Parents who don't have any family nearby to help out - how do you cope when the main carer gets sick?

[PussinJimmyChoos]

Am just getting over a nasty bout of sinusitis. I've been totally wiped out and in the house since last Thurs!

DS's nursery was closed due to the snow and I couldn't look after him so DH stayed home to do so- its only been two days but still.

I feel really bad about this...DH is the main breadwinner and its not good for him to have to take time off like this. I know it can't be helpd as we don't have any family around and its hardly fair to schlep my child to a friend's house when I've got bugs that I could pass on!

What do others do?

Only been laid up once in 9yrs of having children - had flu and didn't get out of bed for nealry a fortnight- after struggling on for a few days , DH realised he had to take time off work , other than that we I muddled through - easier now that children are older and at school 9 & 7 yrs.

when i had tonsillitis, dd was at school as usual and dh took ds with him to work for the day, but there are many other occasions i've just had to manage on my own. this is way tmi, but there was a time i had a stomach bug, was pg with ds, had d&v, was sat on the loo, throwing up in a bowl and had dd on my knee al at the same time. she held my hair back for me.

This has not happened to us yet as I do not seem to be poorly enough for him to have to stay home. I usually soldier on when unwell but if I was bed ridden I am sure DH would take some time off to help out.

I just have to get on with it. I think DH might take a day off if I were to break my leg, not entirely sure though. Disney DVDs are a God send in this situation.

I am a SAHM and my hubby works full time.

When I get ill, with flu, or sinusitis (just got rid of for second time in 4 months ) I just cope while he is at work. No housework will get done but the kids will get looked after - walked to school, fed, watered, washed, dinner cooked at 5pm. But that's it - bare minimum.
When he comes home he let's me sleep.

The only time I have had him home was when was 8 months pregnant and had Norovirus - I kept passing out in a cold sweat and talking deleriously.

If I was single or when he has been away on a course etc, I would carry on till bed time and go to bed when kids go at 7.30pm.

I use to tease DH that the only time he would take time off work if I was ill ,was if I had a sick note from the GP and only if I was on my death bed !

Plus I am the one that has to take time off work if children are ill (or off school due to snow )

Please lets not get drawn into the agrument if you were a single mother / DH in the forces then you would have to cope etc etc.

the Op has a DH so rightly so was wondering wehther he should help out

ok

Well this has just got to be the worst thing about lone parenting. My DC are pretty much constantly getting virus and me too, more and more. I've never had any family to help or an ex so I just literally have to crawl around the house, to look after DCs basic needs and get through the time.

Worst of all is when all three of us have flu with D & V - like happened earlier last year and many times before that too. Then, I not only know I can't rest during the day but I'm also going to have several sleepless nights too, mopping up children's vomit from all over their beds, putting on laundry... and the second I finally drop off to sleep, delirius and with high temp myself, the other DS wakes up vomiting - and so it goes on.

This is really the closest to torture I have had in my life, to the extent, I become almost phobic about one or other DS getting yet another virus and constantly monitor them neurotically for symptoms!

Now my twins are 8, they can at least do some of the basic self-care themselves, if NOT ill and leave me to 'die quietly' for up to half an hr before fights breaking out yet again . It was impossible though when they were v small....several times I'd be unfit to look after them - delirius, vomiting, too weak to walk and yet be at it, 24/7 with no sleep, feeding them every 2 to 3 hrs with no breaks...Never seems anyone available to help out.

Makes me sweat just to remember...but appreciate also how much easier it is now they're 8. They also know now that they'd have to phone 999 if I collapsed and they couldn't wake me - whereas in the past, this was my worst fear.

Like others have said, your DCs will survive on the basics for the few days you can get by and at least you have a DH to help at night. I also run my own f/t business and can't really take any time off either, without dire consequences to the family finances - so have also had times when I'm really sick but get the children to school, work all day with no break and then do all childcare all evening too, hoping I get some sleep at night.

This sounds so depressing, I'd better stop now and celebrate the fact that we're all healthy and well right now. Hope you recover too soon.

One of my close friends is a single mum and I know how hard she finds it when she is sick so I do totally appreciate that I'm lucky to have a DH to help out so please don't misunderstand me here

Sorry PussinJimmyChoos. Didn't mean to do the big 'my life is harder than yours' thing - just got into moaning aloud-mode. No matter what your circumstances, when you'r sick and still need to parent, it's pretty dire and every one of us on MN and beyond suffers. How are you doing today now?

Thanks for asking Solo..not too great today (although am bravely managing to mnet ) DH phoned Dr and they think its a cold/flu bug that's affecting my balance - was all dizzy and swimmy this am with pressure in my ears (I'm deaf as well so not totally 100% in the ear dept to start with!!) so I've got antibiotics and anti sickness/anti dizziness tablets. The Dr herself said she had similar the other week and was very understanding.

Am so relieved to be having meds on the way -I've been wiped out for a week now and I miss being efficient and my laminate is fluffy beyond words

I just have to get on with it. Changing nappies whilst suffering from gastro-enteristis is not nice. Mum is 1- 250 miles away 2 - always busy. MIL similar in both respects.

Puss - I don't think lone parents necessarily have it worse, it's just different. It's kind of liberating to know it's all up to you and you aren't wondering if you could/should/ would justify asking a very stressed DP/H to help.
I am a (apparently one of those evil and bad-for-their-children) LP and I work full time and for the past 2 years my ex has rarely had our DD. He has just moved to every other weekend but (says in writing) if I was ill, even hospitalised, he would not have our DD and I should ring SS. But there are advantages - I know that it is so - and uncertainty is, IME, worse to deal with.

I am home with D+V today. In bed currently between toilet visits. DD with ex tonight (good timing, not seen him for a while) but she'll be home (at an unspecified hour) on sat or sun.

If she was here I would collect her, lie here whilst she played, feed her and put her to bed in our cold, cold house, and then crawl to bed myself and hope tomorrow is better.

I have vomited on pavements with hospital(work) or nursery acquired bugs. And carried her to nursery and staggered home. It is so hard. Not just for me, many mothers share this reality.

I wonder if even the best of dads feel this (yes, even good dads, or those in good relationships - as they are often praised for taking days off with sick dc). I am sure there are further complex issues though, they have other pressures, around providing for everyone, the structure of the home and everything being working, etc.

Out of curiosity - what does your dh work say when he phones to say he is not coming in, and what does dh say the reason is?

I hope the meds help you. So YOU feel better (the dc/dh benefits are secondary!)

He is honest with them - they know our situation - no family here etc. DH's family 5000 miles away, mine 2 hrs away. They aren't exactly jumping for joy, but they are understanding and allow it as flexi as DH will often stay late or take short lunch breaks to make time up. We are very lucky in that respect

My DH can sometimes take time off if I'm too ill to leave my bed to take the kids to school, or I've sometimes got my mum who can come here to mind kids. But sometimes DH is working away and mum busy with neice and nephew and I have to do it myself. It is miserable feeling that ill and having to prepare meals etc. Vomiting every few mins or legs going from underneath you, nearly fainting etc.

What bugs me, though, is if DH is not working away, the minute I am well enough to get out of bed (but still ill and feeling lousy), he sits on his arse and seems to think I am 100% back to normal and leaves me to do all the stuff I normally do. There is no recovery period in his eyes - you are either delirious and vomiting in bed, or up and about and 100% able to do housework/childcare/school run. Meh......

And I don't think husbands and partners appreciate how lucky they are that when they themselvesare ill, they can just take to their beds and recover slowly with no worries about the kids.

Meh again.

I wouldn't feel bad about your DH/DPs having to take a day off work. I bet they work with women who have to take days off when children are ill, schools are shut etc.

Why should men's working life be inviolable?

Sorry, I am a bit bitter about this, as I am constantly having to take days off when DD is sick, and most of them men I work with have SAH wives, and never have to take a day off unless they themselves are ill.

Put it this way, if their children were being looked after by a CM or a nanny, they would have to take a day off work was the main carer was ill. Why should it be different if you have a SAH partner looking after your children?

I grew up without family living nearby, (three hours drive) I think thought the big difference was that most mums didn't work and people knew there neighbours up and down the street.

if my mum was ill a neighbour would pop in and take me off somewhere for the day/afternoon. My mum would do the same for a nieghbour if they were ill.

Now though you may know a few people but not that many to share the load, so you would feel a burden.

I am on my own, when I have been ill (my dad spends 6 months abroad and he is the only family I have)I have to get my dd1 to do stuff and look after dd2. Not easy but they will both walk to the supermarket use my pin and get the shopping etc.

Work have to allow me time of to look after either of dd's but they don't relish it and I have to do flex time to make it back up