Bribery, is it the only way?

[ceb80]

I have a 9 month old DS so this doesn't concern me yet but had DB and his family over today and I am always struck by how much bribery/negotiation takes place. Usually over meal times but at other times too such as going out for a walk, putting something in the bin. There always seems to have to be a reward. Their DD is 3.5yrs and very bright and articulate but is a very faddy eater!
I'm not criticising, just interested to know if this is the way to get things done?! I'd like to think not but maybe I'm just being naive!

I try to talk in terms of "if you get yourself changed for bed I'll have more energy left for telling you stories". "If I tidy all your toys then I'll be exhausted and need to MN sit on the sofa. If you tidy your toys I'll have energy left to play snakes and ladders".

I have X amount of energy, the dc can help decide how I spend it.

The energy negotiation doesn't work with encouragement to eat veggies etc. With that it's the old "if you're not hungry enough to eat at least nearly all your tea you're obviously not hungry enough for pudding". Yep bribery. And in my view, much as another way might be better, in practical circumstancs, is the way to get things done.

DD gets given a plate of food, that is it, If she doesn't eat it she doesn't eat it. I will give her fruit or yogurt but I won't cook anything else.

For everytbhing else we gave her 'options'. One which we knew she would hate and the other what we wanted her to do. Worked a treat except for one time when we took her to nursery in pyjamas.

Loving nursery in pyjamas bet they have seen it all before! DH always grins when he sees a child in Sainsburys in full on fancy dress.

Interesting Adam have heard SIL use the energy form of bribery yet usually just the pudding/sweets/present versions.

the energy thing doesn't sound like bribery, more like logical consequences. You help your children to make choices. it helps if you phrase it positively, like, 'if you get dressed quickly we have time for a game before school'. positive, positive, positive!

Bribery is definitely not the only way and if they are bribing a 3 year old to put things in the bin it sounds very counter productive.

Of course, they might be doing things differently because they are visiting you.

Apart from getting them to sleep, babies are pretty easy going compared to 3 yr olds so maybe they just wanted to avoid her having tantrums at your place.

Anyway, 'How to talk so kids will listen' is full of techniques to get your children to comply and is well worth a read if you want to avoid bribery.

'Unconditinal Parenting' and 'Punished by Rewards' by Alfie Kohn talks about the dangers of bribery.

they evening meal has to be eaten. if they are hungrey later they get cold dinner that is still on there plate. they know the rules and after a few yucky over cold meals they learn. they know i mean business!!!!!!!! yes i do bribe through the day to ( and often reward myself with a glass of wine!!!)

I agree with Othersideofthechannel that they might me doing it because they are in "public". I find that bribery works brilliantly if used in a limited fashion. That usually means that I don't normally use it, but do if DS1 is behaving in a difficult manner in public.

At home, we use many other techniques (rewards chart, reasoning, but it is difficult to reason with an overexcited 6 year old who is manipulating the fact that we are in a public place. In that case, simple bribery works effectively.

Parenting these days is unfortunately very reward and punishment based.
you did wrong, sit ont he step.
be nice/do this and I will give you that.

supernanny and most others are based on this.

if you don't want this, then an alternative is Alfie Kohn or a toned down version of it.

I hate the reward stuff. I think it is also ungodly. I am trying to do a toned down version of koln'ism. failing. but trying.

as otherchannel says HTT is a good start. Like it.
Gives choices, which is different to bribery isn't it ?
do you want the red socks or the green ?

I went on a parenting course a few months ago and it was very much based on 'rewards and consequences'. When I questioned whether this actually meant just bribing the kids to be good the woman running the course got very defensive and insisted it didnt at all! Of course it did-if you behave you get this, if you dont this will happen! I hate it, I expect good behaviour and punish bad behaviour.

I'm afraid I'm a frequent user of bribery when we're not at home. Sometimes it's either that or have DS being grumpy at a (usually childless) friend's house or dentist or Dr or shopping trip etc. A bit of well-placed plastic tat can turn a potential nightmare into a pleasant afternoon!

And don't underestimate the power of bribery at home either! DS1 NEVER slept through the night until I resorted to bribery after DS2 was born. (DS1 age 3.5 at this point). I said he could have a sticker for each "good" night (less than 3 wake-ups), and a new toy after 5 stickers. Suddenly he went from waking 5-10 times a night to hardly ever waking. I just wish I'd done it sooner, rather than all the millions of other less materialistic techniques I'd tried!

Mind you, my parents take it too far. They look after the boys while I'm at work, and recently they gave DS1 a toy for doing a wee! That kind of behaviour would bankrupt me in days!

We have bribed the dc for their entire lives. and no doubt will continue.

You do whatever is necessary to get the job done

Of course it depends what 'the job' is!

Someone who thinks that a parent's role is to raise a child that does the right thing for other reasons than what he/she will get out of it, will not be keen on bribery.

My DD loves to help so I find the best way to get her to comply with something is to ask her to help me. Not sure if that would work for anyone else...

Thank you, some really interesting replies. I am sure I will resort to bribery at some stage but would like to avoid it as a first resort.
Will check out those books (love a good book me!)
With the giving them choices thing does that just not give them more scope for procrastinating and changing their minds? My DH is awful at making decisions, has to do it all day at work so refuses to at home! Really don't want a child like that too or is it about empowering them? Sorry very new to this and am interested!

I don't think so - DD gets to choose her breakfast and she often changes her mind when she's eating it, but I won't give her something else. She's made her choice and must live with it (that sounds a lot harsher than it is!)

As for doing things around the house, like putting rubbish in the in, teach them that from the start and praise them when they do (you're a good girl, thank you sweetheart), I don't think bribery's needed in a case like that.

But, I have to confess, we do sometimes do the bribery thing when she eats. She'll sometimes get a chocolate for eating all her dinner (but only if she's eaten well for the rest of the day as well).