Stubborn Child

[evita122]

Can someone please tell me how to deal with a stubborn child?
My daughter is 6 and will not do anything I ask her to. Everything is a 'No'. The biggest problem is getting ready for school. Every morning is a struggle beacause she just wont go to the bathroom or will not get dressed. I've tried everything, rewards, threats you name it but she just simply doesnt care. It reduces me to tears every day and I just cant cope with it any more.
Any ideas?

RE: The getting dressed. Last year I used to have to literally fight dd1 to get her clothes on. After which she would remove them again.

After becoming mightily sick of this I told her that we would be leaving the house in x amount of time regardless of whether or not she was dressed. She chose not to listen to me. She was rather shocked and cold when she was removed from the house in her underwear. Her unifrom followed shortly after her and she was more than glad to put it on.

She has not done it since.

Is there any reason she won't get dressed? Does she like school wonce she is there?

She loves school. Its weekends as well, even if she has a party to go to she still messes and wont get ready. Its driving me mad. Thats what I did this morning, dragged her downstairs in her pjs, stuck her boots and coat on and said she will be putting her uniform in her headmaster's office. She was screaming and kicking but then waited patiently until I got her baby sister ready. In the end I told her she had 2 mins to put her uniform ready and if she doeas that again she WILL be going to school like that.
Problem with her she wont listen and doesnt care.

Are you prepared to follow your threat through? I imagine she'd soon start getting dressed when you tell her to if she had to walk to school in nightwear then change there.

If it's an event she likes, say you'll phone them and explain she can't come - and follow through with it (obviously not so easy with school, but good for a party). I've got as far as picking up the phone and dialling before DS shrieks "NO I DO want to!" The key is(not that I always manage it!) not to appear riled - just v matter of fact and calm - OK fine, you won't get dressed, we can't go, shall I just phone them now to let them know? That's OK by me, then I'll have a nice sit down and a cup of tea and you can sit on the floor in you pjs. Ok with you?

She may be doing it because it gives her a feeling of power to know she can get to you and get your attention away from the baby. So if you can combine staying calm about this, with giving her more one-to-one attention at other times (if possible!), that might help.

Thank you all for replying. :-)
People do ask me if it started when the baby was born but she is in Y2 now and the baby is 6 months old. She's been like that since she started school. She is the youngest in class (august bday) so I wondered if it was too early for her having to behave herself and its the kind of 'i need to get it out somwhere' thing. I am trying to stay calm but sometimes its just getting to the point I can't take it any more as it it EVERY morning.
I try to make myself feel better by thinking that as long as she's a good girl outside of the house then thats ok but it doesnt always work.

It's very hard evita. My dd is a horror at home, very stubborn full of temper and attitude and sometimes violence. At school though she is a different child to the one we endure at times. You haven't said anything about her father your dp. How does he (or she) deal with it or doesn't she play up for them?

she's so young and you've labelled her already, in a horrible way.

Try and communicate with her in a positive way, and give her controlled choices. Pretty much what Mdamedubain has suggested. if she chooses to keep her PJs on, then the consequence is that she goes to school in the PJs.

The trick is too keep your tone light and keep the situation moving forward. Look pleased (but nnot too OTT)

'wow, you're out of bed already?! Great! Now, are you getting dressed before or after breakfast?'

DD - 'I'm not getting dressed!'

mum - 'your choice. Myself? I wouldn't fancy going out into the cold in my PJs'

Then walk away.... don't stay and battle. DO let her know that you're leaving in 10 mins... 'are you wearing PJs or school clothes?'

If you do get to the point where she's not dressed on time, don't start yelling that you're going to be late. The consequence for bweing late for school, is being kept in at break to complete work (?? or other consequence).

When she does comply, don't go OTT and say how proud you are of her. A friendly hug and something along the lines of ... 'awesome, you're ready. Now we can have fun on the way to school.'

i would never, ever force her into clothes.

Are you getting up early enough? To leave at 8:25am, we get up at 7am prompt. Allows plenty time for DS1 to dress himslef and have a little play. Young children just don't "get" the need to rush, and your DD may need a little dawdling time in the morning!

DO ask her why she doesn't like egtting dressed, and don't dismiss her feelings. She may associate being dressed with being separated from you

totally agree with shinyandnew and everyone else who suggested the pyjamas "threat". I told them they'd have to explain to the teacher why they were still in their pyjamas and they both looked at me in amazement, then started getting dressed. I've had DS outside the front door in socks and t-shirt putting his shoes on before now, luckily I've never had to take it further than that!!

I do agree with your advice Highlander, but this labelling isn't so terrible. My DS is bloody stubborn. He just is, and has been since birth. I don't even think it's necessarily a bad quality, all round - it could stand him in good stead in many situations. But it's true. It's part of his personality - it's not like labelling a child bad or useless.

I happened to watch Supernanny the other night and she made a "Get Up and Go" chart for this family of 4 children (oldest was 6). It was a matrix with their names down the sides and a little photo of each one with velcro stuck on the back. Then across the top were all the tasks they had to get done and lots more velcro dots ... make bed, brush hair, get dressed, eat breakfast, put on coat and shoes etc. As they completed each one, they moved their picture along. They went from always being late to ending up with time to spare.

Other than making beds, all other activities were done downstairs. So clothes were brought down the night before and put in the living room for them to get dressed into. Even the youngest ones were dressing themselves.

I described this to my almost 7 year old DD who dawdles terribly in the mornings. I got a black look. But we will be making one for January.

I used to be a teacher and once a child turned up for school in PJs he was about 7 at the time. The other children found it very funny and needless to say it never happened again!

i think the key is to stay calm but you must always follow through with rewards and sanctions so she knows where she stands and can trust you.

i have a 3 year old DD who is refusing to put her angel costume on at the moment! i'll be watching closely for any tips, i know she's young so its difficult to reason with her and explain that dad and nanny have taken the day off to see their precious angel in the nursery nativity on wednesday...now i could almost understand her reluctance if she was a donkey or camel....not that there's anything wrong with animals, i was a sheep 2 years running!

Oh I feel your pain OP. My dd1 is eight and will react to the most reasonable request with a mutinous look. Teeth brushing... Getting dressed/ready for bed... Picking up her clothes... Even eating her fruit at school. I need a cattle prod some days. She just cannot see that she has to follow the same rules as everyone else and that the rules are the same every day!

I would take her to school in her PJs. She will only do it once and it will make your life a lot easier. If any children do that at ds's school it is a trip to the head teacher and a suitable admonishment.

Ds is very very stubborn but interestingly we no longer have a problem getting him dressed for school since one of his classmates did arrive at school in his PJs and was sent to see the head!

If she does the same at the weekend then I would just withdraw any treats or activities. I find it easier at the weekend to deal with this stuff as I have more time than on a school day.

i don't htink kids like being backed into a corner with a grumpy adult hanging over them.

How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen is a brilliant book for this sort of thing

She does the same for my husband and teacher at school i.e she wont get dressed after PE.
She is a stubborn child and i dont think its labelling its just describing what she's like. Other times she is a great child, great big sister, very cleaver and friendly. Its like she wants to control everything and will do everything to get her own way. She is very confident. Maybe that's a problem? She's over confident? I dont know. Always thought its great that she was.
Its not just getting ready and its not just things i want her to do. Its anything, even nice, excting stuff like parties, going to a playground, dancing that she loves etc etc.
I did try talking nicely, talking to her when we do things together), rewards (that only works for a couple of days then she stops caring).

Rewards only work for so long with my dd too evita.
Last night she shouted for somebody to come and help her out of the bath (she doesn't need help!) but told her I couldn't because I had dd2 asleep on my knee. She shouted and shouted on and off for a good half an hour. Just because she wasn't getting her way.
I have to say in the end I took dd2 up to bed, walked in the bathroom and pulled the bath plug out without a word. No way was I going to give in after all that!

evita. I sympathise. I have a DD (4.7) the same. I don't think people understand unless they have to deal with this behaviour day in day out.
I find I am constantly changing the reward/punishment/routine as she quickly gets "not bothered" about the rewards or consequences. I have phoned school in the mornings before, taken her out in her knickers, been called into school etc etc. She is only in reception. School have recommended a Pcamhs(?)referal for her which we are awaiting. Obviously, some behaviour is kept constant - the naughty things like kicking etc. but otherwise it is a constant battle.
Ps, tablets from the doctor help - for you I mean!!
xx

Hi there. I've got a 5 year old. I had a brief period of nagging/shouting at her to get dressed in the morning, then decided to just dress her myself. Now no nagging or shouting and everyone's happy. Hurrah!

Just read the other responses and liked Highlander's suggestions a lot. That's obviously what I should be working towards doing. Although my method does buy me an extra hour in bed

ds1 is the most stubborn child in the world. he has been since 11 weeks old. he's 8 in two weeks.

i am marking my place on this thread, and then i'm going to amazon to shop for books

with ds1, there's no 'no'. he just doesn't do anything unless he wants to. he has a few other quirks, and we have a paed referral pending... like sunshine's dd, he's not really that fussed about consequences.

school have tried keeping him at break/ play for not finishing tasks, but even they realise it is fairly pointless. his last school resorted to the ht standing behind him to try and keep him on task.

i just leave the house in the morning and walk off with dd2 if he's not ready - he fairly quickly manages to get himself together. it's impossible to move him out in his pjs. too big and too strong, and actually it has got to the point that physical force would be daft. it's not like you can carry on doing it until they finish school...

ho hum.

madwoman - it's hard isn't it.
my dd is a small 4yr old girl, so I can still pick her up rugby ball style.
She still has tantrums nearly every day.
She has quickly out-played teacher and ht at school, hence the referal. Deep breaths everyone, stay calm.!!!!

If the problem started since she started school, then something else changed at the same time. Before she started school would you sit with her and decide together what to wear? and then help her put it on? Maybe she feels a lack of interaction with you now that she's supposed to be a big girl having started school. Im 25 years old and still play up to my DP for attention! Pathetic, but true. I don't think she's doing it to get you angry. But now she's at school she is but another child in a big class and probably craves a bit of mummy attention time. Im only putting myself in her shoes.

A friends dd did this in yr 1 and she was taken to school in pjs. Never had to do it again, but is a very stubborn girl- and has recently been diagnosed at 12 with severe OCD.

Hello again, things started to be good since the threat of going to school in her pjs. Will see how long for, fingers crossed. Thank you all.