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Original poster

How to deal with Grandparent favouritism

18 replies

Clare123 · 29/11/2009 21:38

I just don't know how to deal with this situation anymore. I am so livid. My inlaws make it clear that they prefer spending time with the other set of grandchildren. They live a long way away, but we live near the other set of grandchildren. They will pop in on us (spend 10 mins), but literally spend 4 days with the other grandchildren. I am so hurt and upset by there actions, that I can hardly speak to them. What would you do?!

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Ivykaty44 · 29/11/2009 21:42

Nothing, don't let your dc know and don't actually do anything

come on here and vent in secret. It may well hurt your own dc if they knwo that the cousins are favourite.

Maybe from the inside that is how it seems, perhpas there is something the gp are not saying or doing ??

Narketta · 29/11/2009 21:50

When you say they pop in and see you for 10 minutes, Do you invite them to come round or do they just call unannounced?

The only reason I ask is maybe they only stay for 10 mins is because they don't want you to feel that they are overstaying their welcome.

If its upsetting you maybe invite them round for tea or organise a morning or afternoon out with them.

I know its difficult to talk to the inlaws sometimes, I've been there.

Hope you get things sorted.

Original poster

Clare123 · 29/11/2009 21:56

We spend the whole weekend waiting for their visit and don't plan much so that we can be there. My MIL knows how much the grandchildren want to see her, she just is not that interested in them.

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GrumpyYoungFogey · 29/11/2009 21:56

Perhaps it is really their son they cannot stand, and that is the reason they only stay for 10 minutes?

Why not ask if they'd like to have the kids for a week in the school holidays?

Ivykaty44 · 29/11/2009 22:07

Do you invite her for dinner or supper or for afternoon coffee etc?

ln1981 · 30/11/2009 10:30

i think that you need to have a chat with them, but tread carefully as you dont want them to retreat further. If the children havent noticed it yet, they may well do once they get a bit older and thats not a good thing. my MIL treats my dd and ds1 differently and she has started to noticed (she is 4). it breaks my heart but whenever we try to talk to her about it, she goes of in a huff.
Its a hard thing to bring up without it seeming like your attacking them. Good luck!

wannaBe · 30/11/2009 10:38

are you sure it's the grandchildren that are favoured and not the child?

Flyonthewindscreen · 30/11/2009 12:05

Yes, is it that your ILs are closer to your SIL/BIL and feel comfortable with spending more time with them? (Not that I'm excusing them for the way they are treating your DC).
What would happen if you and your DH invited your PILs to spend a big chunk of their visit with you - i.e. ask them explicitly over for the day and tell them your DC miss spending time.

If a direct approach makes no difference I think you will have to do as other posters have suggested and leave them to it and try not to draw your DCs attention to their visits. Certainly don't set aside whole weekends for them just so they can pop in for 10 minutes!

NanaNina · 30/11/2009 13:20

I was wondering if the other grandchildren are their daughter's children and they just maybe feel far more comfortable with her than they do with you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but there is clearly more to this than meets the eye. What does your H think about this - can he not talk to his parents.

FifiForgot · 30/11/2009 15:36

I know how you feel. My MiL quite clearly favours SiL's son over SiL's daughter and mine, so my niece is involved by default. I find this hard to deal with as my mother takes great pains to treat her 3 GC's exactly the same. I understand the MiL would feel closer to her daughter's children but the situation is slightly daft (ANYTHING DN wants he gets).

I am expecting again in January, the news was almost dismissed and MiL hasn't shown any interest in this pregnancy. I know that this will be her 4th GC, but still. In fact FiL is going into hospital for a minor op 4 days before my section so won't be able to travel down to see us for at least 2 weeks. DH says he isn't bothered, but I feel for him. The frustrating thing is that PiL have private health insurance but have chosen to use the NHS for this op.

Some of this may be my fault, I find it hard to deal with MiL (FiL is great, but can be a bit irritating), so our visits are not as frequent as they could be and I think that they find it hard to feel comfortable here although I try. But I still don't understand how one GC can be so obviously favoured over the others. DH tries to see the funny side of the situation, but I get annoyed and this makes things worse.

I don't really have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to sympathise with you.

pigleychez · 30/11/2009 15:58

Another one here completely with you, But with me its my own mum.

My neice and my DD are only 2mths apart- my neice being the eldest with her being the first grandchild.
Very frustrating always hearing about how wonderful she is etc! My DD is developing much faster than my Niece which my mum hates. When I tell her that DD has learn to count to 4 etc she gets all defensive and will turn the conversation around to my niece. Poor DD never gets a well done or any praise from Nanny

Any of my parenting choices have been scoffed at as they arent what my sister did. Never mind that Im a qualified nursery teacher and have been working with kids for 10 years and a dam site more clued up that my sister!

What pisses me off even more is that my sister is the most ungrateful person and so lazy. Mum is constantly baby sitting and has my niece overnight at least 1 a week so she can have a break! A few years back my sister fell out with my mum and refused any contact with the family for 3years! I was the one sat with my parents in tears many a times. She got secretly married in that time, missed our nans funeral and caused so much heartache yet shes now the golden girl.

DD is only 16mths so hasnt really noticed it herself yet but im sure she will notice it more as she gets older. She hardly gets a look in when we visit my parents (which is an hour away)and my neice is there. Even when shes not she doesnt get much anyway

DH tells me to look at it as my sis obviously needs more help as she cant cope etc and we are obviously fine and doing a good job. - He actually has it right on the head there.... Its because we arent dependant on her thats the problem!

I understand where hes coming from but still feel bad for DD.

SolosScrapingUpForXmas · 30/11/2009 16:00

I think you need to raise the subject with MIL or get your Dh to. My Db always accused my Ds of being favourite, but as my Dad said to him, it is usual for the daughters children to be 'favourite' and also, I(me)always bothered to take Ds(and/then Dd)to visit them, my Db didn't and still doesn't.

I hope you resolve this.

Undercovamutha · 30/11/2009 16:08

I do think that a lot of parents (subconsciously?) favour, or feel more at ease with, their daughter's family (as opposed to their sons). My ILs certainly spend more time with my DHs sister and her family, and a lot less with us and with DHs brother and family. I think they just feel more at home there. I can kind of understand it in a way. I think its a mother/daughter thing. However, I don't think that this should ever spill over into obvious favouring of certain grandchildren.

SolosScrapingUpForXmas · 30/11/2009 16:12

And I didn't mean to use the word 'favourite' there, My Dad said 'closer', not favourite.

pigleychez · 30/11/2009 16:20

I have heard about the bond between mother and Daughter being closer. I only have a sister so cant compare but can see the logic behind it.
My friend told me her mum said exactly the same.. she felt closer to her kids as she was her daughter but would never display any favouritism.

I however have the same problem but with my own mum so the therory doesnt really apply to me!

Original poster

Clare123 · 30/11/2009 20:18

No, it's her son's kids (there is not a daughter in their family).

I guess the difference is my BIL/SIL always ask them for things and get them really involved in everything. Always want them to take the kids whilst they go on hols. We don't - not meaning to be mean, but we are more private and don't feel we have to talk to them about decisions we have to make.

We are always asking them to things so they can spend time with the kids, but there is always an excuse - and really all she talks about it is the other nieces. Its just so sad.

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loobylu3 · 01/12/2009 10:36

My PIL do this too. They have a much closer relationship with the children of one of their sons. It does stem from them having a closer relationship with that particular son. Fortunately, we live in a different country from them (as do all the other sons too) so it is not difficult to deal with. I think some of it is a control thing with my MIL and my DH is much more independent, doesn't tell her his problems, etc and she dislikes this. I wonder if your MIL is a little similar.

ajandjjmum · 01/12/2009 10:52

Clare
Your pil may be unsure as to what part you want them to play, as they may see it that you are not including them (the fact that you are more private), and don't want to seem pushy.
It's a difficult path to find for everyone, but you could start by inviting them to tea or something next time they visit.

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