it's all gone bad...

[miserablemoralvacuum]

can anyone offer any perspective from a Mum point of view?

My mum loathes me. It's never really been clear why she blames me for eveerything that is wrong in life. I don't thik she ever bonded with me. It gets me down massively every time there is a new spewing-out of loathing.

She and my father have just sent me a nice Oxfam-type Christmas gift - funding for a mothers' group in Africa, called "Mother Knows Best". The greeting on the card is "We know what you think about mothers knowing best, but maybe one day you will be forced to grow up. In the meantime we hope your son appreciates you as much as you appreciate your mother."

i.e. we think you hate your mother and we hope your son hates you.

I know it's insane, and i'd like to rise above it, but am sitting at my desk in tears instead, asking strangeers for help.

Does anyone out there actually ever admit to just never bonding with their kid? Never seeing eye to eye with the kid?

I think part of her problem is that she sees the lack of bonding as a failure on her part.

Have tried to get her to talk to professionals, but noone else in the family seems to think it is her problem. They all see me as antagonistic and unpleasant and screwed up.

Oh miserable, how awful for you, i can't personally help because, although sometimes trying, my relationship with my mother is nowhere near that bad. However, I am sure that there are people on this thread that would understand and be able to advise.

All i can say is that your parents are very obviously toxic and that you do not deserve this treatment- it is their failing as parents, not your failing as their daughter.

Sending you an un-mumsnetty (((hug)))

Sorry x post, I don't think that a lot of people of our parent's generation talk about much personal stuff- there tends to be that whole thing about not airing dirty laundry.

It is her failure on her part not to have bonded- there may be reasons for that failure (PND etc) but none of them are your fault.

I think that especially with something like this, it tends to get swept under the carpet. I think if you read the thread and back over the previous ones (in relationships, I think the first one is just entitled 'but we took you to stately homes...) you will see that you are not alone.

Good luck x

However antagonistic you my be, you don't deserve to recieve words form your parents like that.

I'm and so for you.

I have no advise really, sorry.

She sounds toxic and horrible.

It is not your fault, and you won't be able to 'fix' it. Don't look to her for approval, don't try to 'win' her over, dramatically limit your exposure to her, get on with your life and ignore/rise above.

Easier said than done.

You may wish to join the Stately Homes thread - there are lots of us with those sorts of parents, so you'll find support, sympathy, advice and coping mechanisms.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=relationships&threadid=758486-Our-6th-visit-to-the-Stately-Home&pagingO ff=1#17816315

Ah, I see Fairylights has already directed you to the thread.

The people who post there can also recommend books that will help you understand why your Mum behaves in this way and what you can do to deal with the situation.

I know it is very painful, and never more so than this time of year.

hmm.

Many thanks for the replies. I do sort of think I should rise above it all. and then wonder why I can't.

I'll get onto the stately homes thread.

thanks.

Of course it's hard to rise above it, you need a huge amount of help and support to even begin to. Parents are supposed to love you unconditionally. Yours have let you down.