Teenagerdoom why does it have to be like this .. :-( might be a bit long

[AliceInWonderland]

Seriously fed up with ds1, who now at the lovelly 15 year old age and kevined right up. Up until about 18 months ago he was qite nice company, a bit slack on the old school work front but got on with it in the end, but over the last 18 months he just doesn't seem to care anymore. What was once a bright and articulate boy, is now an underachiever at school and grunting being the only form of communication. He blamed me for keeping on at him to do his school work, so we came up with a compromise, I didn't hassle him if the school didn't hassle me. The grand result is school are really worried, he has basically failed his mocks, I never got the results, as he said that they didn't send them out (a rough translation from the grunting) he isn't doing any work, teachers are ringing me and are worried as they are more than likely going to have disapply him from a good majority of his GCSE's, and when I bring it up with him its all my fault...

I can't win, I agree to not hassle unless I'm hassled, and then he tells me he'll do what he wants etc .. etc .. As much as I love him and I do, I just feel devastated that he is so ambivalent towards life, he just doesn't want to do anything ... apart from skate that is! He lies to me constantly, to the point that I can't believe anything he tells me, he steals from me if I leave loose money around, he goes through my stuff, he used to have his own room (the loft conversion, really nice it was too) but he completely trashed it, using it as a construction site for skateboards, oil everywhere, laminate flooring cut up and gouged out, so after many attempts to reason with him I gave up, I have friends who are between homes now and now have the loft, ds1 has to share with ds2.

Am I wrong to not want to be lied too? Am I wrong to worry that he isn't doing anything at school? Why am I the enemy?

no your not wrong but hes acting like a teenager unfortunatly thats what most of them do.

I know what you mean, and I do accept it, but just don't know what to do about it. He has left the house today, after telling me that I can't ground him its up to him what he wants to do, and his parting shot was, well if I run away atleast I'll go into care ... ok fair enough! AGGGhhh, what do I do if and when he comes back, part of me feels like well if your gonna go off, well off you go then, and then theres the mum in me that doesn't want that to happen, and I worry about what will happen if he just doesn't come home, do I let it ride?

Sounds like he needs a short sharp shock. No idea how you'd do that, though.

D'you know, GCSE's are soo done at the wrong time of a persons life aren't they?

Just when you're at your height of kevindom and busy being sooo call by ignoring your parents and hanging with your friends, you then have to take the most important GCSE's of your life!

I'm sure if i'd have taken mine at 18 yrs i would have passed more of them!

Sorry that was me just thinking out loud.

You're not wrong to not want to be lied too or to worry about his school. Unfortunately many teenagers do see their parents as the enemy at this stage, then magically once they have matured out of teenagehood, the relationship is strengthened again.
I don't know what advice to give you, but just remind yourself its not you, you're not at fault and these scenarios are common practice in many families!

social services wouldn't take my son away when i asked them to. but if you think about this it goes another way too. it means uless i start burning him with cigarettes - then basically parent control rules.

tell him to go to care if he wants to - ask him what life he thinks he will have - i asked my 15 year old this.

you ground him or lock him out. i have. my lad slept in the shed.

i shit you not..........their mates will only put up with somuch scrounging.

he must face up to the fact that to live in the world takes money.
a rooof takes oney
the food he eats takes money
his room cost money
his games, clothes, shoes, uniform, books, HIS SKATING GEAR all costs money.

he does need a shock. sounds like your son is taking the piss big time - bout time mummy told him what lreal life it becuase he is gonna be out on his arse in about 8 or 9 months time in the big world where when he has no qualifications he has to stack shelves and he cant go round saying - I DON'T HAVE TO becuase actually he does - to eat

a good talk is in order - where you mention him being grounded or locked out. and where you tell him that quite frankly - you have another chld to think about - the world doesnt revolve round his skinny no good arse and if he doesn't like it then get someone else to pay for his food light clothes transport skate gear ps1 ps2 trainers bag hair products deoderant, hot water, heating, bed bed linen.

while your at it take this opportunity to tell him he is either in full time education or work come next summer. full time work - you want a third of his wages. so if he cant be arsed studying and doesn't want to pay you then you suggest to him to look at flat rentals and see where else he can get somewhere to live all in for 35 quid a week.

then tell him to grow up - becuase the rest of the world will in about 8 months.

You can always rely on Custardo to tell it how it is. God I wish you'd move in here, Custy, and sock it to my DD. That's give her a shock

Custy bless, I need you right now mate! Why can't I think so straight?

how is it going with yours custardo?

i really really dread the day that ds is a teen as i was awful

Aaah, custardo, I wish you were the mum of some of my students, they all need a tought talking to.

OK Alice, this is what you do. Get a strong box and a strong padlock. Confiscate EVERYTHING your son owns, clothes, skateboards, bank cards, mobile phone MP3 palyer etc (after all you paid for it). If possible do this while he is asleep, leaving him only one pair of clean underpants. Then give him the talking to a la custardo. He's not going to be able to stomp out wearing nothing but his most embarrasingly day glo green pair of scabby old too small knickers after all.

Then allow him only the most basic of gear needed to attend school. Don't give him any money for food, a sandwich in brown paper was good enough for us, it should be good enough for him. Then allow his items back to him slowly for compliant behaviour only. Make sure you don't give back his more valued items till he has paid for the damage to the loft. If he starts to play up again, just sneak in while he is asleep andconfiscate again.

A friend of mine did this to her stroppy teenager and now he is a model citizen, and a tad scared of what she is capable of if he crosses her.

aww ta fer askin sophable, mine great at the mo - i went through a peak of desperation and now i learn to live with it. the months go by like this......
son get stoned
grounded for a month
mid month he doesn't come home after school one day becuase he is p*ssed off with being grounded and comes home at 7pm
he gets another week added
the 5 or 6 week grounding ends then he goes out with his mates
he then gets stoned the very first night he goes out
he then gets grounded for a month

i just accept it the way i have to accept spellchecking internal e-mail or face diciplinary. its plain crazy but its the way it is.

by jove work will knock it out of him