How to help DS deal with a difficult classmate at preschool?

[Skimty]

DS is 3.4. He goes to a preschool. For a wile he has been telling me about 'n' who is really naughty, nobody likes him etc. etc. He also tell me the whole time how he's not like 'n' because he doesn't push/snatch etc. I tell him I'm pleased that he doesn't but I don't care about what 'n' does.

Anyway, it's been getting on my tits a bit and it sounded a bit like he and his little friends were starting to really exclude the boy so I went to speak to the lady in charge. She told me that 'n' has big behavioural issues and they were working with his adoptive parents as far a possible.

Now, I want DS to be kind to the boy but I can see now it's not just a case of a bit of pushing etc. However, he is 3 so he has little empathy etc. and it's clearly all a it stressful for him as he works through what is socially acceptable and what isn't

So, the problem is: how do I support DS without scapegoating 'n' which isn;t really going to help either of them.

Just to clarify. I have no problem with 'n' at all. I just want DS to be nice to him but I suspect this is too much to ask

Could you get N round for a play date?

I sympathise - it's a difficult situation. I've been in a similar one with my DD's and a couple of girls at their school at different times. The first time, I tried to explain to my DD's that the girl had problems at home and was unhappy and encouraged them to give her a chance and be nice to her. They did try for a bit but they were only 6 at the time and ended up going along with the rest of the class.

The second time, they ended up being physically attacked by the girl in question even though they were supposed to be friends.

Empathy is a very adult emotion and a young child will not get it. I know it's hard to think of a kid who desperately needs a friend not having any, but the flip side is, that if you try to push them together, your son may end up being excluded as well. Just encourage him to be polite to 'n' but let him pick his own friends.

I asked DS about the playdate but he is adamant that he doesn't want 'n' to come round 'because he will just snatch and
smack'.

I think I do have to step back and let oreschool deal with it. I just don't know how to react to the constant chatter about all the bad things 'n' did today.

i was thinking of inviting mum round for a coffee and maybe organising a park based playdate when the weather heats up.

That sounds like a good idea - may be better to have 'n's mum there so she can deal with any problems if they arise.

As for the constant chatter, just ignore it or keep asking what your DS did.