How to be a good parent in a bad marriage

[londongurl]

Hey Ladies...
I while ago I came on here to ask your opinions about about book a male friend of mine was writing... Not sure if anyone remembers it? The book is now available as an e-book online, so I just thought I would share that with you and say thank you for the feedback. I have read it cover to cover, and even though I am not a mother (but - actually after that line I could become a poet or a limerick writer!) I know that its the sort of book I would find invaluable if had kids, even if my marriage was ok, and not even a struggle. I am not sure if I am allowed to post the link to the website on here, so I won't (can anyone confirm for me if I am allowed to or not?) but you can find his video chip on google by putting in 'how to be a good parent in a bad marriage'. (grin)

Very interesting.
Is your friend still married?

I remember your thread, and will look it up. I think the main criticism of the idea was that if you know you are in a bad marriage, you should fix it, or ship out. It is setting an awful example of relationships to do otherwise. So I willhave a look, but I tend to think that although there may be a demand, it is not a way of life you'd recommend.

Nothing on google with those words searched. What is the author's name?

Steve (the author) is going to register so he can answer your questions directly

Do you really think that there are only two options? Fix it or ship out? Is marriage really that simple?

here

I am guessing he is no longer married. At what point did his reasons for staying (the kids) cease to win the day?

Hi Jasper
No, I'm not married - I got divorced 4 years ago

Actually, I left when my children became independent of me emotionally - at least in a child-like way. By the time I left they had their own social lives and I hardly saw them. So I knew that they no longer relied on me as children. When I left the house it was smiles and hugs and we said 'see you later in the week'.

I do think that you either fix it or ship out, yes. I get that things might not be perfect, but I imagine taking home a book with that title aint gonna help if your partner sees it!

Well, that's a good point BitofFun. Which is why it's an e-book. It's a sensitive issue. However, most couples who are in a bad marriage know it. And if you read the book you'll see that it's a good book for the partner as well as the reader. It's not full of quick-fix solutions, nor is it a book which excludes anyone. It's a book for the family. I'm trying to get parents to understand that in loving your child you can find a measure of happiness which helps to keep the family together. I'm not pretending that all marriages are fixable, nor am I trying to persuade couples to stay together. I'm merely saying 'hey, you don't have to be miserable in a marriage you can't or won't leave'. Try this.

I know parents who have stayed in their marriages for the sake of the kids but have struggled to find happiness. I stayed for 20 years in my marriage and for a long time I was miserable, until I realised that my children's happiness was more important than my own. In changing my focus from myself to them I found a new kind of happiness. I wouldn't exchange that experience for the world.

It's not just a book for parents either. My children have read it and have told me that it has helped them to understand and appreciate a lot more about me and about parenting.

My own experience was that leaving my ex lifted a weight from my shoulders and relieved a lot of tension. I have found happiness with somebody else, and life is much more pleasant for all of us. I don't really think that self-sacrifice is a great model for kids when it comes to learning about good relationships.

Yeah. I get that. I don't judge people for whatever decision they make. Every situation is different. But there are enough people in the world saying 'leave' or 'fix it'. Not every relationship is that clear cut. I know that there are some parents who would never dare leave for all kinds of reasons. This book is for them. It's not my place to convince people what they should or shouldn't do. I just think that those who find themselves in a place where they feel they cannot leave need to know that they can still find happiness and their child need not necessarily have to suffer the trauma of an acrimonious marriage. There's not agenda here. It's really for those who have decided to stay but wonder if they can ever be happy.

Only a life lived for others is a life worth living - Albert Einstein

Thehappyparent thanks for coming on here to explain.
It does sound like there is a niche for your book.

I am not sure I agree with the Einstein quote.

I am more of the opinion "if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy"

Do you consider yourself to have stayed in the MARRIAGE whilst unhappy, or just in the marital home?

Well, Jasper, I think that life has its happiness and unhappiness. Some people look for happiness in their work, some look for it in their hobbies, some in personal relationships.

When I realised that I couldn't find it in my marriage, and I certainly didn't have it in my job I realised that there were two people in my life who needed me more than anyone else did. So I made sure that I was the best parent I could be. I'm not saying I was a perfect parent, but I was the best parent I could be.

The thing is, I have asked both my kids, now that they are adults, if they had preferred I stayed or left and they both say that they are glad I stayed. I found great fulfilment in my role as a parent and stopped expecting so much from my marriage. It was merely a shift in my own priorities.

So the answer is, my marriage wasn't a happy one, but my relationships with my children were happy ones. Overall, I found fulfilment and happiness in my life by prioritising my role as a parent and making my children happy.