How do you deal with it when a close friend has totally different ideas of what is acceptable?

[QOFEisinatizz]

Have been musing on this for a few days, and have been discussing something related on another thread.

One of my closest friends has just been to visit with her 6yo DS. We met when we were both pg, and even though I have moved away since still keep in touch and visit each other regularly.

Now I love seeing her, and I am genuinely fond of her DS, but our levels of tolerance are really starting to diverge.

Her DS is just constantly doing things that DD is Not Allowed to do, and is what I consider to be really rude to her and to other adults. He doesn't stop doing things when you tell him to, and will argue the toss with you about why he should carry on doing it. He fiddles with everything from light switches to the contents of the vegetable rack, goes in my room a dozen times a day despite knowing full well children are not allowed in there, on a previous visit he ripped up one of DD's posters because he 'didn't like it', throws things down the stairs, is rude about any food he is cooked ('oh this is yucky, haven't you gt anything like spaghetti?') and has to be cajoled by his mum to eat it, helps himself to food that he then pokes at and leaves, messes around at bedtime, tells adults off for being naughty if they attempt to stop him doing anything, that sort of thing. All fairly low level but so wearing.

Now I know children can be naughty, especially when away from home (though he is the same when we visit him at his house), but my friend really thinks he is not being naughty. She laughs at most of it, says vaugely 'oh don't be cheeky', rolls her eyes and says 'oh, kids!' a lot. When I try to enforce my house rules, she clearly thinks I am being rather mean. DD meanwhile gets quite upset as she knows he is being naughty, and she tries to stop him. His school have been concerned enough by his behaviour to put him on some sort of special action plan (? on the terminology) but his mother thinks this is ridiculous and that he is being singled out for behaving like any boy does.

I am starting to feel like I cannot bear to have them to stay again. Am I just an intolerant old bag, is this an issue I need to take up with her somehow, or do I just not have them here again?

Hi QOFE - this problem would/does drive me nuts!

Reading your post I would say he is being very cheeky and knows it probably. He will continue to do it (and worse) while his mother continues to allow it.
If she did tell him off about it and he continued I would say he was maybe somehow on the autistic spectrum/adhd/oppositional defiant disorder

But given that she doesnt disiplince him at all I suspect the former suggestion

The special action plan is something schools do - although nothing will really help imho until his mother steps up iyswim

I would talk to her about it and say tactfully. I love having you as a friend but......

HTH

If you have him round again (and I wouldn't), get locks on your bedroom doors.

Oooh yes get locks!

And say "My house my rules"
Eat your food as provided at meal times or nowt else until tea etc

Be mean - if his mother doesnt like it, well that solves the problem as they wont come again

It would drive me barking mad and it sounds as if he either possibly has a SN or is so indulged he behaves badly, difficult to tell. Is there any chance of just meeting as friends, without the children?

A friend's child is very similar and been referred by the school. They live nearby but am not keen to encourage the friendship between our two dcs as he is so physically rough, doesn't follow instruction and ds, who is no flower, finds him upsetting. When I took him to school as a last-minute favour to his mother, he refused to put his shoes on, back-chatted (and he doesn't know me very well), ran off down the road and then once waiting to go in, deliberately kept trying to knock his head against ds'. Fortunately his teacher recognises they need to be kept apart in school. Dh said I shouldn't agree to take him to school again (as happens a couple of times a term) as I can't guarantee his safety, but how to say that to his mother?!

You have my every sympathy.

Thanks everyone.

As you say Heated, he may have some form of SN but its imposible to tell, and his mum is very resistant to any suggestion that he is anything other than a normally behaved child.

Its going to be very hard to say anything to her. She recently fell out with one of her good friends over his behaviour - the friend said she thought he had behavioural problems and that she couldn't have him round any more. His mum was really upset and felt that her other friend had unrealistic expectations of children (unlikely as the other friend is a teacher...). Anyway I will try to broach it next time I see her - any tips for how to do it sensitively? I really don't want to have to stop seeing her as she is lovely and so sensible in every other aspect but this.

She really truly thinks he is a delightful child and in many ways he is - but he simply does not accept boundaries or authority at all.

He doesn't sound like he has particular SN or behavioural difficulties - more like a perfectly ordinary child behaving as one would with no attempts at discipline or boundaries! If his mum has lead him to believe that his behaviour is normal and acceptable then it's understandable that he ignores other adults trying to impose their authority on him.

I think I'd be tempted to say "look, he's a lovely child and he doesn't have behavioural difficulties, he's just very naughty because he doesn't know any better". Maybe that's not very sensitive though!

Could you approach it that although your friend thinks he's a perfectly normal little boy - his school doesn't. And regardless of who is right, it's in his best interests to fit in at school.