ds 3.5 so rude to me - how should I handle

[giveitago]

Heartbreaking - the most cute smiley kid has turned sullen, very spoilt and very rude to me, and when in a bad mood, rude to other adults.

Know he's growing up

Not doing this at nursery but certainly picking things up - throws tantrums, won't move (had to handle him outside) rude, won't talk to me, throw things across the room. I've been very relaxed to date (seething inside obviously), and praised when he does good things but he is becoming very demanding of me and dh and generally rude.

Tips on how to handle?

Some of this is that he's getting a bit spoilt and his attitude is very much what areyou going to buy me today (dad) where are you taking me today (mum).

He does know right from wrong. Is this just a phase or should I be worried?

Being challenging is definitely normal for boys this age, but how you handle it will determine how he develops. He doesn't sound very happy - has something happened recently to upset him? Maybe it's just hormones - testosterone surges at this age for boys and it needs to be channeled, especially into physical activity. Make sure he uses his body as much as possible every day. You should also to have a chat next time he upsets you and explain that his behaviour upsets mummy and daddy and that it's not OK to be so grumpy. Model the behaviour you'd like to see - i.e. when he whines, repeat it back to him so he hears how annoying it sounds, then tell him how you'd like him to address you (I.e. if you want something, say 'please may I have' not 'gimme' etc. (we're doing a lot of this at the moment...sigh).

When he has a tantrum, be kind and loving but don't give in to his demands, and tell him to 'stop' in a calm way. Try leaving him to it for a bit - it might stop without an audience. If he won't move, sit down next to him and explain in a resigned voice all the things that now won't happen because you'll be late (focus on the fun things he'll be missing out on). If he sees that you're not that bothered, but that he's going to miss out on something good, it might get him moving.

It's great that you are managing not to be angry, but I think it's definitely key to be firm. We use time out when he repeatedly doesn't listen or is totally out of order (throwing, shouting, spitting, sticking tongue out ) - he gets a warning and an explanation of why what he's doing is unacceptable, and if he does it again he goes on the bottom step, where I can see him, for 4 minutes (one for each year). If he refuses to sit still, I sit there with him on my lap, not talking. If he runs away, we start again. Afterwards we talk about what happened and why he got time out, get an apology then have a cuddle and move on. It works for us but it is really hard work at the beginning.

Otherwise I'd focus on stimulating him at home as much as possible by doing things with him - maybe he is a bit bored/frustrated? Doing fun and positive things together might help channel his energy better - they have a lot of that at this age and it only increases...

I found Steve Biddulph's Raising Boys quite useful in general and Christopher Green's Toddler Taming has also been highly recommended (I've got the one he wrote for 5-12 year olds and think it's quite sensible and wise). SOrry for the mammoth post btw - hope it's useful!

He is just testing boundaries and seeing how far he can push you....it is tiring and awful, though, isn't it?

My DS went through a phase at about the same age. I would say, "Come on, DS, off to the shops" and he would lie down in front of the door kicking and screaming and refuse to go. But I HAD to go shopping for food, and dragged him out, and again he would be stroppy in the shop and refuse to say hello to people etc.

Like you, I would be furious inside, but really tried to remain calm and jolly with many an "Off we go".

You just need to keep going with the praise and ignoring the tantrums. He also needs to learn to get "bored" and be able to deal with time when he doesn't always have your attention. Easier said than done, I know, but it DOES get easier....

Make sure you give him lots of hugs too.

It did get better...but my DS seems to have been a teenager from about the age of 3 (he is 10 now and actually very nice!)

Ow - glad it's not just us. He has these strops pretty much 5 times a day - tedious.

Can't pin down the causes but I think it might be a combination of testosterone (he starts jerking around going red in the face and then starts jumping around hysterically- um nice!) - I've also started him at state nurery and it's afternoons - he's struggling now he doesn't have a nap so I have only been doing things at home with him in the mornings so far. Lots at the weekends.

I also think we've also spoilt him a bit and we need to resolve this sooner rather than later!!!!!

Thing is I wonder if there's something making him unhappy - I gently try to get him to talk but he won't really won't will just change subject. I need to work on that as he starts school next sept and we need to know a bit more what's going on.

Looks like I'm doing kind of the right things -

many thanks.