OK so, I know that shouting at dd2 2.10 that I am going to put her back in bloody nappies probably wasn't the best way of handling this.........

[MinkyBorage]

but what the hell can I do? I feel shocking and have apologised to her, poor little thing was obviously really upset.

Tonight she went behing the sofa, did a poo, and it got smeared along the back of the sofa, all over the carpet, on various wires toys etc. I handled it appallingly, we needed to do baths and leave the house quickly, bath was run so I had to wash her in the sink before putting her in the bath, and I used cold water knowing it was too cold for her at the time thinking that it served her right . God, I feel absolutely shocking about it now, but I really don't know how to handle it. I took her knickers off and gave them a rinse then put them in the bin which she questioned (peppa pig knickers which she really likes) and I told her I was putting them in the bin so the men could take them away with the rubbish, she misheard and thought that I said that the men were taking her away with the rubbish . God I feel shit!!!

She has been completely potty trained for about 2 months, longer really, but was having poo accidents until a couple of months ago. She has started having them again for the last couple of weeks. If I bribe her to sit on the potty and do a poo, she will do one, but if if not then it's in her knickers. The other day I found her washing her pooey knickers in the sink saning that she was doing it so I dodn't get cross with her, so I got cross with her

DS is now nearly 8 months old and she is absolutely lovely to him. She has started with baby talk again recently, and is going through a stage of wanting us to get in to bed with her. Also she has stopped using the toilet and moved back to the potty.
She started nursery two afternoons a week in sept, and has only just settled, but she loves it. Today is the first day she has allowed me to leave without any upset.
DH and I have been having a rough time, which is hopefully getting better.

I think the reason I am over reacting to the poo thing is that I had such a shocking time with dd1 with constipation, withholding and endless soiling incidents which lasted a year and was so so depressing. DD1 is just 4 and I have my hands full, no excuse I know!

We get three afternoons a week without dd1, and ds occasionally has a decent nap, hopefully he'll soon start to have big naps every lunchtime so we could have a couple of quality hours together.

What can I do to make my poor beautiful middle child feel better?

HELP!!!!!

Please don't give me an absolute slating for the way I handled her earlier, especially washing her leg in cold water, which I know is shockingly awful.

You feel awful already. Your poor little girl. To make her feel better: immediate term - get into bed with her for a few minutes, as she wants, it won't take her long to fall asleep. Longer term - try and remember she's only 2.10 and going through a lot and she can't control some of the things happening.

Thanks for your reply. I feel like such an ogre. I really don't lose my temper with them much at all, but the poo thing has been such a problem. I feel like an absolute bitch. I knwo I deserve a slating though.

Getting in to bed with her would be nice, I'm a bit wary of making a rod for my own back, because if she's not tired, I could literally be there hours, but I guess if it's just for this difficult time for her. Poor little mite.

Go on, get into bed with her. You'll both feel better for it. (No slating from me, you feel guilty and awful enough already.)

Tomorrow is a new day and you live and learn.

Everyone makes mistakes and you are admitting it was a bad way to handle it and you will learn from that.

Start the day fresh tomorrow, maybe take her and buy her some new peppa pants and a couple of books for her so she can take a book to read on the potty while she has a pooh, that way she might be more inclined to go and look at a book and sit still and pooh, it does take longer for them to get the poohing in potty thing, my girls both suffered constipation (dd1 from 1yr to 3yrs) and dd2 from 2.3yrs for about 6mths, it happens and I know I felt awful because I felt people were blaming me and questioning their diet etc I was doing all I could food and drink wise but it's something they still suffered with all the same. We all beat ourselves up at times.

Being a mum is the hardest job in the world and no-one gets it right every day.

Don't think about the 'rod for your own back' idea. Go and get in bed with her, give her a cuddle and tell her you love her. It doesn't matter if you're there hours if it helps you bond with her. Try not to beat yourself up about it any more, you already feel bad enough.

Chill. Was going to say shit happens but that's probably not very helpful is it

Take her to mothercare tomorrow and let her choose some new knickers.

Poo on my sofa would have spelled disaster, it's made of fabric that's already been washed twice in the washing machine because I couldn't be arsed going to the dry cleaners and now it has shrunk so much if I washed it it wouldn't fit over the sofa again. I hope this is not your problem.

oh the poor little thing. I'm not going now, because I have so much cleaning and laundry to do, I'll be up until midnight anyway, but I will get in with her tomorrow night. Funny thing is that when she's just about to fall asleep, she tells me to go away! I feel like crying thinking about how she thought I was going to put her out with the rubbish. I told her immediately that of course I wasn't and how much I love her, but it's not really enough.

Thank you.
I regretted writing all that down, but I'm glad I did now. I can look back on it as one of those times never to be repeated.

Yes do get into bed with her, it will be the best thing to make her feel secure and with transitions like nursery and arguments and poo stress that's probably what she needs most.

It doesn't mean doing it forever, she's old enough that you can start to explain later why it can't be every night. Avoiding a rod for your own back doesn't have to mean never responding to a child's needs and being flexible on some days where they need something more, or it shouldn't have to mean that anyway!

And poo is horrible, I have so much sympathy, I would lose it completely if it was over the sofa, so no slating here (but glad to see you say you'll cuddle up with her).

nothing really useful to say, but just wanted to let you know that i completely understand your frustration re the poo situation.

My dd used to literally hold her poo in until i put her down for a nap/to bed at night, then she would poo, take her nappy off and smear it all over herself, the walls, her toys and books etc. It was so bad that her walls had to be sanded down and redecorated, because she would also wake up in the night and do it, and by the time i woke up and was able to start cleaning it up, it had dried solidly to the wall and was impossible to get off!!

I remember calling my mum in tears saying "i can't cope with cleaning shit off the walls day in day out!! I'm fed up with it and can;t deal with it anymore!"

Anyway, could you not get rid of the potty so she has no option but to use the toilet? put her on the toilet at regular intervals to try and minimise accidents?

ehwhataliensyousay, yes, I know what you mean, I've really not been following my instincts by refusing to get in with her. It's what she really needs right now, and I've been rejecting her!

oh god cordonbleugh, that sounds truly awful! think that dd was trying to wipe ti off her hands rather than smearing it, or at least I hope she was.
I have a lovely friend whose dd is only pooing in knickers, and I've looked after her a couple of times, I really don't think I'll be able to cope if I have to clean up someone elses dc poo.
Oh my goodness, you poor thing. I am so over poo! THasnks for your kind words

Well poo all over the place is very hard to cope with. So you washed in cold water - well you know that was mean but if it released some of your frustration then you know it won't have hurt her, just been unpleasant. The putting her in the bin thing - she MISHEARD thats all, you don't need to beat yourself up over that!

Yes buy her some more pants, cuddle her lots, count to ten before you do anything the next time this happens, maybe consider if she would be happier wearing a nappy to do a poo? If she doesn't want one then of course it would be cruel to force it but for some children pooing in to open air is very scary and they do almost anything to avoid it. A nappy might help her be more secure for a bit? She is still very young - lost of children aren't out of nappies at all at her age so I don't think you need to worry too much about setting up habits etc. She will grow and change as they all do. What you need to do is minimise the stress for you and your household right now.

And please stop hating yourself over this. None of us are perfect, we all make cock ups of this parenting thing because it is hard, the hardest thing we will always do. That's ok though because we learn and fix things and at the bottom of it (pun geddit ) she loves yuou more than anything and you love her the same - so it's all good.

Good luck scraping carpet etc

scraped carpet, everything clean, a subtle hum around the back of the sofa, but apart from that we're undamaged. Got in to bed with her when she asked tonight, and it was lovely. She didn't want big cuddles, just me there, and she fell asleep feeling all happy, secure and unsmothered. So did I for about 10 mins!

thank you all, and a big special thank you from dd2.

glad you've had a more positive day/evening minky!

this reminds me of an incident when i was potty training my son
he was about same age, a bit younger maybe, and also was fine with weeing on the potty but i couldnt get him to poo.

one day i nipped upstairs for something (the potty was downstairs in the living room) and when i came back down he was stood in the middle of the floor, no trousers or pants on, looking REALLY sheepish...

and then i saw the trail of poo on the (CREAM !!!) carpet leading away from a big pile of it in the corner - he had poo'd, then accidently stood in it, then traipsed it halfway across the room, OMG, I just lost it, went absolutely mental at him, shouted in his face and smacked his leg.

he was absolutely devastated and absolutely cried his heart out, i felt so guilty once i had calmed down and cleaned up.

but i am pleased to say he is now 3 1/2 and has been fully trained since the beginning of the year. with no accidents other than a very occasional wee but even that hasnt happened for months. so she WILL get there.

Yes, been much better thank you.
I have no idea whether getting in to bed with her is going to turn in to a bit of a monster, dh thinks it will. At the moment, it just seems to make such good sense. She is obvously feeling stressed at the moment, and struggling to find her place in the world, and snuggling her to sleep is making her feel better. Simple. Bless her little heart. She is such a delight and such a funny and sensitive little thing. It's so lovely watching her fall asleep, and if this turns out to be one of the ways I manage to give her a little bit of quality time, then so be it, although I am conscious that it would be better if it isn't every night. I bf ds to sleep every night at the moment and am looking forward to a time when I could let someone else put them all to bed once in a blue moon while!
No poo accidents today, and she was really very pleased with herself for doing it in the potty!

Thank you all.

Not read the other replies (need to get to bed) but I'm not going to give you a slating as IMO potty training is enough to drive anyone to drink. I found it a pain with dd aged 5. (Now successfully PTed thankfully as she is at school!) but now i need to PT dd aged 2 year 9 months ( I tried over half term and had to give up when she started totally refusing to go on the potty or loo at all so all wees and poos were accidents. We all know that we are supposed to be calm and not criticise etc and I'm sure we all start off like that for the first couple of days, but really we are only human! If this was the Am I Being Unreasonable section then you would be getting a resounding YANBU from me!

Just reread my post and might have given the impression that i PTed dd1 at the age of 5. I didn't, she was 2 for wees and 3 for poos. Wees were ok, but she made me jump through hoops getting her to poo on the potty or loo!