Please help me to help my DH

[QueenNeurosis]

We have a 6 week old dd and she is, at the moment, an absolute joy: very amenable, sleeps and feeds so well so we're not tired or run down because of her but I'm really worried about my dh. Since he went back after paternity leave (and I think he was getting a bit bored towards the end of it tbh) he has been working shifts and so rarely sees our dd. I know that he absolutely loves her to bits, she was very much planned and waited for, but for the short time he's at home he is absolutely shattered from being at work that he needs to wind down and spend time on his own - I'm, by that time, chomping at the bit to get out, go for a pee, do anything that I can't do when I've got dd on my own.

I don't resent him doing anything as I know he works so hard and I'm trying to do anything I can to make his life easier but I don't think he has any comprehension of how tough my days are too.

Also - when I do pass him dd (so that I can hoover, not to chill out and watch telly) he's so shattered that he just holds her with one eye on the telly or the PS3, rather than paying her attention, so she then ends up howling. He sees her crying as a sign that she's either wet or hungry so after getting her into a tizz by jiggling her or whipping off her nappy for the umpteempth time, he calls for me to feed her - more often than not she then just wants a comfort feed.

Last week he went ballistic at me for not coming home immediately when she was crying and I was out at the shops. I'd dosed her up before I popped out but he'd tried to put her down and so she grizzled - so he'd tried to change her nappy so she screamed and he jiggled her and she ended up hysterical. Accused me of being neglectful for not being there to bf her when I know she wasn't hungry.

He really is a fab dh and I love him to bits but how can I help him to see that when dd cries she's not a problem to be fixed without undermining him and how can I help him to have quality time when he's shattered and working terrible hours?

Sorry - I hope some of that made sense.

Thanks!

The problem is that if DD wants a comfort feed and your are breast feeding - there is really nothing he can do. I think I would feel pretty helpless and stressed out in those circumstances.

You should leave him some expressed breast milk so he can feed her if you go out. It is good that you are getting out on your own without DD and leaving DH with her but a screaming baby that wants feeding and with no milk to hand is pretty stressful. Could you express sme milk so he can feed her with a bottle if you go out?

I know I liked being on my own with DSs as babies but that was after 4 months when DW had stopped breast feeding and we were using formula.

It's interesting to get a man's persepective - thanks for taking the time to reply. We're going to start trying expressing after the weekend and hope that helps.

I felt the issue in that situtaion, though, was that she only wanted to suckle as a last resort because she was so upset. What lead up to that was the fact that he tried to put her down - as I do during the day - and she gtrizzled because she wanted attention. He took this immediately to mean that she was wet and whipped off her nappy which makes her scream - she doesn't cry when she's wet, ironically! He then did all the joggling etc which lead to the big screamig match and the eventually the only thing that calmed her down was a suckle although she wasn't feeding. I do feel for dh because jhe never gets to see these things for himself as he's so rarely here and when he is here and he doesn't know what to do I don't feel I can tell him because I don't want to undermine him. Any advice? Thanks loads!

Just a quick one as DS2 is off for a nap and I have a million and one things to do! At 6 weeks old, a baby's cry is very hard to 'interpret'. With our first DS1, I remembered being stressed out all the time as DS1 would scream and scream all day and all the cries sounded the same to us. With DS2, he's a very easy baby and with experience, we are a lot more confident with him and I now don't go into panic mode when he cries but listen to what kind of cry he is making and what time it is (when was his last feed etc?) to decide what he wants. But it's not an easy one. You might not think your DD needs a feed but DS2 can go 4-5 hours without a feed, then makes up for it by wanting a feed every 1.5-2 hours later on. So don't be too hard of your DH, I agree with ABetaDad, you need to leave a 'backup' of sorts, it's not fun being left with a hungry baby and nothing to feed him or her.

Also, some men are not naturals with babies. We assume that because they become fathers, they know what to do with babies. They don't and in fact, get a lot less support than the wives (who has midwives, health visitors, mums etc to rely on). My DH doesn't really do babies very well. I knew that before our LOs arrive but it was still a shock to me that he just didn't seem to know what to do with a baby and would get stressed out by their crying (even if they are his own)! I used to get angry and stressed out with him that he would look to me for help whenever he couldn't pacify the baby. But with our second, we are a lot less relaxed about it generally. My DH works very hard and long hours as well. When he comes home, I always give him a chance to have a shower and sit down before I pass the baby to him. I also try to make sure the baby is nice and calm before passing him on to DH so DH can enjoy a cuddle instead of holding a screaming baby. The good news is my DH is a lot better with a toddler and our 22-month-old DS1 loves him to bits and they play all sorts of silly games together...

You might also want to be more specific about how you want your DH to do stuff. Even after 2 DCs, my DH turned to me the other night to ask me how to hold DS2 as he always seems so content in my arms and wiggles about in his. I made a few suggestions, and soon he managed to get DS2 in a comfy position who then snoozed in his arms. A 6-week-old baby doesn't need much attention, have you got a sling? DS1 used to be in a cloth sling in the evenings on DH leaving DH with two hands free to play with his games console. I honestly can't see anything wrong with that!

I remember this well. It is tricky if you are exclusively breast feeding - I know DP felt powerless a lot of the time. We were in a very similar situation with regards DP's work and I remember having an exhaustion and hormone fuelled one-way slanging match AT him informing him that "he wasn't the father I'd expected him to be and if he wasn't going to bother then I might as well leave right now" . Am normally a fairly reasonable and measured individual so am horrified that I ever said that .

To the present day - DD1 is very nearly 3 and DD2 is nearly 18 months. He's working the same hours that he was before but also has a 3 hour daily commute so is even more tired. He's brilliant with them, loves them to bits and they have a fabulous relationship. He still hardly sees them during the week which is a terrible shame for all concerned but when he is at home it's brilliant.

Just remember, and I know it sounds cliched, you've spent 9 months getting used to the idea that you're caring for a baby and you're able to spend a lot of time with DD during the day. You are getting to know her but that's with the luxury of time, your DH hasn't had that luxury. And yes - I know that it's not luxurious time , you are feeding DD, doing housework and all the stuff that needs to be done but it is still time that is being spent in the company of your DD and it is that has helped build such a strong relationship between my DP and our DDs.

What about a dummy then if she just wants a comfort suck?

You're right you're right... ANy advice on how I can tell im what she wants, though, as I'm really concerned about sending him a you're crap message when he's feeling crap already. But honestly - and you're also right about it all and I do need to take a step back - he does set her off beautifully. I hand him a contented baby but by ignoring her, jiggling and constantly taking off her nappy (there were 4 changes in that 30 mins at the shops) he makes her scream and then says that she's crying because she's hungry and I know she's not.

Worried I'm coming across as petulant when I really don't mean to - I recognise everyting you're saying!

Riddled with typos sorry!

you have had some good advice already

just one more thing I would like to say

stop worrying about him, he is a big boy

he is going to have to find his own way of parenting, you hovering over him and trying to "help him" is just going to wear you out

you are BF, try to leave him to it a bit more

the last thing your baby needs is for you to be tying yourself in knots and getting stressed over the feelings of a grown man !

I don't think I will leave her again - was the local shops 4 doors down to get bread/milk etc - not into town shopping btw. Please don't think I did that!

I don't feel that that night was the problem, though... I accept that it was unfair of me to leave her however. I'm struggling with the fact that I feel I'm getting to know what works for dd and I don't know how to tell dh without knocking him because he's so stressed at work and only home for a few hours a day. The time he does spend with her he ignores her which makes her cry and does things such as jiggle her up and down which also makes her cry.

AnyFucker - X posts, sorry. You're right about him being a biG boy but then he gets all shouty with me saying he doesn't know what's wrong with her when all I want to say is, 'Stop undressing her and stop jiggling her. You're making her cry!' But that seems so so unfair and unkind!

I never left DH alone with DD1 as we were both convinced she would need feeding the minute I was out of the door. However second time round we're much more relaxed about it all and I know that if she's just been fed, she'll be fine at least for an hour or two, and DH knows how to keep her happy if she does get grizzly.

Is there any sure-fire way of keeping her happy? eg out in the pram or something? that way you could maybe suggest your DH takes her for a walk for an hour while you do chores.

6 weeks is very young and she'll be much easier to entertain in a month or two, so don't rush things. It's harder for your DH to be in tune with her needs when he's out at work a lot, so it'll just take a bit longer for him - be patient!

'Oh and the baby is looking at you and you're staring at the TV screen and the volume's up really loud and you're holding her in a weird way so you can use the console.' But he looks so knackered!

when I said 'second time round' I meant with dd2... sorry I'm being unclear!

A couple of things:

1. I think that some dads (and mums for that matter) struggle with babies until they begin 'communicating'. Your baby will shortly start smiling and then your DH will be able to really see some 'return' for the time he spends with her. That might help with the PS3/TV issue!!! (Although my DH can often be found doing 'horizontal babysitting' - ie. 2DCs lying on him whilst he watches Discovery Channel!).

1. How about going out with your DH and DD, leaving DH to look after her (say in the supermarket cafe) whilst you do the shopping. At least you are on hand if your DH gets worried/baby cries.

1. Explain to your DH (in the nicest possible non-patronising way) what you have found easiest with regard to looking after your DD. Tell him that its only cos you spend so much time with her that you feel more confident.

1. Try leaving a bottle of expressed milk. I think a lot of DHs get concerned that they are left high and dry with a bf newborn!

1. If you are going out on your own, explin to DH the EXACT situation (ie. that baby should not need feeding, has had a sleep etc).

1. Explain to your DH that you do not have all the answers, and that you struggle and don't know what to do as well. And that it is no reflection on him if he can't 'solve' the baby crying problem!

Dd is usually good for an hour or so after a feed. Like the pram idea but he's just too tired to do it. Reading back I'm starting to sound like one of those no it all what was the point in asking people I loathe but really feel at my wits end. Thanks for everyone's suggestions. Will def try him playing on the ps whilst wearing the sling!

Thanks undercoversanta! Feel a bit teary.

QN - Let me stress again that 6 weeks is very, very young. Don't put pressure on your DH to 'bond' with DD. They will want their mummies for a very long time. Even DS1 who loves his daddy knows I'm the primary carer and want only me during certain times but I also know that soon, the day will come that he will skip off with daddy to football practice or something without a second glance at me so enjoy the moment. And yes, don't hover. I didn't think anyone could care for DS1 like I do and didn't leave DS1 with DH alone for long periods till he was 13 months old when I had to be at work and DH stayed with him at home for 2 days and they had a brilliant time and DH did just fine. DS1 was clean (sort of!) and didn't starve...

Poor you - it's so hard in the early weeks. I was so upset when DH went back to work after paternity leave when DD1 was born. I felt he'd hardly see her and would never bond properly or get to know her. However that couldn't be further from the truth!

As a result I am much more relaxed 2nd time round and wish I could have been first time too. 6 weeks is so young and it's hard for both of you. Just try to relax a bit (easier said than done, I know) - it will get much better very soon and you will wonder what you were worrying about.

Having said that.... being a mum to a small baby can be hard work so you do need support from your DH. If he's really too tired even to take your DD for a walk, is there any way he can catch up on some sleep, so he can be a bit more use to you?

aww, queen

it's all sooooo overwhelming in the early weeks isn't it

the fact you feel teary probably means you are very tired yourself

I don't want to cause any marital discord here, but you need to look after yourself forst and foremost, then DD, the DH's feelings shoudld come quite a way down your list of priorities tbh

being out at work is nooooo way as tiring as dealing whith a new baby and bf

any bloke that doesn't understand that is an arse, IMO

give both of you a break and accept that nobody gets it perfect all the time

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I also feel that you are worrying about your DH too much. You should look after yourelf. He should look after you! I started leaving my DP with DS for an hour or two when DS was about 6 weeks old but he always had a bottle of EBM to hand. DS had colic, severe reflux and lactose intolerance and he literally screamed all day. We both had to learn how to cope with it.
Your DH needs to get to know your LO and he will not get there by watching TV..
I also think working is far less exhausting or stressful than looking after a newborn.

I often find myself telling my DP about new things I have discovered that help to soothe DS or get him to sleep. DP shares his trick with me too. As I am the one spending most time with DS it is obvious to both of us that I will know him a bit better. DS is now 19 weeks old, still has screaming sessions but I am perfectly happy leaving him with his dad.

Queen Neurosis, congratulations on the baby. Try not to worry that your DH needs to spend time alone with the baby to be a good father. My dh has always been a very loving father but it's only now with our fifth child (10 weeks) that he's been ok to be alone with her even for five minutes. (I tried once to express milk, got less than a teaspoonful even though I knew my supply was fine, and never bothered again.)

It took this many children for my dh to be sure that the baby wouldn't explode if she had to wait a few minutes to be fed! Yet his relationship with the older ones is still great, even the two who are now teenagers.

I use the "maybe you could try..." with my DH when I know DD just wants to be cuddled or walked around rather than fed. Remember, you've had loads more time to practise what works and him having a little hint will hopefully boost his confidence.

Congratulations.