Post natal depression or just plain fed-up?

[ames]

As some of you might know from my recent threads I have dd -16months and ds - 8weeks. I'm having loads of problems feeding ds who is a very fussy baby (dd was also and is now a very fussy toddler)

Basically for the last few days I have spent most of the day in tears. My dh drives and works from lunchtime till around midnight 6 days a week. I get nothing done in he morning and spend the rest of the day chasing my tail.

DD has 2 sleeps per day and is in bed by about 6 which is good but I find this very restricting. If I do go out and she has one nap she is grumpy and difficult.

I feel that although I managed quite well with just dd, I am failing miserably at having two. There seem to be just enough hours in the day to meet each of there basic needs but I never seem to manage to do any more and I do nothing that I really enjoy either on my own or with dd & ds.

There is nothing to do locally (apart from a shop) I do have a car but find the logistics of doing anything with two litle ones almost too difficult to manage.

Lastly my mum has hinted that she feels dd is being deprived of time on her own with me ( I do try to divide my attention equally) but has not actually offered to do anything. She is the only person I really visit as friends are not in the same situation and their houses are death traps for dd, neither do they drive so therefore cannot come to me.

This is coming accross all jumbled but I hope you get the jist and can offer some advice

ames, you sound like you are being a little hard on yourself. it is difficult enough dealing with a two children when the small one is a baby, but you also have a very small gap between them so are really dealing with two babies. you certainly aren't failing miserably at them!
when you say you get nothing done in the morning and spend the rest of the day chasing your tail - maybe you are expecting yourself to achieve to much in the afternoon? face it, it is impossible to keep the house as clean, do laundry as efficiently, cook as many nice meals, make the beds as often etc etc when you are struggling with breastfeeding one child and trying to entertain the other. if you just let your standards drop a little, you may realise that you are actually coping fine.
similarly re getting out and about and doing things - don't expect that you will be able to do quite as much as before, at least for the first few months. if you plan some sort of an outing every other day or so, even if it is only to put them in a car and take them to the park for dd1 to work off some energy, isn't that enough? or maybe use your mum a bit more - say "you are right, I'd like to spend a bit of time with dd1 - feed dd2, dump her on your mum, and go to the park with dd1 alone for an hour or two.

I know how exhausting, mentally and physically, it is to be struggling with breastfeeding when it isn't going according to plan, and I also know how easy it is to think you are doing a bad job - "I should be able to manage this, everyone else does" - but actually masses of people DON'T find it easy and if you just lower your own, too high expectations of yourself (and take up all offers of help possible) it can take some of the pressure off.

best of luck, I think you are doing really well.

ames where does one start. The best piece of advice I can give you is to talk to someone. Have you spoken to you HV? If you do be honest say exactly what you are feeling.

What makes you think you have PND you did not mention any symptoms only how exhausting having two children is. Especially when they are so young.

As for going to the shop LOL I can relate to that quite often now I don't bother its just too much effort.

8 wks is early days. But they do say the earlier they catch PND the quicker you recover. Mind you I am still waiting!

Jumble on and tell me how you are feeling.

Ames, I know exactly what you mean. Having two children is a total shock to the system, Ds is now 5 months and we are now settled but in the beginning it was really hard. I resorted to putting him on a bottle (fussy feeder) & sending DD (2.5yrs)to the childminder a couple of days a week, that space gives me a little time to slow down and relax a little. I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. The house is still totally untidy but at least I wash up and occasionally push the hoover about as well as have quality time with DS. I also found the more relaxed about things I am the more relaxed the kids are.
Normal shopping is hard, I've taken them both to town once, but I can stick them both in the trolley at the supermarket.(All our clothes are from Tesco or ASDA now).
Could you ask your Mum to mind one or both the children? Even if it for just half a day so that you get some time to yourself.
It does get easier and you have to put yourself first sometimes. It can benefit everyone.
Take Care

am feeling better today. Went and bought dd playdough and crayons (will probably live to regret it) but its something i can play with dd with. Also managed the full weeks shopping at ASDA,only struggled to get dd & ds to the trolley from the car and a very nice chap offered to help when dd refused to hold by hand so none of us were run over. Even bought new clothes for ME! (jogging bottoms and t-shirt!) but still I'd look stupid playing with the aforemenitioned playdough dressed up to the nines!

I think I have been a bit hard on myself and also waiting for people to offer rather than asking for their help. Even dh managed to hoover (just the downstairs though!) if only to drown out me crying! Bless him!

Ames - glad you're feeling a bit better. I empathise TOTALLY on this one - think I felt the same just after DS2 was born.... you just don't think you will ever be able to do anything again, but believe me you will! DS2 is now 10 months and I actually sat down with a cup of tea and marvelled while they entertained each otehr for 15 mins - lots of giggles and laughs, which made me smile - SO HANG ON IN THERE - there IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
One of the best pieces of advice I was given in terms of keeping No.1 from feeling neglected was to involve them wherever possible:

• get them to snuggle up close on the sofa while you're feeding and watch TV/ read a book together.
• ask them to help you by getting things for you to help with the baby - DS1 was 2yrs & 8 months when DS2 arrived, and I was always asking him to fetch a nappy/ a muslin/ the remote control/ a baby toy etc and then praising him highly when he did... Playdoh & crayons sounds good - hopefully your little one will be happy to sit alongside in a bouncy chair and watch you for a while! Let us know how you get on! Lots of Hugs, Mo2

Ames, agree with everything everybody has said, as far as your mum hinting dd is being deprived my dh said this to me (only the once though I can asure you!) The quality time your dd gets is now different because in addition to you she has got her brother, eg when you are feeding she could hold his hand and you could read to her, my dd used to get a dolly and feed her.
8 weeks is so early, look after yourself and blow the house, it doesn't matter if you live on pasta and chippy things for a few weeks (lots of fruit though - 5 a-day warning ), and live in a tip Once you are settled into a routine things will look up.
And what about shopping on the internet? I wouldn't dream of shopping with my two even now. Tesco's are so good and although it takes a while to find everything to begin with if you have a clubcard they save your lists so after a while you scan down your normal shopping so it takes 10 minutes, AND if you order before 10 they can deliver same day, AND if you are having a crap night you can do it at 2 am.
Then instead of dragging yourself around the supermarket you can go to the park and let dd run off a bit of energy.

Ames, can totally relate to what you are saying. I have a 3yr old, and a 10 wks old, I have forgotten what a night's sleep is, and again the thought of going places can bring me out in a cold sweat. I would say however, please, please, please, talk to either you hv or doctor, my bf whohad her dd at the same time as my eldest (same day) struggled from the begining and now 3 yrs later is no better, and is suffering from depression.

I do think that if things are nipped in the bud early, then it helps ( but I'm no medical expert)

but back to your situation. You obviously have a computer so how about getting shopping delivered? even Asda has home shopping.

Most supermarkets have creches so you put put your eldest in there, and make it out ot be a special treat, because they are soo big etc etc.

Babies sleep, so try to make that your time with the eldest. I remember watching a Nanny prgog once and she said to put baby in cot to sleep, and ignore for a period every day to concentrate on eldest.

I'm sorry to go on and on, but I hate to think of anyone suffering. Just think of when they are both at school, you will be pining for this time again!