Help me, I don't love my daughter

[rubbishmother]

Please help me, I'm crying writing this. Name changer. My DD is 6 weeks old and I don't feel anything for her. I have a 20 month old DS and I just feel resentment that she is taking me away from him.

She is a difficult baby, and wants to be cuddled by me 24h a day, and "sleep" on me at night. I just want to get away from her. The exhaustion isn't helping but she just won't settle at night, and is windy and colicky. Yesterday she went in her cot for about 10 mins and spent the rest of the day in a sling. She is worse when DH tries to cuddle/sling her.

I was so looking forward to the post-birth high and rush of love I had with DS but this time all I feel is shattered. I don't feel like harming her, am BFing and caring for her the best I can - no-one would know I resent her. feeling so guilty for DS that he never has 1 on 1 time with me and I am so tired and grumpy.

There is no reason for me to feel like this, don't feel depressed or anxious, just sad that my children are not getting the best of me. Birth was fine, pregnancy rubbish but nothing terrible, everything was good until DD arrived. DH suggests putting DS with childminder so I can get some rest, but I don't want to be stuck on my own with DD all day, and would feel guilty again for DS.
Sorry for illiterate post, DD is crying in my arms. If you have any advice/ support I would be v.grateful, am feeling v.alone.

health visitor. first thing.

you're not rubbish, you're knackered.

and you do sound a touch depressed, but mostly knackered. having a toddler and a newborn is no picnic, esp with a cranky newb. so much these days is dedicated to the warm fluffy loveliness of mother and baby photoshoots that we aren't supposed to let on how bloody hard it is.

think practicalities if it helps. hand over the baby to dh for an hour (he'll cope - out of earshot is best) and either sleep or take ds for a walk (whichever you think might help).

guilt is fine, but don't overdo it. i found it near impossible to leave the house for 3 months. moving to two is a total shock, so be kind to yourself.

find a friend (or dh) and burst into tears - let it all out and don't bottle this stuff up.

and get out. take them both to any mums and tots groups you can track down.

it will be fine, honestly. give yourself some time - and stop feeling guilty.

Firstly, I am sure that in no way are you a rubbish mother! you are trying to do your best for both of your children. While you say you aren't depressed, depression can bring about different kinds of feelings, such as you feel that you aren't doing a good enough job, over critical, resentment and guilt. I really think you need to go and see your GP/HV and have a proper talk maybe there is something they can suggest to improve her colic too. Can you talk to your friends? Mum? Could family come and help out a bit with the baby so you can still spend time with your son. You aren't alone as your Husband sounds supportive but you have to stop being so negative about yourself.x

Brilliant advice from madwomanintheattic.x

I think lots and lots of mothers feel like this. The guilt that comes with number 2 is very hard. You feel bad that number 1 isn't getting the attention they were, and you feel bad that you are not doing the same for number 2 that you did for 1.

I know it is trite, but it really really does get better and you are in the utter thick of it at the moment. I think lots of poeple will come on and say PND maybe, but I think people can feel like this without it being PND.

Do you remember what 6 weeks felt like with your first baby? Well now you have a baby and a 20mth to care for you must be knackered.

I know you said she is worse with DH but here are some of the things I did when I was in the same situation as you!

In the day when it was terrible sometimes I would run a bath and get in with DD and DS. DS would usually calm down because he liked the bath and it was fun for DD to be in the bath with us both.

Making sure that when the baby did sleep in the day (even if just for 10 mins) sitting down and reading a book/building a tower etc with DD. I didn't feel so bad that she wasn't getting any attention as I knew I was doing my best to spend what time I could with her.

Just for this little time in the real newborn newborn phase, sending DD out with other people for a few hours to play, go to the shops, park etc. I know its not the same as you but really kids don't mind as long as they are getting attention from somebody!

I promise you that you probably do love the baby, lots of people don't have that googly eye falling in love feeling with the second because everything is just more practical and you hit the ground running. BUT it will grow and one day (it was about 6 mths for me) I suddenly thought OMG I love this baby so much I can't believe I didn't think I ever would.

It is hard I know DS currently screaming for a biscuit next to me so best go

Change your name, rubbishmother! How about doingmy bestbuti'mknackeredandnormal? Nah bit long!

Honestly normal, 6 weeks old is the pits generally as far as settling and lots of crying is concerned, of course you resent crying, demanding baby for taking your attention away from your all singing all dancing 20 month old who is, let's face it, much more fun! With 2 under 2 you're emotionally too drained to feel a 'rush of love.' Your love will grow, bit by bit, given time. I never got a 'rush of love' thing with my dd, and I don't know anyone who has!

BTW if I think you are doing a marvellous job given how you feel, you are amazing.

I don't have anything to add to the very good advice already given, exept that you should hang on in there, you are no doubt a great mother & the fog will clear. Try to give yourself a break and get some sleep. Best of luck.

Also do take your baby to a cranial osteopath, although it is quite normal for a newborn to want to be on their mum all day, it might be that she could be made more comfortable. I wish I had done this when my dd was tiny.

Just what the others have said. All completely normal (if bloody hard work!)Please go a bit easier on yourself, when you are so tired everything gets out of perspective and remember 'this too will pass'. Nothing lasts for ever. Please, get a friend/relative to take baby for a walk in the pram and you and DS can have the time you need together. So what if she cries? She'll be absolutely fine.
And as to feeling as if you don't love her, I get days like that now and my two are 3 & 5. It's just so demanding and exhausting being a parent and I found it really, really hard having two. But we survived and some days my love for them both is incredible. But this morning when dd2 refused to walk home from school...well, I would have happily throttled her.
Good enough is good enough in my book.

hear hear, I echo madwomans advice & reconfirm you are a great mother doing her best.

Get to the HV/GP, make them check the babe out again + get them to hear what you are saying - It is very hard to be assertive in your position - maybe take DP or friend ?

It seems tough on your first child now & I remember that phase well myself, but now that small age gap is a blessing & they have so much fun together - you have provided a fantastic 24 hour partner in crime for your son, which he will come to appreciate in a few months. He will not be remembering 'mummy didnt have much time for me when I was 20 months old for a bit' - Promise!!!

The love will come, you are lookng after/worrying everyone else, look after yourself first.

Big hugs xxx

Thankyou so much for your kind words, am blubbing again (v.sleep deprived). Feels so nice to have some support and empathy. Went to toddler group this morning which was fine, DD usually sleeps well in the sling, although my back is starting to go - aargh. Just to top things off, DS is now teething and decided not to nap today, have had to dose him up with brufen, just hope he keeps sleeping at night or i'll go mad. Have expressed so am off to bed now and DH can do a feed before bringing her up so should get a chunk of sleep - have got some earplugs . I'm sure you're right and when I get some decent regular sleep the maternal feelings will kick in.

Thanks again, you are all lovely, and this is a fab forum.

wanted also to add a very small quiet 'dummy'? one of mine was a very needy, stressed baby, and i finally caved and gave her a dummy at 7 weeks - she was bf, established and feeding fine, but i honestly thought i would go loopy if i had to listen to her cry any more. she turned out to be just a sucky kid, and was miles easier after that . neither of the other two would take a dummy, but it worked for her. used cranio with dc3, agree it might be worth trying.
hope you manange to get some rest x

I think I posted something rather similar when my dd2 was 6 weeks old. Someone very wise told me that I was at the absolute low point 6 weeks in, and they were right. Is your dd smiling yet? If not I think that will make a big difference. You'll start to melt and she will probably give her biggest smiles to your ds so he will be thrilled and your guilt will be alleviated.

I too had an immediate rush of love for dd1 and had been looking forward to the same thing again. But it was different second time around, I didn't find myself overwhelmed by my feelings for the new baby and by 6 weeks in I was definitely wondering if I had made a terrible mistake. As time went on it just got easier and easier, and 13mo dd2 is now the absolute light of my life. I can't imagine being without her, and watching her with dd1 is just the most wonderful pleasure.

Don't panic, it will feel different to first time around. Don't be hard on yourself, and remember how fast things change.

I had a crier. Apparantly babies cry more at 6 weeks than at any other time in their lives. Hang in there x

i also have a 6week old son & was feelin exactly the same.even though i didnt feel depressed just worried, tired and that i didnt love my boy, doctor diagnosed with postnatal depression...im now takin tablets 4.havent kicked in yet takes bout 2weeks, but felt better instantly after talkin 2the doctor-would reccommend!! feel better..x

oh also girls r right-once baby starts smilin it makes u feel that bit better :D xx

I really understand what you are going through. I had the same when I just had my son.
You know what really works

Get a big piece of paper and write down the last time you did not want to give her any affinity. (love)
Write the exact date, hour, minute and second, don't worry you will remember then..write down where you and her were at that time and write all the arrangements around. place, if hot or cold. etc

then write down all the details what has happened but just write YOUR actions.
while you will be doing this you will remember another previous time the same thing happened, do the same procedure with each one, until you get to the first one (when you found out you were pregnant)
it will blow. please believe

My son has 13 years old, and he is an amazing boy.. and I cannot explaing how much I love him.

My life changed completely, thanks to a friend who game me this advice. Now I know why parents have so much problems whith they kids and the kids with they parents when they do something wrong.

You will love her so much when you get rid of this charge.

i went through the same thing with my oldest two (similar age gap to yours op). it does get easier, that cloud of doubt about whether you love her not will go eventually.
dd was a very difficult baby compared to ds1 and i found it very difficult to cope with what is essentially two babies, i also had a lot of other things going on the background. for about 3months i did not want to get out of bed and spent most of the day in tears. i never told anyone and i only recently told my dp about (dd is now 4)
I cant remember when the 'fog' lifted but it did, and i love that wee girl more than life itself, im just thankful that she doesnt know how i felt about her in the early days.
please do what the other posters have said, your hv is the best person to help you. no one will judge you.
and as long as you do your best for your children every day, then they will be happy. you are a good mum, i have no doubt about that.

I did not love my son when he was born and he was my first child. I felt nothing at all for him other than a vague feeling of resentment.

It took many months for me to bond with my son but I love him more than life itself now.

Looking back on it it is difficult to say when I started to love him as it crept in gradually but one thing that helped was being told I had PND and the fact I did not love him was not my failure but just as a result of being knackered and down.

It will come - be gentle on yourself and don't be afraid to tell people if you need to.

The love for your DD is there I promise, it can just take a while for you to realise it. Just because you didn't feel the exact same way as you did when you had your ds doesn't mean that you feel nothing for your dd.
Don't be hard on yourself, look after yourself you're a wonderful mum trying to do the best for your children.