SAHM - I see people but feel lonely

[windthebobbin]

I have 2 children under 2 and don't live near family or friends. I have lived where I am for 18 months or so and meet other mums and go to playgroups (though not as regularly as I should in the last 6 mo since little one born). All of the interactions I have are superficial - we don't talk about anything really and I crave intellectual stimulation. I have 2 close friends who I get to see maybe 2 or 3 times a year and for various reasons I do not have any contact with my family and things have in recent times not been great with husband's family. So I feel quite lonely and unsupported. My husband does what he can to help at home and we do share the same interests in politics and current affairs and that helps as we discuss things. But probably like a lot of SAHM I am desperate to talk in the evenings whereas he is tired and wants to switch off.

We are probably moving with my husband's work in the next 6 months or so and I want to make a fresh start with the children being slightly older and in nursery maybe by the end of the year (older one now goes 2 mornings a week). I know this will pass and I will get out more but I wonder how people who like talking and being with people manage being a SAHM. I think my loneliness is contributing to me feeling quite down about myself and coupled with problems with inlaws and a stressful couple of years having 2 small children I want in the new year to feel and do things differently and I guess wonder how other people cope with these feelings?

Oh you poor thing - you sound terribly isolated. Two babies is very hard work.

Do you know where you are likely to be moving to with your DH's work? Can you throw yourself into planning the move really well, such that you ensure you live somewhere with good facilities for mothers of young children?

What about joining or forming a book club? Might generate more interesting conversations.

Yes, the possible superficiality of local relationships is a trial, but just remember that we all do need a bit of superficial conversation and gossip and discussion about what the DCs could possibly be thinking when they do x, y and z.

So the answer is balance. I've managed to get a bit of balance online with mumsnet, trying to make more of an effort to talk to DH in the evening, trying to see friends more often (though they keep cancelling... or I have to because DS is ill), doing a bit more writing, and the seasonal effort of the Christmas cards.

Just go after interactions of all levels, and somehow your social life and needs will feel a bit fuller. It's a harder slog than getting your interaction at the office and after work (sooo much easier to go out after work, and don't the DPs know it, dammit?!), but that's what we've got to do.

In the meantime, maybe start throwing in some different comments when you are meeting up with your local friends. You never know what jokes and new conversation ideas they may respond to. I've had mixed success with this, as I still don't know people well enough to always pitch the correct ideas, but sometimes proper, and deeper, conversations do flower.

P.S., windthebobbin, my DS loves that song, too!

I know exactly what you mean.

Agree with the poster who suggested a bookclub.

Whereabouts are you moving to?

Yes, I agree about the bookclub too. Have you thought about doing a course of some sort? either at college if you are going to move near one or distance learning? also a nursery that your children start attending will probably cry out for help if they have a PTA - I am on the PTA at my DCs school and the background/careers of the group is very varied. Good luck.

Here's a suggestion from a neighbour who did this when she moved somewhere new with two young children - have you ever considered becoming a local counsellor or clerk to a parish council? She tells me it gives you a lot of intellectual stimulation and helps you meet a lot of people.

Book clubs are really worthwhile, and sometimes libraries run them too.

And could you move somewhere close to a college that does evening classes? And get students (maybe even students studying childcare) from the college as babysitters?

My neighbour also said to me that it took her 6 months to find where on earth everybody else was, but when she found them, that was life sorted for the next 30 years!

windthebobbin - we have something of the same problem. Moved to a new city in the summer. We work at home and know really no one at all.

I started working at a charity 2 mornings a week and doing an evening class. The evening class is not great for really meeting people as we just sit there listening to the lecturer but the charity work is good. You need something for the evening where you can talk to people so some kind of local cvic society, drama group, school governor body, charity may be good. DW is taking a job a temporary lecturer at the local university for one day a week. You may even want to think about taking an evening job for a few hours of paid work.

My parents got to know everyone very quickly by joining local parish coucil, Britain in Bloom group, WI, and church group when they moved to a new village.

There are always groups looking for volunteers. Its just a matter of getting some time carved out in the evening where DH looks after the DCs.

Also if you are interested in current affairs I go on politics blogs, economics blogs and chat with people just like here on MN during the day. There really are loads of forums for all sorts of interests and you could do that during the day and get involved in online chats about politics/economics or whatever takes your fancy - at least to keep your brain working.

What about a part time evening course furthering your education in your chosen field.

Or if you don't have a chosen field anything you were interested in but never did when I was in college I met a sahm who was doing maths because she was always interested in the subject and my teacher asked me to tutor her in my spare time as she found some areas difficult and we became really good friends in college even though there is 30 years between us.