest of the day seems to go OK and she is nice as pie to speak to. But every time we hear the screaming/swearing/smacking DH and I wonder if we ought to be doing something.

We have a generally good relationship with her and we've said many times that if there's anything we can do etc. But I think she needs professional help -- she has previously mentioned about her older two DC being assessed for SN but I don't know any more than that or whether she is already on SS/HV radar.

Has anyone had a similar situation and what do you advise?

Oh dear. That's a difficult situation for you to be in. Do your DCs attend the same school? Maybe you could have a confidential word with a teacher there? You could of course ring SS directly and express your concern. I don't envy you. It's really hard to go behind a neighbour's back, but it does sound like she isn't coping very well.

sadly if the children are generally well cared for there is little social services can or will do.

Do you hahve homestart in your area? if so you could maybe pop one of their leaflets through her door. you could sing their praises to her and say maybe she could give them a ring. tell her about friends you have that have used their services and how great they are.

other than that, im afraid you just have to slowly drip feed her good parenting tips.

Sounds to me like she is stressed and trying to do her best, if the rest of the day is okay. Mornings are always the most stressfull here, and I only have one child to get ready. DH stays with dd2 as doesn't start work untill later. But you right it's not an ideal situation and certainly not a healthy environment for the dc.

If you have a good relationship with her, could you suggest popping in and watching her dc while she gets their things ready for the next day? You could say it like you have noticed that mornings always seem to be a rush and thought that it might be because she doesn't have the time to organise things the night before. Just knowing that you have noticed what is going on might be enough to stop her.

If not then phone SS or the school for advice. But be aware that the school will pass it on to SS as par of the course.

Homestart do operate around here, that's a good idea.

The kids are fed and clothed and taken to school -- she does try her best but clearly can't cope with mornings (and other stressful moments) and it all comes out in abusive language/smacking.

Our DC are younger so not at school yet, we probably do have the same HV so I don't know if it's worth saying something to them?

Might be worth a word with school/HV

IME a 5 year old who is regularly pooing on the bedroom floor has some sort of problem - this is not normal behaviour!

do you live the other side of my neighbours!?

I have similar, have posted on here before about very similar exp. I got alot of, 'well why don't you offer to helps' and 'maybe the kids are sn'. At the end of the day it's crap to have to live next door too aswell.

tentative asking around from me in my situation, made me realsie that before they lived next door they had troubles, and therefore I expect they are the ss radar.

same here, i get on fine with her, but she just seems to prob have sn herself, and can't cope.

I don't really know what you can do, except be nice, and be aware if you think there is any major problems. The swearing and shouting makes me want to cry half the time, and my little dd hates it.

It seems fairly likely to me (as a total non-expert) that the older DC have some kind of SN. But I don't know whether the mum is getting any kind of help with that (knowing the kind of hoops you have to jump through around here to get a statement of SN, I would be surprised if she is in a good position to access that help, IYSWIM).

Whether the boy is pooing on the floor because of SN or because his mum screams that he is a "dirty fucking boy" every morning, who knows? But it is really heartbreaking to listen to.

I have 3 dc's and mornings here really are the most stressful part of any day. I need to be pretty strict to make sure they are all washed, dressed and fed in time for school/nursery. I admit that if they are messing around they will be shouted at.

Sounds as if you're neighbour is finding the morning routine very difficult and is at the end of her tether. I agree the way she is acting must be upsetting for her children but if generally everything else is okay, I dont think there is very much SS or anyone else can do.

I would ask her about the SN thing and if she isnt getting the help she needs maybe find out for her what she can do to get it. When you're speaking to her, I would casually slip in the fact that you realise things must be difficult for her as you can hear her shouting. You may find she is absolutely mortified and calms it down.

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies.

I hope I haven't come across as too judgemental, I only have two DC (and a helpful DH) and that's hard enough to deal with some mornings!

It sounds upsetting, I don't think that you sound judgemental.

Sounds a bit like me tbh. Though I don't use fuck every other word I do sometimes swear in disbelief at the behaviour.

My DC don't have SN per se but they do have SN in that they have been in a refuge after an abusive relationship and the fact that they don't see their father's regularly or at all in the case of my DS2.

I am not proud of how I flip sometimes but flip I do and there's not much anyone can do about it. Life for us is ultra, ultra hard at times and history has left its' mark on all of us so we muddle along as your neighbour seems to and I just hope the quality times and the deep down love for each other is enough.

My parents yelled far less (though my dad came close) and virtually never swore but I tell you, the expressions of love were close to non existent and I believe (and hope) that in a scenario where children feel loved but understand that some parts of the day are stressful and result in heightened emotional responses from a fraught mummy, the children will be okay. Not perfectly okay but okay.

Do you think your neighbour manages to achieve this - a fundamentally loving and caring environment?

My two boys have wet themselves all the time at different points in their lives - added to the normal stress one is under sometimes it is just too much.

Homestart are fab but they don't necessarily relieve the pressure you are under daily in every situation. I think they are great for short term pressured situations but not when life is just generally a struggle that is ongoing.

fathers not father's

Barnardo's have family support projects in some areas too and can offer a little more than HomeStart in some cases.

It is awful being a lone parent and not coping because of missing fathers. Not only do the children soemtimes react negatively due to the absence of their father, it also means the work is all down to you.

My DSs, in particular are certainly craving a male role in their lives and they are pushing boundaries hugely because of this. It is so hard to be firm but not fraught. The balance between discipline and deranged maternal outpouring is easy to upset.

really thought-provoking posts hobbgoblin -- respect.

Don't know what age your neighbour's children are, but Home Start is just for familes where there is a child under 5, so they may not be the most appropriate agency to suggest to your neighbour.

Hobbgoblin that's a very interesting post. So if I can ask, what would you prefer your neighbour to do in a similar situation?

She also has a baby so will still be under the care of the HV.

I grew up with emotionally abusive parents and I now wish someone had noticed and 'stuck up for me'

I know it is hard (and it must be even more so being a single mum) and we try not to be judgemental, but I feel as a society we need to notice these things more and take action

I have shouted at my DC and even swore under my breath but it is not a regular occurance and certainly not in such a confrontational and abusive context.

I am sure she is struggling and may need help/support but ultimately it is the children I worry about. My adoptive father would shout abusive things at me and I am sure neighbours heard. Oh how I wish someone had challenged him. Years of therapy and ADs are only just starting to undo the dmage done

This thread is interesting to me as I have a very similar situation next door (single parent shouting, literally roaring and swearing, etc). The responses I got were very different.

Hobbgblin those are good posts, I am a single parent too and it is hard to keep going on your own every day isn't it. I try too to make sure the balance is always tipped towards quality time and expressions of love to my DS.

I would offer support OP, maybe you could bring up mornings (if those are the main flashpoint), and say how you had a terrible morning to maybe get her to open up. I sympathise as it is awful to listen throuh your wall to a parent shouting swearing and screaming at their dc(s), hearing them cry, etc. My DS is scared through the wall of my neighbour so god knows how his children feel.

for her and you op.

I can understand how she must be feeling though. I am a lone parent with 2 young children and that in itself is stressful enough so I can only imagine what it must be like having school runs to get ready for.

I must admit to shouting quite a lot alately and sometimes swearing, but not every day. It is especially worse if I have lack of sleep, which, may be the case with her as you said she has a baby?

She sounds like she is struggling to get a routine sorted in the morning and, if she is anything like me, too scared/proud/ashamed to ask for any kind of help in fear of SS being involved. That fear is really overwhelming, of admitting you need help but too frightened to ask.....

On the other side of it, I used to live next to someone who used to shout and swear at her dc quite a lot and it did made me but I could see she loves them and they are well cared for.

My neighbours are constantly swearing at the kids, at 12 am yes the kids are stilln up and running wild in the house, while my wee ones sleep, well just, I cant take this. for 2 years I have listened to every other word starting with F, My kids hear this all the time, I dont want to complainas it will come back to me, . they have dogs that are in the small garden all day long and are never walked or played with. but, my main gripe is the loud mouth screaming and swearing, it up sets me so much, in hate being here. any advice...

I have similar next door to me. every other word is fucking, and the shouting and screaming is horrible.

i don't dislike her at all, i just 'know' she has issues, MH wise. I am sure social services are involved already. The prob is, she can't cope when the kids act up so it's a catch 22 situation. I feel for you, becuase you can feel so helpless, and at the same time it can be a mare to live next to.

bugger just seen this an old thread, that i have already posted on last yr.