girls and friendships...........................advice please!!

[linconlass]

Advice please!!My daughter is quite and outgoing girl and has a group of similar friends.Recently they have started planning to do activities together out of school - becomming more indpendant rather than playdates partly arranged via parents.My close friends daughter is in same class and is quieter in nature and does not seem to perhaps push herself forward for some things such as clubs or activities .She may wish to but is quite reticent in nature and can often get left out .I think that the other girls can push for their place in the social group.I think that sometimes the girls can be unkind to others to protect their position in the group and I have discussed this with my daughter and asked her to be kind..
I am close friends with one the more gentle girls mother.A few weeks ago the more "outgoing"group organised a couple of events between themselves- just over half the class - small class sizes- and my friends daughter did not get invited.
My friend said that I should have told her about it and not allowed my daughter to go to these events -( they were not organized by me) as it is wrong to support an activity that leaves some out ,They were outside school but much discussd in school i wd imagine.She said that if this group event is arranged again that she wd like me to support her by asking the other mothers to invite all the class so as to leave no one out or not let my daughter go.
I am really close to my friend and feel guilty but my view is at this age -12- they can choose their friendships as they are attracted to each other because of similar intrests etc. Im not sure its my responsiblity to flag this up with other mothers .Im not sure that the whole class can always be catered for. At the same time i dont think it right to ex clude children.Any pearls of wisdom please..

It's difficult, we had a bit of a problem when dd and her friends arranged their first independent trip going swimming. It started just a few of them and then it grew and some girls complained they had been left out. Nobody had been left out intentionally as there were only meant to be 4 going originally it just ballooned.

Why don't you suggest to the other mum that she organizes an outing for her daughter and a few friends.

Sorry, but your friend is bonkers! Is she saying that at the age of 12 your dd is not allowed to do an activity in her leisure time together with some of her mates, unless she includes the whole bloody class???

Does your friend follow this in her own life? Does she never give a dinner party without inviting the whole office? When she has a couple of neighbours in to tea, does she feel she has to include the whole neighbourhood?

12yos are not reception children to be protected by Mummy at every turn (tbh I am not sure this is even healthy when you are reception age).

It is up to her dd to find herself an activity which suits her and where she can find like-minded friends.

The only circumstances where your friend would have a point would be if the whole class had been invited with the exception of her dd, so that her exclusion was pointed. This is not pointed- just a bunch of mates going out together.

Yes, I agree with cory. I feel for your friend in wanting to protect her daughter, but frankly she'd be better using her energy to encourage her DD to be more assertive with the friends she has, or to identify other activities outside school that might suit her.

My DS1 struggles a bit in the pecking order of school, and I've tried to help him deal with that by doing things (eg Cubs) outside school with different children, so he's not always locked into that position in the group, and to develop his self-esteem.

I think you've identified the problem clearly yourself, and I like the fact that you have spoken to your daughter about being kind to this girl.

(( As a bit of a hijack I am thinking of asking my friend to ask her son to speak up for my son if he hears him getting teased (my son is 9 and is a little bit of a fringe member of a dominant boys group- my friend's son is very central to the group and is good friends with my son outside of school). Can anyone comment on this idea ?? ))