Does anyone just 'parent' anymore?

[ShinyAndNew]

I've read tonnes of threads lately about helicopter parents, benignly neglectful parents, up parents, Gina Ford babies.....

Doesn't anyone just do as the behavior requires at the time?

I don't follow any 'method'. I don't really see how practical it would be. How can you make a 'method' 'fit' with your children and lifestyle?

I just parent. Sometimes sucessfully, sometimes less so. But on the whole everyone is happy, fed, bathed and clothed (even on a weekend sometimes )

SO am I missing something here? Do we now need guides to help us parent sucessfully?

I go by the fact that there isn't a 'perfect' parent and as DCs are so different what is an excellent parent for one would be hell for another! I read things and adapt to suit us. Maybe I am too cynical, but I would want to see the DCs of the 'experts' before I followed any of them.

Piscesmoon you cant. Because they don't have any. Thats why they write blah blah blah books

I loved the 'multiple parenting disorder'

I know one who is a very prolific writer on childbirth and bringing up DCs and HE. I expect that she is a great mum to her 2 DDs, but I would have found her a very scary mother! I also wonder how she would have got on with DSs. It is what I mean about there not being a 'perfect parent'-what suits one DC doesn't suit another-even within the same family!
I wouldn't take the word of anyone who didn't have their own DCs-I had great theories before I had my own!!

I like tethersend's method

tethersend - you need to make that Accidental Parenting (TM) before someone nicks it!

I also think if you look back a few years down the line - my kids are all now at school - parenting "method" in infancy means very little.

Except for the extreme GF/Self sufficient lifestyle/build your own yurt/HE to a pathological degree (no contact with other children except at church) etc people. Who have the oddest children I have ever met.

SO maybe it all comes out in the wash. Unless you are doing that wash in cold water with home made soap (I kid you not).

I haven't ever read any routine based books because as adults dp and I have never lived our lives in any kind of proper routine so I think attempting to sick to a rigid routine with a baby would probably cause more problems for us than it would solve.

I fed on demand, let him nap when he started yawning, never woke him to feed as I did dream feeds, weaned when he seemed to be interested, fed him a combination of finger food, home made purees and jars as convenient, put him to bed later than most babies as felt right to us all, and the result? He's a happy normal outgoing toddler who went to bed at 10pm last night and woke up at 10am.

I'll play it by ear with my next baby, she might be a different kettle of fish, be up at 5.30am every morning and crave a stricter routine, who knows!

we muddle through, mainly
sometimes successfully sometimes not
i do sometimes think our lack of consistency causes problems but I think a certain flexibility in your approach is required as all children are different after all
There are times when I wonder whether I'm doing anything right-so I guess sometimes people need the reassurance of following a sort of parenting template.

as an aside, all that GF routine stuff is not actually about parenting as such is it? more about a hellish focus on 'sleeping through' which certainly isn't the be-all and end-all of parenting

I've read all of the books and take some bits from them but mostly just muddle through as the situation demands.

Have just caught up and in no particular order I love:

Accidental parenting (TM)
"keep them alive while you figure out what too do"
"wash in cold water in home made soap"

I also think that my kids have trained me far better than I have ever "trained" them - different personalities demand different parenting styles.

BTW, the parenting (and of course coneption/pregnancy/childbirth/infant feeding) specialist in my family is my aunt: my never-been-pregnant, never-married spinster aunt ! I am quite good at the smile-sweetly-and-nod-then-do-as-I-feel-fit response to unsolicited advice...

I agree. I just parent, most of the time I do a good job but there are times when I get it wrong and think that I should have handled things differently.

No offense intended to people who follow AP but I do cringe when people on here say that they are following AP but don't know how to handle a particular scenario. Whatever happened to following your instincts, who cares whether it fits in with a particular philosophy? Your child doesn't care!

I have one book called Kid Wrangling by Kaz Cooke which I really like, but it is more along the lines of "Yes, sometimes the poo is green!".

Frame of reference is handy. If someone is asking for advice it is better for them to mention that they are maybe a bit APish so that people don't jump in with strict routines etc (and vice versa).

I refer to my personal method of parenting as "Half Arsed".

Yep, Morloth, the books I liked most (mainly Dr Sears et al) were along the lines of "you could try this or that" "trust your instincts" " chances are you are doing a good job".

"Methods" do not works because none of the darling children have read any of the books

'I do cringe when people on here say that they are following AP but don't know how to handle a particular scenario. Whatever happened to following your instincts, who cares whether it fits in with a particular philosophy?'

I agree! It makes people distrust their own instinct, which is probably better than the 'expert' anyway. You are the one that knows your DC.

Another 'make it up as you go along' devotee here. Tried reading a couple of books when youngest was a baby and gave up after first few pages.

I probably break most MN parenting rules. i have no idea wtf 'attachment parenting' is or any other method quite honestly. Just trust your instincts and bollocks to everything else, I say. Dc's are doin' just fine

I don't know, I think that yes, you need to follow your instincts, but I think it's good to ask for advice/other perspectives on a situation you really don't know how to handle. We would have asked our mothers, sisters, friends for their input before the internet, yes? Saying "I would like to know how other AP parents deal with this" is just shorthand for "I don't want suggestions of time out/naughty step/reward charts" - and it does tend to be this way around, because AP/UP/wash your own lentils in home made soap (TM) tends to be the minority and not always found in your circle of friends/family. It's easy to find advice on using the naughty step or a reward chart, there are loads of websites, books and TV programmes which give countless examples, and you can speak to older relatives and substitute X minutes on the naughty step for their advice to smack or whatever.

This is so refreshing. I'm really struggling with DS2 who is 6 weeks old(have forgotten what we did with DD1), and have started to read books in desperation. It kinda ruins it for everyone. I think it's like a cult. It gets you when you're insecure and need guidance. If it works for you on that given day you think you've 'found the answer'.

I'm off to get some wine whilst DH is dealing with screaming baby.

Hmph.

When you have a child and you start to care for him or her with, hopefully, your child's other parent, you nearly always get a situation where your behaviours towards parenting are not aligned. Since your DC is so precious, you both have very strong feelings about how you behave towards your new baby. In the best case scenario, you discuss your differing behaviours and work out a way to bring up your DC that suits you both. And in doing so you bring a lot of your unconscious values and behaviours to light, and make conscious decisions about your own values and behaviours going forward. This is a good thing. Reading a few books is a good idea, too, to get some informed opinions to use as a base to work from.

I am a parent (noun)

I do not parent, as such (verb)

I just get on with it

The only adjective I might use, is "strict"

That is all

It is all poncy crap, otherwise

I think the problem with a lot of the parenting methods is that people try to follow every aspect, even when it isn't relevant or suitable to the particular situation.

The only book I have ever read was the Baby Whisperer, and as it happened I did use the EASY routine with my DD (mainly because I was at a loss to know what the hell else to do! - and it worked). I didn't follow any other part of the book, and have never since used any 'manual'.

Although once, in a very low moment with a very high maintenance 2.5yo DD, I did order 'how to talk so children will listen' from Amazon. I read a page or two and thought 'this is not for me!'. And went back to shouting a lot !

Friend of mine did GF. Worked a treat for her, her DD goes to bed without any trouble and is a lovely child.

I did not do any "style".

My kids also go to bed without any problems.

And they're lovely most of the time

where do people get the idea that baby manuals are a new thing? My generation was reared on Dr Spock. And he wrote in reaction to older manuals. Which were written in reaction to still older manuals. One of Erasmus's dialogues is about breastfeeding v. wetnursing. And that is just copied from some Classical writer. They've always been with us. And tbh I don't see that being torn between two childrearing gurus is worse than being torn between Mum and MIL. Or does anyone that imagine that that was always a more benign experience?

cory - you are completely right. But some people love to think that there was some rosy time in the past when everything was easier and that humans managed just fine without having to challenge themselves to think about their actions!

I have a pile of parenting books that I dip into although I must admit I avoid the strict routine driven ones because they aren't me - strikes me that having a routine sounds like very hard work and not at all helpful but if it works for others then great.

I don't rely on any one method though. I tend to cherry pick the advice I like the sound of and ignore the rest. Usually it is back up if I am clean out of ideas and stuck in a bit of a rut.

Plus as a student of psychology, the whole behavioural/child developement thing is very interesting to me and I like reading these books, arguing with the ones I don't agree with and cheering the ones I do. Obviously i am odd.

But I am well aware there is no 'right' answer.