how can I teach my sons father boundaries with our son?

[bebopallula]

I am very concerned about the kind of messages dad (ex) is giving our son, DS1. He is 6yrs and is curious about his and our bodies, unfortunately,dad (ex) doesnt have the skills to set clear boundaries in this area, his parents seperated and he spent his schooling in boarding school, so I presume this is why he has not been taught what is appropriate and what isnt. I have already had a discussion with him about setting clear boundaries when DS1 touched his penis whilst in the bath. He said it was for a couple of seconds and that it was DS1 being curious, however he didnt seem to grasp the importance of telling DS1 not to touch. After much deliberation in explaining how important it was to tell him this was personal and not to touch, he agreed. There has been another incident, where dad just laughed at innapproprate behaviour, I wasnt there, and now I'm concerned... is there a leaflet I can send to dad that explains boundaries? I feel like contacting his family so they can have a word, not sure this is good idea.... cant believe he's so clueless... I heard before that parents who been to boarding school have this problem? can you advise or help please??

I read your thread title a few times before posting and was expecting to say that he is his father so what he wants to do should be okay but having now read your post I am worried tbh.

If your ex doesn't know that he shouldn't be in a position to let his son touch his penis then I am sorry but I would have be having concerns about him having sole access.

I am not saying he is abusing your son or is planning too but he must know this isn't right.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

I'm going to take the opposite opinion I'm afraid.
I don't think it's a big deal.
Learning about people's bodies from seeing and touching our parents is healthy and appropriate.

I'm glad your son feels so secure with his dad. I think you are being over cautious.

Why do you think this behaviour is inappropriate?

If your son was regularly touching his penis then yes I think that your ex would have to put a stop to it. But he was in the bath with him and your son was simply curious as any normal child would be.

If you think there is sexual abuse then you should be concerned and contact social services and the police but if it was innocent exploration what's the problem? By not making a big deal of it your son has satisfied his curiosity and will move on.

Assuming he isn't abusing your son - do you think he is? - I think that sounds OK to me. It's better to laugh it off than to react in a dramatically negative manner. How would you like him to react?

interesting comments thanks, i dont think he is abusing him, not at all, and i'm all for being open and allowing kids to explore but i wouldnt let my son touch me between my legs as this is a private delicate area. I think it is right to say this to a child and make it clear, so that they know for future. I agree its not good either to make a big deal, but it seems he is a bit too interested in his dads body. I am the sole carer, so when our DS1 goes to stay with him they sometimes have baths together and have slept in same bed as he misses him and they want to be close. Ds1 came back after not seeing Dad for a few weeks and said he'd gone into dads bedroom in the morning, under the covers and kissed his willy and bum! i asked what was dad doing and he said he was asleep,(I thought it was a bit bizarre to want to do this, but I didnt say) I asked what happened when he woke up, he said he told him what he'd done, and dad laughed. Its a bit taboo, and maybe i'm old fashioned but I think there needs to be CLEAR Boundaries, he obviously knows his dad doesnt care or mind, which i believe gives mixed messages about what is allowed with an adult.(can be open to abuse) I want his father to tell him in a soft way that its not what he should be doing, not just laugh! DS1 wants to explore my body, but i set clear boundaries, why is it any different because dad has penis and i have vagina?!
Once, he came back wanting to touch DS2 and said dad lets me! thats when i realised I had to say something. Its a very awkward situation because i dont want to quizz DS1 but want to know, Dad still isnt being clear, I know its not a serious S.S issue, its more guidance he needs, if there was a leaflet I could send that might help raise his awareness, or maybe i should raise it with his family??

Dad is pretty clueless really about what is appropriate, when his DD from previous relationship would come to stay he would walk about naked, penis bobbing around and 14yr old DD staring at it, I said I didnt think she wanted to see it, he dismissed it but she agreed. I used to wander about with no clothes on when my son was younger as I reckon it healthy, but when he hit 14, i knocked it on the head, for his sake!

I wouldn't raise it with his family, it won't help.

Just have the conversation again with his dad, and be very clear. I am finding this hard to believe, tbh, but assuming it's true, you need to take it up with his dad.

It's difficult for children, isn't it?
They have been 'touched' all their short lives in their most intimate places by adults changing nappies, bathing, wiping bottoms etc. but they are not allowed to do it in return. Not saying they should be, but they are curious of course.

My first thought is that your DS is thrilled to be with his Dad and to see (& touch) those parts of his Dad that make him male and different from you and also the same as him and so connect him to his own maleness and to DS2's.

DS seems very open about it and if you don't fear abuse (it seems unlikely), I would not make too much of it and I think it he will soon not bother.

thank you all so much for your input, Its helpful and I think your right, i'll talk to dad again, and try to be a bit more relaxed about it as I'm sure he will grow out of it.

i think you can get your ex to understand that your son needs to learn about 'private parts' for his own protection. so that he doesn't let any stranger touch him inappropriately.

i would just make sure your ex understands this and i'm sure he will if you are firm but sensible about it.

it's great to be relaxed about our bodies but also good to teach young children what is and isn't appropriate.