Anyone else given up on bilingualism?

[EndangeredSpecies]

if so did you feel it was the right decision? Just curious as considering taking that step.

Endangered

Not yet, but I think we all think about it from time to time ...

What is it that's going so badly that you are thinking of going through with this?

Yes, what is going wrong?

hmm, i definately have, we are failing here tbh.

DH speaks urdu (which somehow allows him to also speak hindi and punjabi) and we originally started with OPOL.

However as i was a sahm and dd an early talker, dd started to speak in english predominantly then dh and his whole family spoke to her in english, despite my protesting that i could teach her urdu the rest was up to them

Now she has no comprehension of urdu that i dont know (not much)

Since ds has been born everyone seems to speak in urdu to him as well (as he doesnt reply in english yet, which is when the stopped with dd)

Hopefully it'll work but there have been times i have given up and thought why bother as i cant actually change iy

We had moments of despair, when DD was 2.5yo and DS a baby but struggled through because my parents do not speak enough German to have a proper relationship with the DC if they are not English speakers.

I think that the worst thing is that everyone you meet says, 'Oh, fantastic. It is just so easy for them to learn two languages, they are little sponges at that age'.

No, it is not easy, it is bloody hard work and most of the work is done by the parents.

I am so thankful that we struggled through, it did get easier and they are now truly bilingual (almost trilingual)

What is making it hard for you?

How old is dd?

It is hard to speak another language to them if thet answer in English and you are used to speaking English. If your dh's family are fluent English speakers it will feel strange to persist with Urdu when dd is speaking English to them. However, if you keep on with, it starts to feel normal. It might be easier for them to start by singing in Urdu or reading stories to the children, playing games and learning nursery rhymes.

If your dc spend most time with you and you are not a fluent speaker, they will be immersed in English. You need to try and shift the balance. Have you thought of DVDs and songs in Urdu? If Urdu is that close to Hindi, you can even borrow children's DVDs in both languages from the library - look at the tiny print on the back for the list of languages. I am always looking for French ones, so I spend my time doing this. Have you got a great granny who doesn't speak English whom you could visit and would sing nursery rhymes and play with them? Are there other Urdu speaking families in the area so that the children could meet up?

I read somewhere that it takes 3 months to change a habit, so this might mean 3 months hard work, but think of the advantages to your dc for the rest of their lives!

(ps I know this can be done and that it is difficult. My dd is 3 and it now feels normal for me to speak to her in French. My french has improved enormously, but it wasn't easy at first!)

MmeLindt - I am half German and had to learn German myself when I went to university. Would love to bring up dd trilingual but just can't seem to fit it in, so she only knows a few phrases. Very of your dc.

Ah, we are only trilingual because we moved to French speaking Switzerland - or rather the DC are trilingual, they are much better than I am at French. They go to local schools so have learnt French there. German and English at home from us.

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Only just starting, since dd is only 3, but I assume that it will be a bit like learning to play the piano - a lot of effort, possibly requiring bribery and foot stamping, but very very well worth it in the long run.

It IS hard.

We spoke french and arabic to DS when he was a baby but after he started school we have had to concentrate on English.
He can speak french and some arabic but prefers english. We have to speak english most of the time because he is now an avid reader (Year 1) and we have to be consistent with homework and all....plus he is also learning mandarin at school!
The "sponge" thing seems to prove true for him. He definitely has an ear for languages.

DD (19 months) only speaks english. She is very capable and starting to string little sentences. Somehow I feel we would stop her on her tracks by insisting on speaking another language.
I continue to speak french to her and she gets it because she can act upon what I say most of the time. She uses a few french words, so I hope it will sink in somehow.

But I have to say, am disappointed that english has become our primary mode of communication.
It's the easiest language to learn!

I agree with all of you. It is very hard and very frustrating at times. I have spoken Spanish to my son since birth. He's 6 now. He consistently responds in English to me. However, if my parents are here, or other Spanish friends, he switches quite easily. So in a way, I know that he just speaks English to me because he finds it easier, but my efforts are paying off.
All I can say is "don't give up". They'll thank us for it in the future.

Endangered, I agree with everybody else: it IS hard, and much as children can be "little sponges" you still have to offer them stuff to sponge up IYKWIM.

I have become lazy , I think at least partially because as DSs understanding of the world and therefore their questions are becoming more complex and involve theoretical concepts, it is just plain easier to answer in English. So English has pretty much become our family language.

However, and it is a big however, when my parents visit or DSs are at theirs they do quite easily switch into German, certainly for normal everyday conversations. And they enjoy German kid's TV....

So, I do not think it is ever a mistake to raise children with 2 languages, but it is hard and I had to reconcile myself with the fact that they will not truly be bilingual but have a dominant language and a second language. Which is more than you can say for the vast majority of children in Britain, so pat on back to all of us!

multi-lingualism was never really very important to me. I would not have been that bothered if dd had ended up more or less monolingual as a German speaker, had we stayed in Germany.

Had we lived in Russia and she had been in effect purely a Russian speaker, it would not have bothered me much either (except that my Russian is abysmal...).

The only real reason I perservered with English was that it is so important in the world of work, with regard to studying, opportunities in later life so seemed to be to her disadvantage if I let it slide. If my mother tongue had not been as much of a world language tbh I would not have worried about it all that much. One language, truly mastered, in which a dc feels at home is maybe enough.

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I agree, Pitchounette - but what makes it easier for me is remembering that it is a no-lose gamble. Perhaps my daughter will be fluent; perhaps she won't. Perhaps she will read and write French; perhaps she won't even speak it unless she absolutely has to. But I can GUARANTEE that she will be better than if I wait for her to start at school, in a class of 20 or 30, in 3 or even 9 years' time ...

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Have been following this thread will interest and agree with so much of it.

I am from the Uk but live in France. Kids were born here, DH is French although he speaks quite good English.

I often despair that the children will speak English properly and feel sad that there is so much of my own culture that they don't know about.

We are just home from a trip to the UK and the DCs are speaking lots of English to me at the moment which is great.

I know once the effect of the trip home wears off they will go back to French though. They can speak English not too badly considering that they are only young (6 and 3) but it is just so much easier for them to speak French.

People here are always saying to me how great it is that I have bilingual children to which I just smile and nod because I don't think they would really understand if I said 'but they aren't bilingual'. As said on this thread they have a dominant language and a second language which is pretty good I guess.

I think to be truly bilingual you have to have lived in both countries.

We gave up.

I agree with everyone who has said it was harder than expected especially the need to live in both countries or have regular prolonged visits in both. One problem is that although children learn so fast, absorb it all etc etc - they also forget just as fast.

Our dcs only speak English (my language) and have never got further than very simple basics in dh's language. We get to dh's country once a year or less, pick up loads of the language each time and always come away determined to keep it up. Within a month each time we have slipped out of the habit because we don't live in an area where they have any opportunity to hear that language. Looking back dh and I had the wrong strategy. We decided we would each speak our own language to the dcs so it ended up the dcs hearing 90% English as we live in the UK. I wish now we'd decided that I had also spoken dh's language routinely at home.

Other things that have made it almost impossible:

• dh feeling not really motivated to teach them his language when it got hard
• dh not being at home for the majority of the day when they were little
• me not speaking dh's language fluently enough (can speak it but not 'naturally')
• resistance from the dcs themselves wanting to be like friends, to speak what they heard around them and what came easiest
• dh's family insisting on practising their English on the dcs when with them

Congrats to anyone who has managed!

Pitchounette

I do understand that the stakes are higher when you have an emotional involvement with the language like that - but, actually, the principle doesn't change. Obviously, a lot of my friends (and my support network) ARE mother tongue bilinguals. In some cases, my child is more forthcoming at speaking French than theirs! But I like to think that they derive some comfort from the fact that, okay, maybe little J-P will never write like Sartre, but at least he won't be giving grand'maman hurtful blank looks at Christmas time - and maybe Clothilde doesn't know all the verses of "il etait un petit navire" but at least she recognises a galette when it's put in front of her.

But, yes, in some ways, I have it easy - though of course in my case the bilingualism really is hard work for me, as well as for my child - especially when I've just woken up and have to "become" French instantly!

Absolutely not. DD is 5.2 and ever more bilingual (French/English).

But we live in an ideal scenario - bilingual mother, OPOL family structure, bilingual school, lots of opportunities for DD to travel to England.

No - my children are bilingual - but also ideal environment -OPOL, both parents able to speak other language well - so father and children can speak in French and I understand and can continue on in English and vice versa - not at all uncommon situation in our house to have bilingual conversation going around the dinner table. We are also fortunate in that we have lived in both English and French speaking countries during the children's lives so they have been used to having English being the dominant language in some places and French being the dominant language at the moment.

I do think it is very important that the parents can speak the other language - I would imagine if i was unable to speak in French it would be so much harder, as I would not be able to understand what my DDs said to my DH, and could not join in.

Are your children at a French school, shophappy?

Bilingual school, Bonsoir - although only 6 hours English per week so I don't really count it as truly bilingual (but only because their last school in different country did 50% English/50% French across all subjects - i.e each subject was taught in both languages - one day in English with MT english teacher and next day in French with MT french teacher - was superb!)

Oh they're at Lamartine, aren't they? I remember from another thread.

Is it true that they have to wear a sweater with a school logo this year?

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