Parent of 2 small children - how to care for yourself when you feel few people care for you?

[nellanella]

I have 2 children under 2 and for various reasons I don't have a lot of loving support - like lots of other parents. I don't have any contact with my family and havent for nearly 10 yrs (long story). My husband and I have moved around a fair bit and will be moving again with his work this summer. We have been here for about 18 months and I have lots of acquaintances but no proper friends - people you feel you can talk to. I have quite a few what I would call "facebook" friends - people from over the yrs who I keep in email contact with and very occasionally see some of them.

I have found the last 2 yrs of parenting hard and even more so now having 2 (youngest is 8 mo). Apart from 2 close friends who I can talk to (neither of whom have children) I feel that there are few people who care for me. I am trying to do my best to care for my 2 children as best I can and part of doing that well I think is ideally having people who help support you as the main carer of your children. MIL and 2 SIL's never ask me how I am - they have all been there - MIL even said she thought she would have a nervous breakdown when her 3 were small but that was said in passing and it's just "get on with it, no one is interested in how you are feeling". MIL and FIL are now only interested in seeing the children and their son and I feel forgotten. Husband does his best and acknowledges it is hard being at home.

I am sure I whinge too much but it is a way of trying to say - how about me? I have been suffering from mild depression and I am working on that. I guess I would like to hear how mothers who feel isolated manage?

I would firstly suggest that you join Flylady.Net for lots of moral support and practical advice.

Secondly, I know your children are not school age yet but I didn't really make any new friends until I was at the nursery gates every day. I have made some really good friends that way but it did take some effort. I sent notes out to all the mums in the class suggesting nights out locally for pizzas or a curry and lots of people seemed very keen to come along and get to know each other.

Don't forget....it won't always feel this hard. The first year after baby number 2 arrives can be the hardest.

Take care!

I know exactly how your feel about the loneliness.

We live an hours drive away from both families. Not THAT far and we do make regular trips down to see them.. The other way round though is completely different. If they come to us its such an effort! Never mind we are the ones with a toddler and another on the way which means its harder for us.

We moved away when DH and I both finished Uni and have lost touch with most of our old school friends. DH has a group who all meet up every few months but I have none.

Like you I have acquaintances but no real friends. Noone I can really talk to. I usually chat to DH about my woes but its hard when hes at working full time, I dont want to just moan when he comes home.

I worry about feeling even more isolated when number 2 comes in May.

I'm another one who feels very isolated, we have been here 4 years and I do have some friends now but they all have their own friends and more importantly family. I feel like it is always DP and I on our own.

I have my Mother whom I don't speak to anymore, my Dad well he is a bit sporadic (they are separated) and I can go months without seeing him. My brother see him about twice a year. MIL and FIL are both dead now and only have SIL whom I see once a month. I feel we have no family and actually envy people with a big family around about them helping out, even just someone you could pop in and see for a cuppa and a chat for half an hour.

My family live an hour away as well which doesn't help.

I am now having baby no 4 and I think even though it is very hard having no one to help out we have kind of gotten used to it, we know no different and part of the reason we want to have a few children is so they always have each other around IYSWIM?

It is very hard though I have suffered from depression as well, I find it's the little things that get to me most like having to cart them all to appointments or never having half an hour to myself.

My advice is try to get out and about, even if it's just toddler mum friends it's better than nothing. Get to some toddler groups, keep going as it can take months of going to feel at home at one. Soft play and even just down the park just try and get out the house once a day, not easy with young DC I know.

hey pigley you always have your MN friends too MN has been my lifeline

I'm sure there are lots of us out there who completely sympathise with you.

My dh and I moved with our 2 young dcs over a year ago to an area neither of us knew anyone. It has been really hard, for the first 6 months I don't think I said more than 2 words to another adult apart from dh.

It's been easier for him as at least he has got to know people from work, however he doesn't work that close to where we live, so it didn't help me any.

I finally realised I had to take things into my own hands. I joined every playgroup going and forced myself to approach people and start chatting. It wasn't easy, I'm naturally quite shy, but it paid off. Took a while but I now have a good support group of friends in the same situation, stuck at home with young children, many with no family nearby like myself. It's still going to be a while before they turn into those lifelong friendships,but it's a start.

So hang in there, make an effort to join groups and approach people, they'll probably be relieved someone else made the first move!

Thank you - I know there are people out there in the same situation and it is just acknowledging that I think. I know I am being a bit lazy here - I think well we will very likely be moving in the summer so why make much effort where I am? I know I need to go out more for the sake of the children and me. And I also need to recognise that everything won't magically fall into place when we move again without me making the effort.

thank you again

Nellanella, I know just how you feel. I'm an infrequent Mumsnetter and I came on here tonight feeling exactly as you do. Reading your post and some of these others has reminded me of one positive idea I read ages ago, before I had number 2 (now 6 months old - my oldest is 2 1/2). The tip was to write a list of ideas of things you could do to care for yourself/ improve your mood - if you have 1. a minute to yourself; 2. five minutes to yourself; 3. half an hour etc etc. You're supposed to stick it on your fridge or wherever so that IF you find both children magically asleep at the same time, or your partner is suddenly home from work half an hour early you can instantly put on some handcream/ light your scented oil burner/ go for a walk to the corner shop on your own etc. (As you can see, my idea of 'self-care' is pitched pretty low in terms of ambition!) I never did this but I do think it's a good idea - it's so easy to find yourself like a rabbit in the headlights when a moment's 'free' time crops up - and I inevitably run around with laundry instead of indulging in a bit of 'self-care'. I'm going to write mine this evening - kid's sleep allowing!

Keep your chin up, it's a nightmare, but people keep telling me it's not like this forever...

I was in another country miles from anyone I knew, and I know that feeling.

I second the advice to force yourself to join things and chat like crazy. Ask people about themselves and their children, don't wait for them to ask you. Smile and don't come across as a whiny person. I also think it's a good idea to find a babysitter (teenager, student) and go for the odd spa hour or get your hair done or a manicure, or spend a couple of hours shopping on your own without any distractions.

Are you in the Forces nellanella?

It IS hard when you have to move lots. We did when my dh was forces (not saying you are ) - and after about the 4th move in 2 years I felt I just didn't have it in me to make nice... AGAIN!!!

When we moved to where we are now (our last and permanant move), I was still exhausted from it all, and didn't really make that much of an effort Luckily another mum DID, and she is my friend to this day - she just popped over one day, after months of "ooh we really should get together". She has since told me that she felt so nervous, and was worried about whether I would think she was strange for descending on me.

SO, I guess the moral of my long and boring story is that maybe you just need to take a risk.

oh, and things will get better as your 2 get older, I promise!