Ashamed of my impatient behaviour

[arabella2]

Hello
My ds is only 18 months old yet tonight at dinner time I got quite impatient with him. I feed him virtually every meal. He watches baby tv while he eats because he will not sit still in a highchair. This evening he was tired and lolling all over the place and I had a very fixed idea in my head of what he should eat. There he was lolling and not eating much (it sometimes takes him a while to warm up). In my head I suddenly got really annoyed about it and behaved impatiently towards him but he did not seem to notice. Kind of pulled my leg away from underneath his leg and also pulled one toy away from him of which he was still holding bits. Then told him to "sit up" quite sternly... and then got annoyed when instead of eating by himself (I handed him the spoon then) he tried to put stuff on the floor (and pulled the spoon from him). At that point I left the room and he must have noticed some of my anger because he ran after me complaining. I then wound down and he had millet flakes with soya milk followed by mango for dinner instead of brown rice beans and sweetcorn as planned. I can't believe I got so annoyed with such a young child... and behaved in not a very nice way really. My knee also accidentally knocked him at one point and when that kind of thing happens I sometimes wonder if it isn't my subconscious that really would like to show my annoyance in some way.
Just wanted to know if anybody else gets angry over ridiculous things. The only thing in my favour is that I feed him ALL his meals and there is a long history of him being difficult to feed (though he isn't now really, it depends on what he is being given).
I guess I am a control freak about food and am going to have to stop being one as I am slowly learning that it is impossible with children.

Everyone gets annoyed sometimes and feels ashamed afterwards. It's just part of life. I think it's dangerous when you don't feel sorry after. However, I do think making mealtimes a battle is pointless. Have you tried giving your ds sandwiches? I also feed my ds all his meals except toast and sandwiches, so sitting in the park giving him a sandwich is such a pleasant change. He likes ham sandwiches, cheese, sometimes tuna with mayo, egg mayo, honey... It's nice if one meal a day is easy as it takes the strain off.

Arabella2, don't beat yourself up about this. I can't believe there are parents out there who have never felt impatient, or showed their impatience with their kids. The fact that you are worrying about this shows that you are a good parent.

If you are having problems at mealtimes, maybe it would help to relax a bit. Perhaps you could try giving him a variety of finger foods so that he could choose what he wants?

Arabella, why do you think you have such a 'control issue' over food? I'm not criticising you for becoming impatient (honest, I do this so often with my kids!) but agree with Aloha that starting these food battles with children is a non-starter. Believe me, I have 3 and they soon learn how to push the buttons and manipulate you.

I enjoy cooking and had visions of organic kids, smiling lovingly as they murmered appreciatively 'this is wonderful, mummy'!! But ..... Try to take a step backwards and not feel so pressurized. Does it really matter if your child eats toast and Marmite in the paddling pool or spills most of his spag bol on the table or floor (we have wooden floors, I might add!) Maybe try feeding him messy stuff in the garden or park or having informal picnics, but most of all, I think I would err in favour of keeping everything very low key. Kids don't starve themselves, honest. Another tip I have learned along the way is that by all means introduce kids to a wide variety of foods but try not to spend too long preparing it otherwize you will feel understandably rejected if your ds spits it out after one mouthful.

Lots of luck xx

Arabella2,
It's only natural you felt impatient, but meal times are a classic hotspot !!!
Mine are 4yo and still mess around at the table, I'm trying to get them to eat a bit quicker and not play with their food so much. They still get me to feed them the last bits, when they get board !!!So you've got a few years of it yet, and it will drive you nuts if you don't try to chill a bit !!!
We're going on holidays on Wednesday, and I've lots of bits and pieces that need eating up before we go. I put it all in dishes on the table, we had a few fairy cakes, I opened a couple of packets of crisps, and I'd made a jelly earlier in the day. I told them it was a "party tea", and they scoffed the lot !!!
It was great fun, I put on a nursery rhyme CD and we had a sing along and a dance as well !!!

Hi arabella- I think we all get impatient at mealtimes. Is there any chance your ds might want to feed himself. My 16 month old ds2 feeds himself all his meals- and began to eat a lot better once I passed the control over to him. (He tends to eat most things- including stuff like casseroles with his hands- although he;s now pretty good with a yoghurt and a spoon). Unfortunately I still have to feed his 4 year old brother- but that's another story

I made a desision along time ago after seeing one of my friends get so wound up over her ds's eating habits she nearly drove herself around the twist. I decided to be totally chilled out about food, not always easy.

My children will generally eat a big bowl of cereal for breakfast and if they don't I make them a snack about 10ish. I consider breakfast and nighttime milk to be adequate (in that they are not going to starve). After that I put out the lunch and tea and they either eat it or don't. They usually have a snack between meals(fruit, biscuits, crisps, icelolly that sort of thing) I don't give them an alternative. This has seemed to have worked because dd 3.5 now eats most things, in fact tonight had two bowls of my ricey concoction after declaring vehemently that she doesn't like peppers.

Children are littel control freaks themselves and if they see you getting wound up about things like food or potty training or sleep will learn to play on it

I was inspired by a friend of mine who says she refuses to make more than one cooked meal a day, and usually gives her two dds toast and marmite and yoghurt and fruit in the garden for their tea. She sits back with a cup of tea or glass of wine while they chomp. This way you also don't get so preoccupied with what they have/haven't eaten. I think at this age they often start eating less anyway, as they grow much more slowly. That's definitely the case with ds - unless cake or 'bikbiks' - biscuits - are on the agenda!

IME food battles are particularly horrible because they trigger this really primal feeling of 'I can't feed my baby'. My dd eats like a horse at her childminder, like a picky bird at home. I try very hard not to let it wind me up, but it does, and I'm not happy about dp's tactic about letting her eat in front of the TV but realise this is in some ways the best approach. I try not to get wound up about it - even after a starvation weekend she clearly isn't starving - but it is soooooo maddening.

I'll try the various suggestions here too!

As everyone else has said mealtimes are easy to turn into a battle field. My dd had to be reffered to a dietician when she was 2 because mealtimes were a nightmare, the first thing the dietician said was dd was making mealtimes a control issue-she was in charge of what she was going to eat- I was told not to get annoyed just sit back and let her get on with it and praise her when she was good. It does work.

My ds is the same age as yours and has been playing up at mealtimes but I am just ignoring it, hes still a little fatty. His nursery said they are all the same in his group as said before let him feed himself even if he gets in a mess, especially at teatime because you can just chuck him in the bath afterwards. In six months time hell be eating like a horse again.

Also, my dd and ds have a little table and little chairs which they have lunch at. When they have friends around they all sit at the table and I get the tea cups from the play set and a little jug of juice and they have a great time, sit still for ages and generally eat everything. Evening meals are at big table as family.

Thank you for all your replies and suggestions - I will be trying some of them.
I think I have a control issue over food because of the once or twicew that ds was ill when he was much smaller and lost weight. We then thought to beef him up (he has never been force fed!) so that if he is ill again losing some weight doesn't really matter.
It's also to do with my MIL in a way. I have been so anxious to avoid other people getting in the way of ds's feeding that I have tried to cover everything by myself.
Anyway I am trying to let go a bit - it's got to happen anyway as they get bigger and bigger.
Thanks again.

arabella2 - it's a painful feeling when you don't behave towards your baby int the way that you feel you ought to. Don't feel bad or guilty about it, you're only human and you're the best mum you can be for your son. It's a difficult lesson to learn, that your dear darling can be such a controller (believe me, I've been there!), I think it's because we as adults see controlling someone else as domineering - ie a bad thing - and we can't conceive of our babies wanting to do a bad thing to us. But they don't want to do anything bad. They#re just trying to find the limits of theire world. And YOU are your ds's world - you're the most important person in the world to him, so he needs to know where your limits lie.

Try to relax about food. The 'I can't feed my baby' feeling hurts, I know, but it's not the case. It's taken 3 months so far for my ds (2.5y) to start eating properly, and in all that time he wasn't ill - even though I could count his ribs (still can for that matter, but not so clearly!). Try not to fuss about food. If he eats, he eats - if he doesn't, he doesn't. Give him treats from time to time (for us it was chips) but not as bribes, more in order to have a meal where he will eat and you can be relaxed. Don't bother making him fancy food because then you feel more hurt when he wastes the food you went to all the trouble of cooking. Also, try not to expect too much from him (or from yourself). Ther may well be tantrums at first, when he realises that you won't give in to him, but they will pass. Put your emotions on hold during mealtimes, if you can; no rewards for eating, nor negative responses for not eating.

oops, I hit post when I meant to hit preview.

What a long bleat (lucky I did post by accident, cos I would've gone on longer!) but I've been there and I know how horrible it is.

One extra thing I must say: if you're worried about weight loss (as I was) get your GP or HV to supervise and keep an eye on the two of you.

Good luck!