Am i over protective of DS? Won't let him stay at Grandpa's

[wheresmypaddle]

Hi all, objective opinions would be much appreciated. DS 2.8 happily stays with in-laws and with my mum and her DP. He sees them at least once every week and my mum looks after him every Wednesday for me. He sleeps over at one of these about once a fortnight and has a lovely time. He is generally happy in new situations and an outgoing little boy.

My father sees him less often as has less free time. He has looked after him on several occassions but never overnight, except for once when I also stayed over (this went really well). DS has a great time with my Dad and his wife, but is always less confident when we first arrive and then gradually warms up. My father is getting increasingly upset that I haven't asked him to have DS overnight. He thinks I am being overprotective and is clearly hurt by the situation.

My Dad's health is not great (but not to the extent that it would stop him caring for DS properly) and he is feeling hurt and left out. I feel having DS overnight would really cheer him up , especially if I was to 'loosen up' and leave them to it.

I can't seem to see this objectively- don't want to use DS as some sort of 'toy' to cheer up my father, but on other hand don't want to be overprotective and step in the way of a valuable relationship betweed DS and his grandpa.

Can anyone give me an objective opinion pls.

Have you asked ds how he feels about it?

Yes. He has said that he doesn't want to stay at grandpas house. He only says he would like to go with mummy or daddy or if my Dad bribes him with stories of fun, toys etc.

I have a feeling that he might be fine once he gets there but really don't know what to do for best.

Have been thinking about the underlying reason for my dilemma and if I'm honest I am really worried for Dad's health. He is in remission for bladder cancer, has some heart issues and now awaiting results of lung scan / xray (due next week). Its a horrifying thought but if he were to become really ill I would feel terrible that I had deprived him of time with DS for no good reason that being overprotective.

Can you stay over with your DS at your father's a few more times?

What's the worse that could happen? IF you trust your father to look after him then, personally, I think this relationship would be important for both of them

I couldn't stand my MIL and took me ages to allow DS to stay there.

However DS has a great time there and it would be wrong for me to deprive him of that.

Would your dad contact you if DS seemed upset?

Why not have your Dad over to stay at your house? That way you could leave them time together, while you do other things, but you would be in the background.

I second ZQ's suggestion - why not go there together and ask them to babysit during the day once or twice while you go out, and see how that goes? Then if he seems comfortable just leave him overnight without making a fuss about it in front of DS and see how it goes - at least then you've tried, even if it doesn't work out. Your dad sounds like a wonderful grandad and these early years is a really special time for grandparents and granchildren to spend together before the pressures of school start. And if your dad's health soon deteriorates, I'd guess you'd regret not trying at least. Do you get on with his new wife? If you trust and like them both, go for it and enjoy your evening out doing something lovely (with phone on silent...).

Agree with CocoK, normally in these situations I would say that you are the parent so it's up to you to decide, but as your DS does overnighters and there appears to be no underlying issues with the relationships, then it would be nice for all of you if you could get to the point where your DS could stay over.

I think its perfectly normal that your DS isn't enthusiastic about it, he is a toddler and it is something new, so I wouldn't be overly perturbed about his lack of eagerness.

Finally can I just say that you are very lucky to have this close family support, many parents don't and it is something to treasure as I believe it is very important to nurture close intergenerational relationships wherever possible, oh and it means you get a bit of time to yourself

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. You are right I am very lucky to have family who want to help.

Its a good idea for me to stay over with DS a few more times and will arrange that but its the having him to stay without me that Dad is hoping to do. I can understand that because I think DS only really 'gets into' other people when mummy or daddy are not there.

Yes, I really like Dad's wife (finally 3rd one lucky!!), so no problems there. She tries really hard to get on with DS, like a typical toddler he senses this.....

I like bulletproofmums comment of what's the worse that could happen?? I guess I'm afraid of leaving DS somewhere that he doesn't feel secure and causing him distress- but thats perhaps a bit dramatic. The worst case scenario is that it goes pear shaped and I have to go over to help them out- thats not a problem.

Thanks for all your suggestions.