ds 10 months prefers everyone else

[MissHairspray]

DS is 10 months and while I feel I love him more than I ever thought possible, he is pretty indifferent to me. He obviously prefers dh (cries when I take him off him), but I could cope with this if it wasn't for the fact he is the same with MIL, and that really hurts. I don't think it is separation anxiety, more that they play the games he likes and are generally more 'fun', but part of me feels like I just don't matter to him at all. DH was unemployed for most of my maternity leave so we shared all of the childcare (I know, I shouldn't complain), but I do feel like I didn't have the chance to be a 'proper' mum before I went back to work. Also, because I had problems with breastfeeding it never really got off the ground and I felt like anyone could bottlefeed him and I wasn't really necessary.

I recently went back to work for most of the week and DH is full time, so MIL looks after ds most of the week now. I know this makes me sound like I'm being really needy and I do know that the most important thing is that ds is thriving and happy, but deep down I just worry that he hasn't attached to me properly, that i've done something wrong and that he could do perfectly OK whether I'm here or not. I'm not generally depressed but this makes me sad whenever I think about it.

Sorry for such a long, probably incoherent post but I needed to get it out! Thanks

Don't worry about it and don't take it personally. He's 10 months old - he's only a baby, so he's not being malicious.

If this is becoming an issue for you, you're probably stressed and tense when interacting with him and he'll pick up on it. Watch how your DH & MIL interact with him, I expect they're very relaxed.

Just make the most of this time. Out of the blue, he'll decide you're the only one good enough for him and you'll have to do everything all the time!

Please don't worry,this is a normal phase.

Despite being the carer,chef,dresser,toileter,nurse,teacher and entertainer to your dc as soon as a new face appears then your dc mysteriously seems to prefer the usuallly absent Other Person.

I remember being rather miffed when ds did this,and blow me when dd went through a similar phase

It is pretty galling,I agree.

A bit like when you have had a nightmare tantrum squealing day and they have been a little bugger then daddy comes home and they are all smiles!

I'm so sorry this is making you sad. It does seem as if you don't feel very confident about being a mum to your little ds (apologies if that's not the case). If you haven't had much to do with babies previously, it can be daunting at times knowing how to be.

I'm not sure if you feel you are being squeezed out by mil and dh as they appear to have taken over somewhat, or, at the very least are not being sensitive to your feelings?

From your post it looks like there is at least one day a week when you have ds to yourself? Would this be an opportunity to have some special times with him without competition or feeling self conscious or under pressure? Don't bother too much with housework etc on that day, but concentrate on bonding with your son.

Babies love to laugh and find simple things very amusing eg dropping an oven glove as if by accident in a dramatic way or putting said og on your head or on teddy's head and letting it slowly slide off. Just be a bit of a clown. They often like you to sing dance around with them or build brick towers for them to knock over. You can do these kind of things over and over again. Babies are unsophisticted creatures! Forgive me if you know all this!

Also, perhaps you could take him out somewhere he would enjoy..a park perhaps to watch other children and feed ducks or some such.
He will come to associate you with these happy times and you can build on them.

You are his only mum. He hasn't got another. You are very, very special. Relax as much as you can and have confidence in your love for him. He will respond.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and helpful advice. Yes you are right, I don't feel that confident and do feel a bit useless sometimes but that is gradually improving.
Had a great moment tonight when ds took his first steps...towards me! You really do get the highs and the lows as a parent don't you!
I've got a couple of days off this week just ds and me so looking foward to spending some us time.
Thanks again

[smile smile smile]

A few years ago I was talking to a GP who said he treated mothers and babies up to age 2 as if they were one person. Your ds may not even realise yet that you aren't the same person. Now that sounds a bit weird. He knows that you will always be there, you are so much him that he can't imagine a time when he wouldn't be part of you. Sorry may not be explaining this well.

Basically he loves being with your DH and MIL and needs to explain that but, because he is part of you, he doesn't need to explain his need for you because without you he is nothing?

Or is that too wierd?

My dd delights in telling me "I love nanny best" (nanny comes to see her every few weeks at best). I'm just not sure that she could imagine life without me, nanny is the icing on the cake that she can taste and see. I'm just the cake that holds it in place.

aw i really feel for you i had this with my ds when he was little younger than yours, its is a horrible and lonely phase and although it is just a phase i am haunted by those feeling every now and then, but i try and tell myself that he wants daddy now but lunch time he'll want me, so really concentrate on those good memories. i had troubles with the birth cs and then again with feeding just felt i didnt do my bit as a mother or a woman. talked to my dh about it and we decided that it wouldnt do any harm for ds to see us have a cuddle and kiss, very shortly after that ds realised daddy loves mummy and wanted to join in. x

cakefaced and textfan - that is interesting and does sort of make sense

Pinchmeimustbedreaming - I'm not glad that you also felt the same way but it makes me feel more normal when know that others have experienced similar emotions and I like your 'solution'

hope you start to feel better soon, its a really lonely time but chat to the grandparents and your dh about it so they can support you. my mil knew how i felt but loved and encouraged every time my ds showed more affection to her. in fact all my in-laws treated me as if it was my problem and would take ds away from me, treating me like i couldnt cope, but do you know what, i am a good mum who just had bonding problems, dont let anyone in who will is anything less than supportive to you, x