Have I let us down?......

[glittertum]

My dd is 4.1 and will be starting school this year. Maybe it's because it's the new year but i have been reflecting a lot about how I've done the pre school years which are now coming to a close and I feel so sad......

She has always been a demanding child - was difficult to settle as a baby, beastfeeding was a nightmare, hard to keep entertained. Developed quickly - talking really well in sentences before she was 2 and her development since then has been phenominal - a friend of mil's who is a Reception class teacher was amazed, after spending an hour with her, to learn she wasn't at that time quite 4. So she is very full on for her age. I suspect this is why she has always been demanding and draining to look after - she is in my face 24/7. She is my only child.

I feel let down by the whole experience of motherhood. I feel I have let her down too. I remember being so excited when I was pg and dreamt of how motherhood would be - it hasn't quite been how I imagined. Virtually every day has been difficult and I have some days hated it. . She tries my patience to the limits and I have been a shouty mum since she was about 12 months old . She is in her room crying now as I've sent her there for bad behaviour which over the last few days has made me so p'd off. She keeps hitting out at me and she claws at the air in my direction like a wildcat to express her anger. I feel so let down - i feel it's my fault for not enjoying it more and accepting that it wasn't going to be the walk in the park I thought it would be. I dearly wish I could turn the clock back 4 years and do it all again so differently, but I can't. My dh says I'm too hard on myself and that I've been a fab mum and that all mums have shouty moments and bad days - but I feel it's been always like that. Maybe my perception has been skewed as I am the type of person that does dwell on the negatives. How can I move on from these feelings and enjoy the time I have left with her before she starts school. Does anyone else feel the same way?

I think we all feel that we are not good enough as mothers at some point, you are not alone.

Your daughter is really bright - a good upbringing promotes IQ, so surely you must be doing a lot of things right.

I assume that you have stayed at home with her since she was born? It is very hard! Personally I could never do that, I started full time work again when my dd was 11 months. I would not be able to enjoy her if I had nothing else, does that make sense?

I am fighting myself with losing my temper with both my kids. Whenever I feel like shouting, I take a deep breath and think "Who am I? Am I the shouting mum?" Stepping back and observing the situation makes me choose my reaction rather than be controlled by my emotions. To be able to do this, I check my stress level all day - I take deep breaths if I feel the slightest stress to avoid being controlled by irrational reactions.

Maybe you can do the same? Your daughters reactions are not personal, so to speak, they are part of her development, when she claws in the air it is not you she is getting at, it is her emotions.

My dd is 5 and she has been testing me since she was 2!

I am sure you are a great mum - you wouldn't be doubting yourself otherwise ;) Doubt equals thinking!

I'm sure your DH is absolutely right . It is an odd feeling when your child starts school - it does seem like the end of an era. But the truth is that what happens next is, IME, much better. Lots of us have never really enjoyed the pre-school phase - I've always found a 7 yar old far more interesting than a 3 year old. And as they get older they get more interesting still.

Your experience of motherhood has really only just started - if the first stage didn't suit you, it doesn't mean that the next one won't suit.

And sometimes I think very bright children struggle because their emotional maturity doesn't match their intellect - as your DD gets older, that will sort itself out a bit and she may well be easier to be with. These really are such early days.

i don't think you can write yourself off as having failed your child when she's only four years old!!! you sound like a thoughtful and sensitive person to me and i'm sure you've done at least as well as most mums do, and probably better than a lot of us. i don't know anyone who thinks motherhood is great all the time. the truth is it can be crap, infuriating, frustrating, disappointing - etc etc etc. a lot of people don't really like admitting any of the downsides. but all that is usually more made up for in the delightful, joyful stuff - the hugs, cuddles, the sweet and funny things they say, the pride you have in their development, etc etc etc.
i second what others have said about how tough it is being a stay at home mum. i am a working mum and though i like the idea of being at home i suspect i would not be brilliant at it. i massively admire women who do it happily and well, or even not that happily, but still well.
i repeat, your DD is only four. if you feel you have let her down in any way - and i'm sure you haven't - there are many many wonderful, impressionable years ahead to make up for it

Some very good advice here.

Just wanted to add that if I had a penny for every thread I read on Mnsnet about difficult behaviour in 4 yr olds then I would be v. rich indeed by now!! People talk about the terrible twos and the challenging threes but for some of us, it was definitely the 'fours' that were most difficult. It's a time when many children try and test limits.

It's doubly difficult if your child is bright and precocious so I agree with the others and your dh, that you are being v. hard on yourself.

I recognise quite a lot of what you are saying as I have quite a demanding dd and she is an only child too (and I tend to dwell on negatives!!).

The fact that she is an only child makes for quite an "intense" relationship between the two of you, which can be draining in itself. I thought I would love being a sahm too, but once dd reached 3.5 yrs I was climbing the walls and our relationship is much better now I work p/t because I am happier in myself....

You may find that her behaviour improves quite a bit once she starts school. She may be a bit more demanding initially because of the change of routine and because she will be tired etc, but you may find that the structure, and different activities and friends that she will encounter at school will give her the outlet she needs, particularly if she is very bright.

Oh and have just remembered (although this may not be at all relevant in your circumstance - just mentioning it in case useful) that the times when dd became most 'ready to combust' were, looking back, when she was on the brink of a 'developmental leap forward' and/or I was unknowingly/unintentionally holding her back in some way by still doing things the way I had done them 6 mths before, without realising that she had moved on (if that makes sense).

If she your dd is very angry (the clawing behaviour etc) perhaps this is her way of expressing that she needs more control in her life? Anger is usually a cover for frustration. Before she starts school, could you possibly give her more control over "the little things" such as a choice of appropriate clothing or a choice of food perhaps? That definitely helped calm my dd down a little.

If you are doing this already, maybe she just needs a different way to express her frustration, through drawing or role-play etc. I tried all those things with dd (we even had 'traffic light cards' at one point so she could tell me if she was just irritated, or angry, or VERY angry!!) and she's a lot calmer now (although that might just be because she is older (6 yrs). Tbh, she still has her moments and I am still quite 'shouty' but it is getting better!

Finally, yare not alone. I think EVERYONE finds parenting very, very hard; because it is!!!

And although it is a definite milestone ... she'll need you even more once she has started school I promise, so don't for a minute feel "all is lost"!!

Good luck with it!

I felt like this when my dd2 started school, I felt I had spent all her toddler and preschool years just shouting at her and being horrible, and I was so sad about it. She's 6.5 now and is just the sweetest girl, and we are so close and can spend such wonderful moments together, and it really doesn't matter so much now. I still wish I had done some things differently, but I agree with Hassled - you still have so many years of parenting ahead of you and there is all still to play for.

Thank you all so much for your posts - they have made me feel a lot more positive about my parenting and have convinced me that I maybe havn't made the balls up I think I have. I guess just knowing that I'm not the only one to feel like this helps and I am also inspired by those of you who say that the future holds much more for our relationship and happier times are ahead - thanks for pointing that out Hassled, had never thought of breaking it down into stages. You tend to lose focus on the fact that things will improve and think that these difficult times will never pass, so I must hold on to that thought.

You have also picked up on the point that intelligent dd = difficult dd Hassled, again, you've hit the nail on the head with this "I think very bright children struggle because their emotional maturity doesn't match their intellect - as your DD gets older, that will sort itself out a bit and she may well be easier to be with." DH & I are both quite placid people - my dreamy expectation of motherhood while pg convinced me that my child would also be placid and easy - not so. I guess I have partly been longing for the child I didn't get (not for one minute meaning I would swap my dd as obviously I love her dearly and my maternal feelings for her are solid)...but having said that, I wouldn't want a shrinking violet and admire her feistyness as she can hold her own in most situations and i am grateful for that.....just some days, i wish she was placid just to have a break from the constant demands.

All in all - I can see I need to ease up on myself - have always beat myself up over everything I've done and am very self critical. This is also part and parcel of how I feel - I always thought this would be the one thing I was good at - hate that feeling of 'failure' again....butr you have helped me see I'm not a failure and I have done a good job and it's made me think of the good as well as the not so good - just need to switch my focus to the good and look forward and enjoy the future.
Thanks so much once again for helping me see the positives.x.

Glitter - really interesting that you have posted this as your daughter sounds just like my DS1 who is nearly 3 and a half. He started playgroup in September going 5 mornings a week (have been a SAHM since he was born) and the relief has been intense - so much so that I have just signed him up for 3 afternoons too. I efel bad about this but sometimes I find him so difficult to be with as he is so demanding and I need to always be two steps ahead of him to stop him getting bored. But as I also have a DS who is 17 months I can't always do it and I end up shouting a lot. (Also no way would I turn the clock back and do it again! I know what you mean, but I just don't think that I could have done things much differently, much as I would have liked to.)

That's not to say that I don't love DS1, he's amazing, intelligent, empathetic and thoughtful, and I can appeciate that, but I sometimes need to not be on top of him all day! You've made me feel a bit better about this, and like Hassled says, I think in a few years time it will be easier when they have a bit more maturity. I sometimes feel am crap with young children and I'll come into my own later. Hopefully.