Is it my fault my DS screams so much?

[Undercovamutha]

Ever since my DS was born (8 months ago) he has been subjected to lots and lots of shouting (between DD - 3.5y - and me/DH). Try as I might, I just get so riled by DD. She knows exactly what buttons to press, and goes through phases of ignoring everything she is (repeatedly) told, and having huge tantrums. I know this is typical toddler/pre-school behaviour, but after hours of trying to keep calm and trying all the usual tricks, I do just end up shouting. What makes it even worse is that DD has been VERY heavy handed with DS since he was born, and has no qualms about squashing him hard with a 'hug', pushing him, etc etc. So sometimes the only way I can get her to leave him alone is to shout at her/pull her off him.

For quite a while now DS has been screaming a high pitched scream as his main form of communication. It drives DH insane, and it is very piercing. I am now beginning to wonder whether all the screaming from DD and shouting from me has made DS think that that is how you communicate. What do you think?

Stop shouting

I know where you are coming from and i have days where i shout at dd1 (i'm having one of those days today) but i think you need to find other ways of getting your dd's attention. Maybe by just removing her from the room/situation or by walking away/ignoring her.

It might not be your shouting that is making your ds screech, some baby's do screech as an early form of communication.

No idea sorry, but I do know that a couple of friends that have boys found that they communicated with a high pitched scream for a bit. He'll soon find another sound to use.

As for DD, perhaps you could try counting to 10 before you respond to her, you will usually then be calmer, or just walk away (nip to the loo) for a minute's peace to get your head together before you go back. With her ignoring you, you could try simply saying things once normally, then again to remind her and then a third time but telling her that this is the last time and then she will miss out. For instance, if you want her to get her coat on to go to the park, and she continues to ignore her, you then abandon the park. If she asks why, just tell her it's because she wouldn't put her coat on and it's too late now.

Marne - I know. I need to try harder to remain calm. Its sooooo hard though. I dream of being one of those earth mother types, but unfortumately I am more fish-wife like! Sometimes, like today, I go all day feeling calm and serene, despite the tantrums, and then it gets to about 4.30 and it all goes pear-shaped!
FernieB - I know where you are coming from. However, quite often the tantrums come at teatime (she has eaten nothing tonight due to an epic meltdown!), or on the way to or back from nursery school, so it is difficult to cancel the activity!
I love her to bits but she is so stubborn. No amount of persuasion bribery gets you anywhere. Sigh! Its like living in a war-zone for poor DS!

When she has a tantrum, she is probably looking for a reaction from you and as it takes 2 people to argue, if you don't respond, there can be no argument. She can carry on screaming if she likes, but you don't have to pay her any attention. Just state firmly, "that is whining/shouting, and I don't pay any attention to people who speak like that" and then ignore her. If she continues, repeat the statement and then ignore her again. If she eats nothing then she goes hungry. She'll soon learn.

My PFB ds went through a stage of doing a hideous high pitched scream at about the same age - was definitely nothing to do with living in a war zone as it was just him, me and dh and life was relatively calm. Maybe it is just a developmental stage thing?

He is now 3.4, also very stubborn and I remember the days when all I had to worry about was a high pitched scream with fond nostalgia

I find counting works very well to get my ds (3.5) to do things like putting on shoes. I will ask him twice and if he doesn't listen I usually just have to say 'do I have to start counting' and he'll rush to do it. If he doesn't do it by the count 3 he gets sent to his room and he hates that.

I also worried about the effect ds's screaming would have on dd, but she hasn't become a screecher so maybe your ds would just have been like that anyway.