Different parenting styles - how do you manage it?

[bumblebumble]

I don't think this belongs in AIBU so I will have a go. My husband and I are different in our approaches to things - he is very particular about things being clean and tidy (I like tidy but with 2 children under 2 I struggle) so he likes the washing up done straight after a meal, bathroom clean etc - all things I aspire to but do not manage. I feel that I direct him a lot - at breakfast - can you hold the baby whilst I get the bottle done etc etc (he can't/won't prepare bottles). He often does not like my way of asking him - often just getting exasperated with him - today he kindly was able to stay at home at lunchtime whilst I took smallest for her check up - so I have 20 mins to have my lunch, feed baby, maybe get a cup of tea and older one wanted food and asking for things etc. He did wash up but his back is to us most of the time - doesn't offer to feed baby whilst I eat, doesn't notice if older one wants something - just in a world of his own whilst I am rushing about. It is always like this and i get so frustrated - I think he is half soaked and unfortunately he knows I think that. I want to not say anything - just do what I need to do but it is so hard. I get annoyed that I am meant to be grateful for help, any help I can get - how do I give him more autonomy but not let the children especially the older one think I am ignoring her because father operates in the slow lane?

Is this about parenting styles OR about a pain in the arse dh?

I would have buried him in the garden if he were mine.

If he is particular about the bathroom bieng clean, the washing up being done, then he can do them.

You sound like you have 3 kids to me, not 2. You poor thing.

Sounds like he doesnt take initiative and realise that actualy, he is 50% responsible for the work, child care etc. Its not all down to you.

What about laying it on the line with him. Even if it means a row to get things right?

Routine, he does xxxx in the morning while you do xxxx.

If he is particular about clean and tidy, make cleaning and tidying his responsibility. I'm assuming you don't follow him to work and wander around critisizing, no? \He has no right to do this to you, the house wife in this situation.

Why the fuck are you 'aspiring' to wash up straight after a meal? Hmm? tell him to get to it if he feels it needs doing now!

Message withdrawn

What does 'half soaked' mean?

I think it means drunk. Is that the issue, bumblebumble ?

I think Pitchounette has a point. Have you left him alone with both of them?

But it's sounds like it's not just about what gets done but about personalities.

I am a high speed, get my jobs done before I sit down person and I know that when you have two under two that means you only get to sit down when feeding or doing a puzzle with the older one and probably both at the same time!

My DH is way more relaxed and often thinking about other things and not noticing what needs to be done or what time it is. Fortunately he knows he has to wants to do his share, and doesn't appear bothered about the way I ask him to do things, which varies according to how stressed I am. Even though he has had the children to himself plenty of times, I still end up directing a bit while he is around otherwise they would all decide to go exploring a ditch half a mile from the house just before it gets dark!

But he does bring plenty of other things to raising the children that I don't. Like taking the children exploring ditches for example! I have learnt stuff from the way he is with the children and he has learnt a bit from me but we are never going to do things in exactly the same way, but where's the harm in that?

Oh and you definitely need a chat out of the heat of the moment about priorities: children's needs before chores!.

As for the older one not feeling ignored, what about 'Ask Daddy'? If she isn't verbal enough, could you just say 'DH, DD needs you help' and leave them to work it out between them.

has he always been this way? If so maybe he's not made the huge adaptation you make when you have a family, ie that the washing up won't get done asap after the meal has finished. You will be dusting yourself down, wiping hands, supervising what they do next, putting stuff away etc etc. Life is very hectic with little ones but also very slow in otherways. The household chores get started and interupted, I am amazed if I get any job finished in one go from start to finish. My expectations of wanting a tidy house haven't changed -hey do we all have aspirations? - by I have lowered my expectaions of when they get done.

I would give him some time with the children so he does get to see what you do, not as a punishement or a 'see how you cope' kind of thing but more of a 'see things from my point of view for a while' kind of thing.

I have just read 'What mothers do, when it looks like nothing' which has really helped me feel I am accomplishing far more than I ever thought and also given dh a lot to think about as we've chatted about a few things it's raised, Sometime books are a good way in as you can bring up an idea as a discussion from the perspective of 'it says here...what do you think?' which may give him a feeling that you're not nagging him.

I do get annoyed with these men who say 'I can't see what needs doing' though, my dh was one of them and it's hard but he's changing now which is good as we've got 3 boys!

thank you

I agree with othersideofthechannel - he does wash up, goes shopping, tidies the kitchen at night so it is clean and ready for the next day - he does lots, but just needs directing a lot and I want to stop that - he does not like it - wants me to say things nicely every time even when I am stressed and it is not doing me any good. His mom and dad hate me directing him and will make snide comments about if he is allowed to think for himself which along with other nasty comments they have made is wearing down my self esteem and I am feeling like I am not a very nice person. He is super efficient at work and has to have attention to detail but things at home like getting paperwork done etc is all left to me. I just want to stop and stand back a bit to take the nagging out of things as I am fed up with it.

Sounds like he is still adapting and lacks experience.

Of course you should be polite as much as possible, it is a good example for your DCs. But I think it helps to point that at certain stress points (just before a meal with really little ones, just before you leave for school with bigger ones) that you may have to bark out orders.

bumble what did you mean by "half soaked " ?

is it not a phrase you have heard? I am guessing it comes from people being drunk - maybe but it just means a bit dopey - sorry obviously a 1970's thing and I am from the west midlands

Slow witted or slow in movement, laid back. [South Wales/W. Midlands use

Half soaked, 'alf soaked
Slow in movement and/or wit; "He's proper 'alf soaked - too slow to catch a cold.!

Aaaah - no, where I come from (SE/London), it definitely means pissed . I am 70's, though.

I am relieved - I thought this was going to be an alcoholism thread.

As you were.

Yes, I know the expression in reference to drunkeness, but that didn't fit into what you were describing in your OP.

Do really think he is dimwitted?