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Relationship problems caused by multilingualism

17 replies

greenforest · 17/12/2009 10:51

I was wondering if anyone experiences divisiveness due to the OLOP experience or bringing up children in their own languages.

My DH has become unbearably competitive and does everything possible to prevent me from spending time or speaking to the kids more than he does as he views it as me trying to dominate with my language. I get "punished" whenever I spend more time with the kids like if I get home early from work(half hour than he does) then it makes it his right to have quality time with them. It's gotten to a point where only he can take them to school in the morning because again I spend way too much time with them (I work full-time by the way and pay most of the expenses). He is always tallying up. And throwing it back at me. Like they dont speak his language. They speak it better than other kids in the same situation. He is obsessed with his language and won't let up. I also can't share advances that they make in my language or funny things they say because I know he will use it to say "see I need to push my language" or if my little ones (which they dont anymore) used to sing a song or happy birthday in my language he would get extremely angry and say something like from now on I want to spend more time doing things in my language. I have become quiet and "hide" my language when we are a family. It makes me so sad that he doesnt see that it doesn't really matter at the end of the day. They can speak both very well and obviously English (oh and on homework that is my duty since it is in English as he wont waste his time on doing something not in his language)but he will help with math as he can do that in his language. This is the kind of situation I am in. Anyone have similar experiences or is this just plain crazy?

OP posts:
canella · 17/12/2009 10:59

think the language thing is a factor here but your dh has other issues - thats no way for a husband to speak or act towards his wife.

I wouldnt be putting up with that! sorry!

slng · 17/12/2009 11:10

Plain crazy. I can understand his concern up to a point (mine is the "minority" language) but it seems there are other issues here ...

I sympathise with you about not being able to share the funny things the LOs say in your language. Tell us here!

Bucharest · 17/12/2009 11:14

That's nothing to do with language. That's a control freaky nuttery husband.

(sorry)

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MIFLAW · 17/12/2009 11:18

Agree with other posters. As the minority parent it's easy to think like this and get a bit, shall we say, "defensive" of time spent and purity thereof ...

But there's a difference between thinking and acting. The priority for me has to be my daughter feels happy and bilingual with both of us, even if that bilingualism favours her mother's language - not miserable with perfect French with just me.

MIFLAW · 17/12/2009 11:20

Also no reason why he couldn't make this "competitiveness" a positive thing if he really wanted to (ie your child has a more intense and fulfilling relationship with both of you as a result of OPOL.) Don't let him blame multilingualism for this, it's not on.

Just my view though.

cory · 17/12/2009 18:29

It sounds like he is unhappy about other things tbh.

greenforest · 18/12/2009 10:13

Well, it is true that he is a control freak and that causes many problems.

I guess I am alone here. Anyone have similar issues but to a lesser degree?

OP posts:
Pitchounette · 18/12/2009 11:42

Message withdrawn

Pitchounette · 18/12/2009 11:43

Message withdrawn

greenforest · 18/12/2009 13:53

Thanks, Pitchounette

OP posts:
belgo · 18/12/2009 14:00

Sorry but I'm also in agreement that the problems with your dh are not because of the languages.

It can be stressful bringing up children to speak two languages - but not to the point where you have to hide your own language, that really isn't normal.

roneef · 18/12/2009 15:18

I agree with belgo.

Today he wants to make an issue of language but I can guarantee tomorrow it will be something else.

My dh can be a bit controlling but I reel him in once a while.

Not that it's always a problem but I don't want behaviour patterns to develop.

You need to have a frank discussion.

tethersjinglebellend · 18/12/2009 15:30

Really controlling behaviour IMO- I have the opposite problem: My (French) DP doesn't speak in French enough with our DD, I am constantly nagging him to do so.

He says it's because I can't speak French, he feels like he's excluding me when he talks to her in French, which is a pretty nice thing to think really. I still wish he would speak French to her more, but now I'm also trying to learn the language. (It's not going well).

It's not really about the language, it's the attitude to it that counts.

RacingSnake · 18/12/2009 18:28

Tethers - don't know how old your dd is, but I learnt along with my dd (now 3). I did speak rusty schoolgirl French before, but now am far more fluent and have learnt so many words and phrases just by being present when they chat. A bit limiting, since I couldn't discuss politics or engineering, but I am very good at saying 'Do you want a wee?' or 'I told you you would fall off if you did that again'.

DH is a bit like that about French, too, Greenforest. But only when I feel he is just looking for something to be angry about.

tethersjinglebellend · 19/12/2009 13:26

Thanks, racingsnake- my DD is 12 mo, so neither of us can really understand her at the moment!

It's encouraging to know that you learned enough French to get by- they is hope for me

RacingSnake · 19/12/2009 19:02

You can learn with her!

BornAgain · 23/12/2009 15:08

Yes, it is definitely possible to learn a language with your child. I have done so!

This is a sad situation OP. I just have time for one suggestion - always try and develop the 2 languages evenly. So, if for example you know your child can talk about Xmas in English, tell your dh he could work on vocabulary on Xmas in his language. I know I do this and it makes me feel better ; )

But this is a far from normal situation. The children will be too frightened to speak if this goes on for fear of upsetting one paretn!

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