Feel I am rubbish at making friends so how will the children learn?

[windthebobbin]

That's it really - just don't think I am very good at it. My confidence has gone down over the last few years and I meet people and wonder if they like me and feel anxious. Due to my husbands work we move every few years but I feel surrounded by yummy mummies who do the "hello darling, how are you?" so well and I am quite serious and up until recently quite knackered due to 2 small children and I just don't sparkle - I can't do sparkle.
I know at times I am not very nice - FIL has quite nastily said a few times how he hopes the children inherent my husband;s personality - FIL is a complete to77er at times so rich coming from him but it has got to me.

I want to have a fresh start - we will probably move again in 6 months or so and want to put into practice here a few things in the short term.

Even things like getting the sexes and no. of othere people's children I cannot do - coffee morning today (first I have been to for ages) "so how are your two" - I know her a little - turns out she has 3 children - and I say but you have 2 girls - no she has 2 boys. Would have been far easier if I had just said "how are your children" but I don't have the wit to.

I am not an unpleasant person - I don't think I come across well on first meetings at times. My mom and dad had no friends - no one ever came round - I am talking working class 1970's, father used to threathen to knock us into the middle of next week, siblings with mental illness who have never worked - complete f up the whole thing but I have got into a good place but lack social support and have no contact with family now, have one or two close friends from home and want to keep moving around but want to be more self reliant and find social chitchat less of an ordeal.

sorry but of a stream of consciousness.

Everyone has those moments when you worry about what you've said, how you've come across and whether people like you. So long as you know you try to be kind and reasonable, try not to dwell on it. Just think about smiling and making eye contact with people: they do respond to it, I think often others can seem stand-offish when in fact it's just shyness/awkwardness on their part, too.

nothing really very helpful to say except i'm like you, my parents had no friends and hated people. i have a real struggle recognising faces.

people love new people generally but it takes ages to get in with a group, get to know people and not feel nervous. desperately hard if you lack self confidence, but try to keep your nerve and stay involved in social situations and it often does work out but it can take longer than you think

I feel like you do - I had a coffee morning today and it was all such a big act on my part - smiling, nodding so so bored - met one lady I genuinely liked the conversation but apart from her it was, well just bollocks really. On the surface I would have looked like the perfect, happy "Mum" but my reality and past is sooo different to how I appear.

Join the club.

dare I mention it ....Netmums..(shhh) They have a great Meet a mum section, where I have met a couple of like minded friends. I also met a few mums that I didn't get on too well with, but I kind of expected that and it was worth it to meet the kind that I can click with.

Your children may well be fine: mine have thankfully inherited MILs personality and it is certainly an asset. (She might well have made the same bloomer as you, but would have been able to laugh it off because some people just can, v. unfair).

More to the point is that you are suffering from your shyness just now. Haven't got anything like a quick fix to suggest, but I did find it got easier when I persevered. And tried not to mind so much when I did mess up.

And that it can actually get better over the generations. My Mum is painfully shy and stresses out over people she doesn't know. I am quite a bit better, but had to work to get there. Dd is much, much better (genetic input from MIL clearly great help).

I'm not sure they will inherit the problem. My mother was a social whirlwind - I'm the opposite, it put me off to be honest. My DD seems quite social but a little in her own world and more interested in things rather than people like her mum and dad.

It is not that I am shy I can be very outgoing but will then lose all my confidence and worry too much what other people think I rely too much on feedback from others rather than having confidence in myself .

It is really hard trying to get to know new people. I feel the same quite often. I think most people worry about whether people like them x Good luck, try and stick with it xxxxx It can't be easy if you are having to move around lots xxxx
Also it is quality of friends not quantity xx

I feel like this too sometimes, I feel like I struggle to make any new friends and worry that my children will be the same (my dd is 2yrs and my ds is 4 months). My dd sees me with the friends that I do have so she hopefully picks up on the concept of making friends. She is reasonably confident and hopefully will also have some of my dh's personality who is much better at talking to people than me. She is just starting to make her own friends at nursery and toddlers and happily plays with my friends' children, so hopefully my crisis of confidence in myself isn't apparent to her.

In alot of situations where they will make friends (nursery, playgroup, school etc) I won't be with them so in some ways so it will all depend on the type of person they are. Even if i might find it hard to talk to people i always encourage my dd to play with other children and try to make her as sociable and as confident in herself as possible.

Me too. I have no friends where I live now and I am very lonely. My parents never had people round to the house and I get really stressed if we have visitors - even if it is just family. I always feel out of my league when I am with other people.

DS seems chatty and confident so far, I really hope he stays that way. I hope your move is a success for you and you can really make some good friends.

I felt like this too before becoming a mum, but actually find the coffee mornings etc. ok and think I have become more confidant about meeting people. We've moved house twice since having DD so I've had to get out there and find activities and people to do things with twice over.

I think going back is the key really. Even if you have a crap time at a playgroup / coffee morning and only talk about someone's bugaboo footmuff and where they finally ordered it from, if you go back the next time and the next you start to become a familiar face and others start to talk to you. That's certainly how I've found other mums who I get on with, but it is hard at the start, I felt quite embarrassed and convinced everyone was thinking 'oh god, not her again.' (could have been true!)

I also found a good strategy was to find the person who was new that week and talk to them. They are often really nervous and worried that the group will be cliquey, and so it's nice for them to be welcomed too, and they'll be happy to have someone to talk to.

I met a really nice mum through Netmums meet-a-mum and we do a lot together now. It's a bit weird and blind-dateish at first but again, I think if you get on at all then persevere and it might become a good friendship.

The loneliness is so hard, but as mums we automatically have so much in common it's a good base to start from. I have decided that a lot of social interaction starts with this kind of cold-blooded networking strategy stuff - you have to make the chances to meet people by doing things and being open to talking rubbish before you get to some good stuff. I hope you find someone nice to spend time with soon.