Anyone else think they've made a big mistake.

[cfc]

My boy is 6 months old and God knows I love the very bones of him but I really don't think I was made to be a mum.

I got pregnant so soon after our wedding and it was a shock but we were so happy. I think I feel resentful that hubby and I didn't more time to spend together, alone. And other resentments too.

The thing is he's such a 'good' little baby (not that I believe there's such a thing as a bad baby, you understand). Not such hard work as other babies I've read about on here. So I feel like a twat complaining about him.

I feel like a fraud. I say all the right things, I smile beatifically at him at the right moments...whereas all the time I'm thinking "how close are we to another nap time/bed time?".

Fake loving mum of the year award goes to me.

I can't imagine having another baby because I, truthfully, think it's really rubbish.

Hubby want to TTC soon and sometimes I agree about it but mostly I just go hmm.

I think having a little baby is 90% rubbish and 10% good.

I know I'm a terrible person. Flame me and tell me to get over it please, I've got a baby now and that's that.

Ps - my idea of heaven is always to have time alone ( like your cinema/hotel visit ) and it is very draining if you're like that ( think minority ) to have so much of your focus on a baby .

Sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. You are being so very, very hard on yourself!!

Apologies to start "psycho-babbling" , but how is/was your relationship with your own mother, if you don't mind me asking?

The reason I ask is that I had/have a very difficult relationship with my own mother and I had to be really shown HOW to love my dd at the beginning ...I feel guilty saying so but it just didn't come naturally to me at the time. (Now of course dd is the love of my life.)

But when she was about 3 months old, I knew I liked her a lot, I was very, very "proud" of her, I was conscientious in terms of her welfare (feeding, bathing, sleep routines etc) and I was very anxious about her health too, but I just didn't feel total overwhelming love for her as I had expected to. Tbh, I felt a bit distant and out of it. I recognise the "feeling a fraud" and "acting" bit of your post.

If it's any consolation, in my personal opinion, loving your child is a skill that can be taught once any underlying depression is dealt with of course. (I know that sounds really cold and clinical but "real" feelings soon follow once you are taught the basic techniques).

Again, sorry for the therapy-speak but you may have a sub-conscious fear about totally loving your ds because of a past experience, something that is acting as a "block" between you and him. (After all, loving someone does require a scary degree of vulnerability on our part.) Or perhaps you had been expecting a girl. Or perhaps had totally different expectations to how your mothering would be. Or perhaps having a third person in your family group has totally changed the dynamic between your and your dh in an unexpected way. Or perhaps your own mother was not the best role mother. Or, as others have said, you may have PND and not be aware of it (depression sometimes cut yourself off from yourself iyswim)

Or perhaps you are over-tired, over-whelmed and need some "me" time.

Or perhaps you need to go back to work. (I know I thought I would be totally fulfilled as an SAHM and although I did it for 3 yrs, I'm much happier now I'm back at work p/t.)

None of the above is anything to feel ashamed of. It's totally normal.

Why not try and find a good, licensed psychotherapist who could help you? It has to be someone you really click with. Try and get a personal recommendation if you can.

Good luck x

cfc

I have never been maternal or broody. I really was worried about bonding with my DD right up to the moment she was born.

I love more than my life but I do not want another.

My advise cherish and do the best by your child but do not have another, now that you know your feelings.

My DS has just turned two and I felt the same way you do until he was about 18 months and able to communicate with me. He too was an 'easy' baby which made me feel so much worse. Having a baby is a huge change to your life especially if you worked full time and had a full life prior because for a while these things take a back step. I don't want to make you feel bad by telling you my feelings lasted this long but you need to know that it does end. I desperately would like a second baby but am terrified that I will feel this way again. I do think I had PND too.

i think everyone has times like this though? being a mother is not 100% joy and wonderment. i definitely have moments when i pine for my old life and the freedom (and disposable income!) i had. and my kids are 5 and 3!

i think you've had some great advice on here - do go and see your GP or health visitor - you do sound like you need more support? i know they're not for everyone but i went to a baby group/coffe morning/out for lunch/whatever every day when sd was a baby. speaking to other adults in the same boat as you is very reassuring.

90% rubbish / 10% good does sound a little harsh, but yes having a baby is bloody hard work - and you won't be getting much back yet? don't feel that you have to say the 'right' thing - be honest some times? and living for naptime is fine - make sure you line up some treats for yourself!

if you can, then make some 'me' time on a regular basis. Can you get a babysitter sometimes? use the creche at a gym? go and visit rellies and let them coo while you go and get a facial? breathing space is a wonderful thing - i regularly have weekends away with my sister and it does help keep me sane.....

take care of yourself.

Hello to all who replied and thanks for your input, I am glad I'm not seen as a freak of (mother) nature here.

I have taken the Edinburgh Test and scored a 12 which they say I should talk to my GP about. We've come to my parents' place for Christmas now (hence my late reply) so I couldn't do that until after Christmas anyway. But if I still feel the way I do then I will speak to him for sure.

I am just looking up some surestart centres locally where we can get out and about to as I've left my groups behind in the South and we are in the chilly North for the next month so I am very aware that I need to get out and about with him and feed it even more when I remain indoors which I have been recently as it's been so terrible outdoors.

Anyway, thank you again.

I really feel for you and understand so much. I have two DS, born very close together and sometimes - often - feel I am not cut out for motherhood. Know you are not alone, please.

I too was a "professional" pre babies, and sometimes wonder where my life went, where I went, as a person, as someone with a brain and a life and opinions that people sought and listened to. After that, motherhood is hard; it's unfamiliar, there's no manual or degree one can take but your feelings of resentment shouldn't be underestimated. Talk to someone about PND, but try too, to realise that what you are doing, looking after this little one is worthy and special and very important. As important as any job, but not as rewarding! It doesn't feel like it sometimes and I have to remind myself of this every single day, it feels like!

Be strong. You have taken a great first step in voicing your feelings here.

Thinking of you x

I don't have any kids, though whether I should is something I wonder about v. often. I don't feel in the least maternal or broody. I'm very content with my life as it is. So is there any good reason for me to have kids...?

CFC

You are not alone - I felt like that (like you I had my first not long after being married). Let's face it, (hold the tomatoes please guys) small babies can be very boring. Looking after babies and children is utterly relentless. CFC, I most certainly felt like you did. When my son was a few weeks old and my husband was away on business leaving me alone I used to fantasise about NOT having a baby and being free!! It does pass, helped greatly by making friends with other Mums. And make sure you get some time out if you can.

I will bet you are a brill Mum, and also a very honest one. Thank you for your post.

Please speak to your GP or HV as you may well have PND. You have nothing to lose, and eveything to gain. But you need to be honest about your feelings, tell it exactly as it is, like you have here. And trust me, no-one will judge you.

But honestly, I'm a GP, and it sounds to me like you have PND.

cfc I could have written your posts, I too fell pg v quickly and unexpectedly after getting married (6 weeks) and felt angry upset and resentful.

I love my dd more than life but for a long time hated being a parent and craved my old life. I had pnd too. That just waiting for naptime/bedtime sounds v familiar.

Things got a lot better for me when she turned 18 months and began walking and talking more. So much so that I took the plunge and had another, ds, now 11 weeks. I wasn't ready to start ttc until she was 2 though and before 1 I was in a permananet state of shock.

I go out a fair bit to maintain my own sanity and dh is great about this kind of thing. Am v about a few friends who have weekends off each month to do couply thins/get drunk because their family take their kids overnight. We've had 3 nights "off" together in 3 years and only because we've asked. Its never been offered despite when I was pg with dd my Mum saying "but of course we'll help so you and dh can do things together". However these offers have never been forthcoming.

But hey ho mustn't grumble....