Not coping with 4 year old tantrums (sorry long message)

[MrsDaydream]

My DD (4 1/2) has still has regular tantrums and my reaction to these is really getting to me.

At home, she is quite calm most of the time and I can soothe her when she gets upset.

But when we are out shopping and especially at friend's / relative's house, it is a regular thing. Sometimes I can see when she is about to lose it but other times it just comes completely out of the blue. And she is very angry and upset over e.g. me saying that I would like her to put her hat on or if I haven't heard what she has said. Then she will start to run off or sit down and refuse to get up or start pushing me.

And the problem is that I get so cross with her then. I don't feel at all sympathetic for whatever has caused the upset, I am just furious with her. And ashamed of us as I am convinced that other people are judging us. Which I know doesn't help as I become more angry, and it escalates as she gets more out of control.

And then I start to think that I just can't do this and I don't want to be a mum anymore. Its sounds terrible but I just want to walk away and abandon her.

When the upset is over and she has calmed down, we have a big hug and she seems fine. But it takes me a long time "to get over it" - I feel awful for hours that I am not a better mother and terrible about the way I felt about her. Then I remember how much I love her and how special she is and I wish that I could have reacted differently.

I'm not very close to my mum (in fact when she witnessed one of DD's upsets, she advised me to "put her in her room, leave her and lock the door" as that's what she apparently had to do with me) plus I've been living abroad with DH's job so am feeling quite lonely and without any good parenting role models.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

From my experience I think your feelings are perfectly normal. Ds started tantrums at 18 months. They were at their worst from 4 to 5 (yrs old). He was very well behaved at friends but a complete and utter nightmare at home and out in public. I remember various different episodes and got used to people staring open mouthed. I felt utterly useless.

Probably the worst one was in Halfords car park one evening when we had been to collect his scooter. He wanted something else and I said no. I left him in the shop - he refused to move. Put the scooter in the car (I could see him all the time and he was being so loud I could hear him as well). I went back and asked him to come with me. He refused. I dragged him towards the car but he got free and laid in the middle of the car park (it was dark and he was where the cars drive rather than a parking space). He screamed and screamed and screamed for half an hour. I managed to get him up eventually and got him in the car. He tried to get out so I stood by the door and locked him in the car. Where he screamed for another half an hour and hit and kicked me when I opened the door to try and talk to him.

I felt like calling ss and telling them to come and collect him. Sometimes I felt like just dropping him at my mum's and getting a flight somewhere. I felt incredibly unconnected post those episodes despite knowing how lucky I was that ds survived his early days at all and I would dwell on them for days.

We have had plenty of other less defining episodes and it is wearing when your friends don't seem to have children who behave like that. Ds is now 5.5 and has pretty much grown out of it.

My mum came up with good parenting tips - things like it must be you, he is only a child, obviously you are doing something wrong. Not very helpful at all.

You have my upmost sympathy and hopefully the tantruming will subside as she gets older and it will get easier.

My 4 year old DS can have tantrums too. It got particularly bad when DS2 was born 8 months ago. Of course it's understandable, but that didn't stop it being a problem.

I took advice from my health visitor. Basically I praised DS1 a HUGE amount, every time he did something remotely positive - even just going to the toilet! Over time, he started to enjoy the praise, and gradually his behaviour got much better.

If he plays up, I just ignore him now. I tell him I'm going to ignore him, and I do, until he calms down. Of course that's not much use in public, when you're in a shop and you've got to keep an eye on them.

I have to say, I don't think your Mum's idea is too far off the mark! I certainly wouldn't ever lock the door, but I don't think there's any harm in giving kids some time-out in their room - just a few minutes. If nothing else, it gives you a few minutes break! And often a tantrum burns itself out if there's no-one to watch it.

I've recently bought the book How to Talk so Kids will listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk. It looks good so far.