How do you deal with teaching DC about 'stranger danger'

[wonderingwondering]

DS is nearly 5 and has come home from school telling me he learned about 'danger'. Some examples included going near squirrels (his own contribution, it transpired) but also going home with strangers. His teacher had been talking to them about it.

He told me his friend said strangers take you away and kill you. I said I thought his friend was being a bit silly, and explained that if he was lost he should speak to a policeman, or go in to a shop and ask the lady at the till (trying to get him to veer towards women) or ask another mummy, with children with her, for help.

He asked why, and I said that some strangers are not nice, and so he shouldn't go off with anyone he didn't know. But I don't want to scare him. And he's years off playing on his own.

How and when do you approach discussing that with your child? And shouldn't the school broach that in conjunction with parents? I'd deliberately not discussed strangers etc with him yet.

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very much the way you did it, concentrating on rules rather than on overmuch information until they were a good deal older

the most I said was that some adults have something wrong with them that means they want to hurt children, it's not at all common, but as you can't tell from looking at them, it is best to play safe and stick to the rules

asking them to see a policeman wouldn't be much help around here: I haven't seen one in 17 years

I have emphasised staying in the same place if they get lost, and asking for help in a shop

very much the way you did it, concentrating on rules rather than on overmuch information until they were a good deal older

the most I said was that some adults have something wrong with them that means they want to hurt children, it's not at all common, but as you can't tell from looking at them, it is best to play safe and stick to the rules

asking them to see a policeman wouldn't be much help around here: I haven't seen one in 17 years

I have emphasised staying in the same place if they get lost, and asking for help in a shop

Thanks. We do have several CSOs that wander around our high street so there's a reasonable chance he'd find one to ask. But I hadn't thought to talk to him about it yet, so I was surprised the school had.

But I agree, rules are a good place to start. I mention the staying in the same place if it comes up again - we have boundaries eg in the school playground (so he doesn't leave it without me) but that's more to guard against getting lost/separated than worrying about strangers approaching him.

He seems quite young to be worrying about that.

I actually have a real issue with this being taught in schools. You don't know what has been said to your child and often they come home with a completely garbled message. My DS came home with literature from the NSPCC which said that if an adult was doing something you didn't like you should tell someone. I had visions of my DS saying 'Teacher X did something I didn't like and I was told I should say if someone did something I didn't like' and a poor teacher being in trouble because they'd asked him to do his homework or something equally trivial.

Secondly, the idea of strangers is a complicated issue. I talk to the woman at the till at the supermarket, the person I sit next to on the bus, the person who helps me get the buggy on the bus. And I don't know any of these people. When the DCs were younger they used to say 'Who was that? Do you know them?' I also don't personally like the idea of treating everyone we don't know as potential threats - what happens if we need help?

I tell my children not to go anywhere without telling me. That I will always collect them from school and if I can't I will get a message to them before anyone else collects them. We talk through what they could do in certain situations. So, for example, we have discussed what they should do if they get lost - stay still if possible, approach someone with similar age children (as likely to understand the speech of a small child and know what to do, sensibly).

I agree. What is a 'stranger'? We chat to lots of people around the place, help old ladies etc. My son said 'well, there aren't any strangers in x [where we live] as that's not a bad place'. So he really hadn't understood the message.

And I think the same about making them wary of new people: he's only just come through the phase of not liking people he didn't know.

I think the school should have warned the parents that they were going to discuss it.

I think 5 is quite a sensible age to start talking about strangers. Its an age when kids are taking their first steps to independence .. going off to school etc

I have told my 5 year old that he musnt go with anyone he doesnt know and if someone tries to pick him up or otherwise take him he has my permission to scream bite kick and punch until they put him down

I think the school do have a responsibility to keep kids safe while they are in their care and therefore stranger danger is a sensible topic for discussion

Yes, I can see that. Was a shock when he started spouting about strangers though (he called them 'spectres', took me a while to cotton on to what he was talking about!).

It obviously bothered him as he mentioned it, it's the most he's every talked about what happened at school.

It is a tricky one - how to keep them safe without scaring them witless and I think your approach was a sensible one.

The sad truth is however that far more children will come to harm from non-strangers ie family members, neighbours, adults they know (and trust). How on earth can anyone be certain they will say anything if enticed with "this is our special secret" " if you say anything I'll kill your baby brother" and similar ??

Stranger danger is one thing and is not actually worse now than it was when we were children; and danger from familiar people is no less than it was.

Yes, I've taught him about 'surprises' rather than 'secrets'.

And I am at least pleased he talked about it to me, the 'stranger' idea was clearly bothering him.

I wondered if all schools introduced the idea in Reception. I suppose it is the time when they are becoming more independent, he just seems so young and innocent. And he obviously didn't understand.

Dcs school seemed to get the balance about right: teaching the basics but without making them paranoid.

The kind of approach you want to avoid is that taken by the headmistress of the infants next to dh's workplace.

She has basically turned the school into a fortress; all high walls, you can't look into the school from any part, and the children consequently can't look out; it's a bunker. Looks like a high security prison more than anything else.

The only thing you see as you approach is a massive Stranger Danger poster; this is the first thing the children see as they come into school every day.

She tried to stop the council from putting up flats nearby on the basis that people on the top floor might be able to see into the playground.

The school shares a car park (used by school staff but separated from playground by secure and gated fence) with a department of City Council; she has freqently tried to get them evicted from it.

There have never in all the years dh has been working nearby been any event, such as a fete, that involves the local community.

I would have gone to almost any lengths to avoid sending my children to this school.

cory, that is so sad. I want my children to be wise enough but not terrified of every other person they pass in the street. Most people are decent enough and no danger to children or anybody else.

Woman is obviously bonkers, and I have noticed that children are being brought across the river to be educated at our primary school instead. But how does somebody like that survive year after year of Ofsteds? How come noone's ever picked up on it? Makes the mind boggle.

I also told DS to never go with a stranger, even if he/she says 'your mummy is in hospital and has sent me to take you to her' or similar. He knows that in such a case it will be a member of the family/ friend who will pick him up.