How much of a bad idea is it to take a toddler to a funeral?

[pigleychez]

Its my Uncle's funeral next friday. DH and I had planned to both go and leave DD(16mths) with the InLaws.Just found out that They however are going on holiday so thats our only other childcare as my side if the family will be at the funeral.

How much of a nightmare would it be to take her with us do you think. DH said he will run about outside with her during the ceremony.
Anyone any experience?

I'd keep her outside during the ceremony - or even, to be honest, at a park well away from it all. The funeral service is the most solemn and most stressful part and she might be too much of a distraction, even outside while mourners are waiting.

But I'd say bring her along to the cup of tea afterwards, people often find young children break the tension and lighten the mood after the ceremony is over.

Much depends on how you think your uncle's family will react, though.

About the same as taking one to a wedding I'd say (not a good idea unless there is some kind of kids' room laid on). Are you planning an overnighter? If not, can a friend have her for the day? You could combine it with a nice lunch out just the two of you to cheer yourselves up.

No to the cermony, but agree she will help at the reception after.

I took DS to his great gran's funeral when he was just under a year old. He was very good for most of the time, and fairly quiet, although I did have to retrieve him at one point as he was crawling towards the coffin.

Also took him to my cousins wedding when he was 16 months old and he was a bit more of a handful, DP had to take him for a walk outside in the graveyard.

I guess it depends on both your daughter's personality (will she sit quietly?) and your family (will they object if she makes a bit of noise?).

Incidentally I found it much easier to cope with the funeral with DS there - not much time to dwell on emotions and fighting back tears if you're trying to control a small child.

DH's cousin and (the cousin's) son were killed in a car crash when my older 2 DDs were 1 and 3. DH went to the funeral service, and I took the girls along to the reception afterwards. DD2 in particular was well-received, as she did break the tension a bit. DH's cousin's wife thanked him for bringing them along, even though she had a little weep remembering her son at the same age

As herbietea says, take her and let your DH keep her outside.

I was in a similar position to you when DS1 was 2months old. we had a funeral of a close friend where all our family & friends were attending. DS1 was still tiny so the undertakers kept his pram outside and I went in last and made a mad dash as soon as it was over. He slept through it all. Now at 26months, it would be a different kettle of fish and he would a) be a distraction to the other mourners and b) be upset himself by the atmosphere

Babies, yes, several times - ds2 age about 6 weeks to a friend's funeral - and ds1 to my grandparents aged around 1, when they were blissfully oblivious.
I didn't take ds1 to MIL's funeral when he was just 2 - thought it would be incredibly confusing for him if he realised MIL was actually in the box...he did come with me to the undertakers to say goodbye, though. MIL had a long illness and he spent many many weekends there with us, and we had time to prepare him a bit. Still wouldn't have expected him to understand what was going on at the funeral, though. Or behave appropriately.
I think the analogy with weddings is true in the sense that some families would not want a toddler who might make a noise, others definitely would. But not at all the same in terms of the complexity of what's actually going on; hopefully your dd is too young to notice.

I think it's best to ask the principal mourners and see what they say

I took 2 preschoolers to a cremation last year and it was fine

I decided not to take DD (2.8) to my granny's funeral service as I did not want her to see all the family so upset when she could not understand why. However, your DD is probably a little too young to be affected so it all depends on her tolerance for sitting relatively quietly. I can't see a problem if your DH will take her outside if needed, although it may be easier for him to just meet you with her afterwards if you are not sure.

I took 2 year old DD to my dads funeral and she was fine. She sat on DF's knee eating chocolate buttons and we also took a little sticker book thing to distract her. She was absolutely fine. Depends on the child's personality i think.

I've just been to the funeral of a close friend of my husband's and we were lucky enough to be able to leave our own toddler with my parents (she's not a great 'sitter'). I was, however, really surprised that some of the other parents had brought their toddlers. It was a long service with lots of testimonials etc and the poor kids got so bored they were shouting and screaming over everything and weren't taken out, even when one of the speakers commented that perhaps they should be... hmm...

I would say, after that, definitely not during the service - not fair on anyone concerned. Afterwards, would be fine though, much more informal with people milling round chatting.

I took DS1 to my FiL's funeral (his only grandad).

He was about 18 mo and was totally fine. I checked first with MiL and she was OK about it. One of use was going to take him outside if he cried but he was good as gold.

Can't recall what we took but would advise fave toy/simple book etc that maybe someone could sit at the back and look at with her?

But yy check with widow if poss.

I took DD to my dads funeral when she was 20 months but I did so in the full knowledge and certainty that everyone attending that mattered ( ie my mum, my siblings and my dads brothers) actively wanted all his grandchildren there.

Everyone from our extended family have always believed that church based events ( weddings and funerals and mass etc) are for families and that children are welcome and whilst they should behave within reason they are children, so babbling, crawling around etc are fine. A child having a hissy fit will just be walked outside by somone.

My dads funeral was a great comfort to all and the grandchildren were all involved, speaking from the front and taking letters, toys and cards.

So what I am saying is that a toddler will have no real notion of what is going on but the likely attitude of those attending is what would make me take my DCs or deceide I have to avoid

Thanks for the replies.

The funeral is a 2 hour drive away so not really possible to just nop to the wake afterwards.
DH is happy to occupy DD outside during the ceremony as I cant see her sitting still and quietly for long. Shes a chatty madam and comments on everything she sees so the whole congregation would get the story from her peppa pig books!

Im not worried about her understanding as I dont think she would,she will just lap up the attention!

Ill def check with my Aunty first to see if she objects as we dont really know his side of the family at all. I know he had grandkids but I dont know how old they were and if they would be attending.

I took my (nearly) two year old to my Dad's funeral, but a neighbour and good friend of my Aunt's offered to look after him during the service. Thankfully he fell asleep in the car so she just sat with him outside. I didn't want him in the service itself as I knew me and my mum and sister would be really upset and I didn't want him to be scared by that. However it might be different for a more distant relative. It was really nice to have him at the wake though, as it helped make it more of a family occasion and gave everyone a positive focus.

I would not take a very small child who might quite understandably talk, chat, whatever, to the actual funeral, I think it would be very tough on the close family if there was even a quiet disruption going on. It's not the same as a wedding - yes, it's a religious service - but this is a solemn occasion and quite different, and also very distracting for you too, when you might want to concentrate on the service etc. I think I'd go myself, if it were my uncle, and I'd ask my DH (whose uncle presumably it is not) to entertain the child for the half hour or so, would your DH really mind not being at the service itself? I would have her along to the afterwards bit (wake?) though - that is different.

My little man (then 14 months) came to my dad's funeral and it was fine. We all wanted him there to be part of things. My dad loved him so much it seemed the right thing to do. My extended family are all very child-friendly. We were in a different position in that the cremation was quite a drive away but the church where the thanksgiving service was held, was nearby. My dad was very clear in his instructions that he wanted a thanksgiving rather than a miserable service.

Sprout went out for a cuppa and a toddle with my mum in law while we went to the crem then joined us at the church for the thanksgiving. Nobody minded. He came in with the principal mourners (no coffin just a vicar and cross to follow) and danced along to the peel of bells (we joined in with him). Grandma (MIL) was on hand to take him to the kids' play area of the church when he found sitting on my knee difficult and they played reasonably quietly. He spent the wake cadging chips off people.

If your family are OK with it and there's backup for the little one if they do struggle then I'd say OK. You may want to consider your family's (and your uncle's)attitude to death/mourning and what they want to be more sombre about. We had our quiet reflective time at the crem and a toddler being there for the thanksgiving was then OK. If it's a burial maybe consider keeping the little one away from the mourners during the interrment.

There's no "right" answer but if your family are OK with it and you have support then there's no absolute reason not to.

We were also very lucky in that my dad had left clear written and verbal instructions to set the tone of the event so a dancing toddler didn't feel at all disrespectful. he was also a keen churchgoer so the vicar had met sprout and we knew he would handle it OK.

On the other hand, when my OHs uncle passed away I missed the funeral and stayed home with sprout as I think they wanted something more measured and traditional.

Sorry for rambling. Just wanted to reassure you that done well it can be fine for everyone. Just takes some planning.

I took my DS at this sort of age - we sat at the very back of the church and I fed him marmite rice cakes to keep him quiet throughout the service. He wasn't walking though so if you think your DD is likely to run about, getting your DH to take her out during the service might be a good idea.

Lots of people said to me at the wake how glad they were that I had brought him along - he made so many people smile. My friend and her siblings (was their mum's funeral) made a special point of telling me how much they appreciated him being there.

I havent read all of the posts but my dd has been to 2 funerals in her life already. She is 18mo now. The last one was a month ago and she was very well behaved.

Take books, quiet toys, snacks and dummy if appropriate.

I have also found that she is a good distraction at things like that IYSWIM. People seemed to welcome her being there and she got to meet a lot of family that she wouldnt have done normally.

Sorry for your loss.

Took my 2yo to a funeral. Much the same situation as you - long distance from home,knew no one other than those ttending the funeral local to the funeral so she had to come.

I sat at the back by the door incase I needed to make an exit with her. But she was fine with her books (not got out of the bag until the start of the service).

She even came to the burial. The whole thing went over her head. She was well behaved too bless!

Sorry for your loss.

i took my ds to a funeral he was about 15months. it was a very small funeral only about 6 of us so it wasn't too embarassing when ds started acting up and grizzling

had to take him outside in the end

I've taken my children to a few funerals/memorials. It's always been fine but in part at least that's because we go to church every Sunday and they are therefore used to being reasonably quiet and moderately still in that sort of environment. . I agree it's a real plus to have them around afterwards.

The most important thing about funerals though is for YOU to get the closure you need. It's so vital for people to feel finished with things. Therefore if it's a choice between take the child or not go at all I would always say take the child. You won't regret having to spend part of the service outside or having to take a mega bag of smarties with you but you may very well regret not being there.

Taken both mine to funerals, coincidentally at the same age, 9mths, and both were fine. I did have to take my daughter out of the ceremony at one point as she was getting noisy, but in both cases the chief mourner was absolutely fine with them being there, and they helped to lighten the mood.