I would love some advice/tips please for arrival of 2nd child

[pattymc]

Hi I am 4 weeks off due date and really panicking about how I am going to cope with 2 - everyone says going from 1-2 is really difficult which I can fully appreciate seeing as my 27 month old DS is a real handful. I'm feeling pretty low about it which is so sad as I am excited too but just can't help thinking how difficult it will be and how it will affect my relationship with DP - has anyone got any advice I would really appreciate it - even practical stuff - I haven't got anything prepared apart from the basics left over from number 1. Sorry to sound so negative, I know I am so lucky to be having another and really I can't wait - but at same time I'm scared and feel like I am turning in circles but not getting anything ready.

Hi pattymc,
I felt exactly the same when I went from one to two.
Firstly, I became obsessed with trying to do everything the same for DS2 as I had for DS1. This is impossible! It is just not the same as you simply won't have the time. Try to get your head round this as soon as you can and you'll save yourself a lot of heartache!

I set up the travel cot in the lounge so that I had somewhere safe to put baby, out of the reach of the older one. It meant that I could at least get to the toilet if I needed to.

HTH, will let you know if I think of anything else...

Forgot to say, you will be fine! It'll all fall into place in time and you and your two children will all be happy

I felt the same before dd2 arrived. I worried and worried about how to make bedtimes work, how to avoid traumatising dd1, how to avoid having such a bad sleeper second time round, etc etc etc.

And I think I spoiled the first few weeks for myself once she had arrived by worrying too much about problems that hadn't even happened yet.

Eventually I realised that I didn't need a Plan and that even if things worked out a different way every day that was OK because they would mostly work out fine. And if they didn't quite work out fine, the worst thing that would happen would be someone would cry a bit, which isn't the end of the world.

It will be OK. There is no point in worrying about how to make it work, because it just will work. I don't think a plan of action will help you because it will just stress you out when it goes wrong.

The most important thing IME is to make sure that your ds doesn't feel left out or unimportant. Big up how amazing it is that he is an older brother, and how wonderful the new baby thinks he is. And if they're both crying, go to the older one first.

If you feel guilty about your ds, try to accept that it is very normal to feel that way and it doesn't actually mean you are failing him in any way.

My dd2 is now 13mo, and the two of them adore each other. It is such a pleasure to see them together, and dd1 keeps telling me how much she loves her little sister and what fun it is to have a sister. Dd2 meanwhile thinks dd1 is the most thrilling person on the face of the earth. You are creating new relationships and new love (sounds trite but it is really true).

I think it's impossible to know how you, your dp or ds1 will react before the baby comes along. If your son is already 27 months, what have you told him about what's going to happen? He's probably old enough to get used to the idea of having to wait to get what he wants sometimes, spending more time with his dad, assuming he gets some paternity leave/will be helping out more, to get him to think about some activities he'd like to do sitting near you but not necessarily WITH you, eg drawing, sticking collages together, lego, train set etc. so you can have a chance to feed/burp everything else your new arrival.

There's a book my cousin gave me just before my ds2 was born called There's a house inside my Mummy. As it turned out, my ds1 was amazing from the start, which was a huge relief. But I'm sure there are lots of other books to help the penny to drop with older children.

My ds2 was a monster milkboy so we spent a lot of time chairbound reading to ds1, so make sure you have some great books that will endure. And the thing that surprised me most of all was that, in fact, it was usually ds1 I tended to first if there was competition as he (exactly 2 when ds2 arrived) was capable of articulating his needs and creating a truly guilt-inducing scene if he was ignored. I was much less reluctant to let ds2 cry for 5-10 minutes than I was the first time around.

And 2 last things to think about, perhaps: firstly, if your ds is still in nappies, don't be tempted to rush it. He'll see how much attention your new-born gets at nappy changes (and how often it happens as well - I'd forgotten that part) and won't be minded to lose that opportunity for himself. And secondly, if he still has an afternoon nap, I wouldn't be in any rush to get him to stop as that time will be your only quiet time in the day, even if you're just sitting feeding no2 in a chair.

So don't dread it too much as you really can't tell what it will be like. The more support you can get in the early days with things like cooking/washing/sleeping/bathing the better, and, if your ds1 is anything like mine, I'd think through how much to start telling him in advance about what life coul be like.

Hope your last few weeks of pregnancy aren't too exhausting. Very best of luck.

I agree with what all the other posters have said - the thought of dealing with 2 is actually harder than the reality (99.9% of the time !)

One bit of advice that I was given was to make sure you are not holding the baby when your toddler comes to visit you in hospital. Let them meet the baby in the cot, maybe with a present from the baby in the cot too!

and always remember that cbeebies is there to save the day (and don't feel guilty about it!)

1. Lower your standards, you have probably got on top of running your home and looking after ds by now, and of course that will all change. Your DH needs to realise that the place will be a mess sometimes, and you need to not worry about it.

2. In the first few weeks get ds off to bed etc then worry about dc2, my babies have all stayed downstairs with me until I go to bed in the early weeks.

3. Get a sling you can bf in, I loved the moby wrap which was lifechanging, and meant that I could carry on as normal to a certain extent with the others, and you're not pinned to the sofa bfing all the time. DDs thought I was still pg really when I was carrying ds around in the sling.

4. Lower your standards!

5. Pyjama bags. Get a bag for each child which you fill in the morning with pyjamas, nappy etc, everything they'll need for going to bed, so that you're all set for bath/bedtime.

6. Make certain that YOU get a shower every morning! Get up early enough to do it. I couldn't actually function without having had a shower, and it would really get on top of me throughout the day.

7. On a similar note, lipstick! Just makes me feel better!

8. Get out of the house every day, unless it's pissing it down. In the early days it really feels like a huge accomplishment and is a huge boost to have managed it.

9. Get a bath seat, this kind of thing. Very important to have hands feww as much as possible.

10. did I mention that you will need to lower your standards.

It will all be fine, and a total joy. Everyone who goes from one to two feels the same way, you will be fine!! I posted something similar on here 3 years ago and someone recommended that I hire a couple of goats and let them roam free about my house for a day or so to get a feel for what to expect, which was also very good advice, although I'm glad I didn't actually do it!

Good luck!

hands *free!

It'll be fine! My dd was about same age when dd2 arrived 8 weeks ago. Try to make space beside you when you are feeding so ds1 can cuddle at same time. My dd2 loved having special jobs to do at nappy time, she's less bothered now.
Make sure ds1 toys are easily accessible so you can give him ideas of what to play with when you're feeding.
Prepare him now for the fact that the new baby will make you tired and it won't do a lot apart from sleep and feed - a friend said her son was asking for new baby to play on first day and was very disappointed that the baby couldn't as he'd been told he'd have someone to play with!
Show ds1 photos of when he was a baby and show him that he got lots of cards and presents and the new baby will too as it's their birthday - you could even get him to make the baby a card or present and involve him in opening his new siblings presents and cards - my dd1 was very happy to open the cards and presents for dd2 and didn't wonder why she wasn't getting anything - in fact I resented the fact that dd2 got hardly any presents compared with dd1 AND people were giving dd1 "big sister" presents.
Good luck, it'll be lovely!

Oh yes, great tips from MinkyBorage. I especially agree with the bath seat and the moby wrap. The sling let me cook supper for dd1 without accompanying screams. And the bath seat meant the girls had lovely shared baths with lots of baby giggles.

thank you all so so much, I like the travel cot idea. Also the advice to try and enjoy those first few weeks rather than stress about routines and getting up early for a shower - will give it a go...
lower my standards - not easy as i love a tidyish house - don't laugh!!! but you are right, I probably need to do that anyway as spend whole time tidying - futile with kids

I was in your situation this time last yr. You've had some great advice already, I would second the sling recommedation, a nice snug stretchy wrap is great. I was back to the whole toddler social scene when DH's paternity leave finished and I found that I could tank up DD, pop her in the sling, and she would sleep for an hour or so - leaving me time to give DS some 1-1 time. I did however make full use of the time DH was off on leave tho and got plenty of rest.

Lots of reading while feeding the baby went on too...

Call in every favour you can think of in the first few weeks from family and friends to help with housework and food prep. People don't mind helping, but usually want to be told what they can practically do, not vagueness.

DS is now 3.4yrs and DD is 11 months - and although it's not always rosy (she is now crawling and getting into his toys) it is wonderful seeing their relationship grow. DD saves her loudest chuckles for DS and they are always pleased to see each other in the morning.

You will be fine. Actually tbh I thinky you have done the hardest bit, which is going from 0-1. You know what you are doing, you have done it before and done it well. Enjoy and congratulations!

Hi there the three things that helped me were-went once a week - after feeding baby and leaving her with dh - to cafe with first born- this gave us time together plus assuaged my guilt! I also carried new born in a sling - first born forgot about baby and i got to hold her cosy! lastly when first born in bed, i used to give baby a massage and feed and then go to bed early at same time as her to bank som e zzzzz S ! didnt see dh much but it did work for us ...i also lowered my expectaions and slowed the pace down..Hope you enjoy im sure you will......x

The best tip I found to facilitate my kids relationship was in Penelope Leach's 'Baby and Child'. She advises to focus on getting the older child to believe that the younger one likes them as this makes it easier for the older child to like the younger one so be indulgent etc when eventually they're into their toys etc. My dd laps up all my 'you're his favourite' and 'he loves you' and genuinely loves him back.
Oh, and sleep, sleep and sleep for the older one. A tired toddler is not a well behaved one in this house...

Agree - I was so scared when I was pregnant with DD2 (DD1 was 22 months old) but it has been alot easier than I thought it would be - the transition from none to one was far worse.

Just try to get the older one being as independant as possible - new toys., esp role play ones helped me as DD1 likes to spend time on her new toy cooker, and also does LOTS of copying me using her little dolly, pushchair etc.

Taught DD1 how to climb into her carseat by herself which helped, plus brushing her teeth (mostly by herself), getting into her pj's etc. It all helps.

Reading to her whilst bf-ing DD2 helped with the jealousy, and wearing a sling to go handsfree was/is essential for me.

DD2 is now 5 months old, and gazes adoringly at DD1 all of the time. I can't wait till they are older, I am enjoying motherhood much, much more with two than I did with one.

Good luck, you will be fine

sounds like a sling would be a good idea!
will have a look at some sling recommendation threads

Also - last few weeks of pregnancy I cracked the whip and really pushed DD1 to tidy away her toys before lunch/sleeping etc.

Just got a huge plastic tub thing and she has to throw all of her toys in there.

Am so glad I did that as toys everywhere when I am busy enough would have driven me nuts - she still needs telling though, but does do it.

She also loves having tasks to do (e.g. getting the wipes for me).

So hopefully some pre-baby 'training' of DS might help or at least make you feel better for trying.

My DS2 is just 3 weeks old and DS1 is 21 months. Don't worry too much!

1. Cleaner - Can you afford to get a cleaner if you like a tidy house? We have a cleaner that comes in once a week for 3 hours and she does some ironing and cleans the house from top to bottom. Makes life so much easier when you know someone else is coming in once a week to sort out the dirt, I can just about do everything else - look after baby and DS1, cook, tidy up after DS1 has messed about played with his toys. Everything else I leave to the cleaner...

1. Shower - I second the shower in the morning idea. Completely under-rated IMO. I didn't do this with DS1 and felt like shit horrendous all day. Once I have had a shower, I feel ready to face the day.

1. Routine - And I mean for yourself! I found that once I had an idea on how to do things, I didn't fluster that much. I.e. in the morning, I clear up dishes, put the dishwasher on, sort out laundry, put washing on, shower etc while baby is asleep. Once the 'chores' are out of the way, I could have the afternoon to have a nap, watch TV etc.

1. Nursery and call in help to entertain DS1 - DS1 is in nursery 4 days a week and we kept him in there for the full days till next month when he will drop to 3 days. On his days off nursery, there is a playgroup I usually go to with DS1. I haven't been at the moment as DS2 is so small so a friend who goes there with her 2 girls takes DS1 now. In that way, DS1 is keeping his normal 'routine' and not bored at home with us. We've also found that when there are other people to give DS1 attention, he doesn't play up as much so get in as many visitors as you can and make sure they fuss over DS1, that is more important than them fussing over the baby.

1. Make DS1 feel helpful - Get him to help with baby stuff, bring you cream, put a bit of cream on baby, bring a nappy etc so he feels responsible for the baby too...

Good luck! It really isn't as hard as you are so much more relaxed with number 2. We have found DS2 a lot more chilled out than DS1 so we are enjoying this a lot better second time round. Don't get me wrong, there are hard moments (we had a bit of a naughty step 'standoff' when DS1 thumped DS1 on the head and refused to apologise!) but I can't wait when they are old enough to play together! Good luck with the birth!

I used a moby wrap which is a really nice weight and level of stretch, I bought it from sasa slings www.sasaslings.co.uk/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=12 who will give advice over the phone, and are really nice. ime the only slings you can effectively bf in are the wrap fabric slings They look like they are going to be a nightmare, but it really is a doddle after a couple of tries. I ended up wearing mine all day and just slotting the baby in and out, well he was mostly in really.

Good luck

I had DS2 just four weeks ago and was worried like you are, OP, but no need. And this is mostly down to DS1 (2.7) who has been an absolute star and so sweet with his little brother. It really surprised me as he's a real livewire and quite demanding of our attention.
Maybe it's something to do with our deliberate, very low-key approach to Ds2 when DS1 is around. Everything is deliberatly very functional - eg he is fed, cleaned, changed and then put down - so as to get DS1 used to having him around very gradually. And I spend lots of time with and play LOADs with DS1 when DS2 is settled. It's when Ds1 goes to bed and on the two days he goes to nursery that I get all my cuddles with DS2.
So I would advocate having a very low-key approach to your new baby, certainly at the beginning, to let your firstborn gets used to the huge change. And try not to worry: motherhood is so much better - for me anyway - with two DC. I'm loving it and don't care that I don't have much time for myself:it's part of the parent package. I've had all the time in the world in the past and don't wish it back.
Best of luck.