Will I ever start to feel like a good mother?

[Bambinoloveseggbirds]

I'm back at work in 2 weeks and have been reflecting somewhat on the past year. I have to say that, as a whole, I don't think I have enjoyed my maternity leave at all. I have had a lot of crap from my in-laws which hasn't helped, telling me how I should be doing things, giving me funny looks if I do things differently and actually telling me that I talk rubbish when I speak about DS and how I want him raised - eg. SiL saying I was cruel for wanting to put DS in nursery. I love DS with all my heart and I think I look after him well in the sense that all his needs are met, but still there is a nagging thought in my mind that I'm not very good at this and am asking myself if I will ever enjoy it. It seems like constant worrying from when I get up till when I go to bed with very little fun inbetween. Will that ever go away?

I had a touch of PND and PNA so didn't bond fully until DS was 6 or 7 months old - until then I was convinced that he didn't like me. He is also a very chilled baby and can, at times, appear bored, so that made me feel like I wasn't entertaining enough. I am constantly asking myself if I have spoken enough to him, or played enough with him. I drive myself mad some days. For example, he is 10 months but not babbling consonants yet, so I'm questioning if he ever will and it's my fault because I haven't mixed him with other babies yet. SiL told me that I needed to take him to baby groups and I feel bad that I haven't because I don't like them - I feel like I've held him back and that they are all saying what a rubbish mum I am behind my back. In fact, they must be as they pretty much imply it to my face. He starts nursery in January and that was met with moans that he'd catch every bug going, implying that I am putting him in harms way.

I was never a baby person, and could take them or leave them, but I would die for my DS, so why do I feel like I'm not good enough? My friend said that I will feel better once I'm back at work as I have too much time to think at the mo. I'm not sure though. Is the second year a bit easier or will I forever feel inadequate as a mum? When does it start to feel like you know what you are doing?

I feel a bit sad TBH.

P.S. That post is longer than I thought. Sorry .

Second year is so much easier it isn't true. They can express themselves a LOT more, they can play independently to an extent, and you have more confidence and sleep. They also turn into so much fun - DS finds everything hilarious and makes the best monster noises. We sometimes spend a good half hour just roaring at one another, and he thinks it the best game ever.

And I'm amused that your child NEEDS to be with other kids, when it's toddler groups, but OMG might catch BUGS from other kids when it's a nursery. Not very consistent, is it?

Ignore them. You had a crappy start anyway, with PND, and they made it worse with their attitude. I have friends who so hated maternity leave they thought they'd ruined their lives, despite adoring their kids, and even now they say they go to work for a rest! Doesn't mean they aren't great mothers. Just not the cartoon caricature version.

Thanks perfectstorm. I guess I am totally out of my comfort zone. All of my support network: friends, family, work are back in London, and I'm surrounded by DH's family who haven't been very nice at all - even when they knew that I had PND. They just took the piss tbh. DH works long hours so I've felt kind of isolated. Thank you so much for reassurance. You know, if even one of them just said that I was doing well, it would make my day, but no, they put me down instead. Once my PND was starting to ease off they told me that I should get my hair done as it was a mess.

I didn't get the baby group thing either, like DS wouldn't catch anything there but would at nursery. My SiL is a twat.

So to recap:
Its your first baby, you had PND, you have bossy in-laws and a SiL who likes to put her nose in your business and a bucket-load of Mummy-guilt about nursery and work to boot.

Not really a surprise that its been a tough year.

There are all kinds of Mums just there are all kinds of babies. You may be happier once you go back to work, you may not. Tbh you probably won't be happier until you stop listening to busybodies and start trusting yourself and your son. He sounds like a poppet and frankly - he doesn't need flash cards in Italian. If you don't like baby and toddler groups, don't go. They are more for Mums than babies anyway.

When does it start to feel like you know what you're doing? Ummmm....never. You'll get more confident but then they'll grow or change or something new will crop up and you'll bumble your way through that phase and then the one after that. But you will bumble you way through - loving your little boy and that's what counts.

You seem to imply that you feel criticised by people other than your in-laws. And no mention of your DH. What's his take on how your boy is doing? It feels like you've got it all a bit skew-whiff and you need to stand back and take a look at the bigger picture of the year. You started it pregnant and now look at your boy. You've done that - pretty awesome, eh? Please don't be sad about a year of such hard work and achievement.

Duchess, DH thinks I'm too much of a thinker but he tells me often how he thinks I'm a great mum, which is nice to hear. My family and friends say that I have a chilled out baby and should be so proud. I am. You are right, he is a poppet and I am bloody proud. It's just when I have 5 mins to myself, I think and one thought turns into 20 thoughts - always negative. I only see my in-laws every other week but it's like I welcome them into my house and they have a go at me - like on bridget Jones 2 when the woman does the jellyfish thing. DH, bless him said that he doesn't listen to them and I should ignore them if they are bothering me, but I want him to tackle it. I've told him to listen carefully, as they are insulting him too, but he never does.

What you need is a far away safe place in the back of your head. I go there when in the company of my in-laws and hum a loud lalalalala - like anti-In-Law white noise. I generally respond to MiL on auto-pilot and often have no idea what I've agreed or disagreed about.

Just fade 'em out.

If you have a spare five minutes, go blow raspberries on your boy's tummy - he'll not let you do it for long.

"A Mother's place is in the wrong"

We all feel like you are feeling sometimes but sometimes there are also glimmers of happy, good mothering that shine through the mire of guilt that most of us are wading through! But you know what? even then it's guaranteed there'll be someone who will disagree with what you've done so you can never win if you judge yourself by others standards.

You can't please all of the people all of the time so fuck em and please yourself and your DS. He's your son so you do what you feel is best for the both of you.

Thanks Duchess and Seeded. You are both right. I like the fading out idea and I think DH actually uses it as he can't recall conversations with his mother or sister. I just don't get why they are so bitchy to me, apart from anything else, it's bloody rude.

'a mothers place is in the wrong'
I like that :-)

Its still early days yet, honest it does get easier, dont worry about it, you sound like your doing fine.
As for In Laws, they (well in my case, sepcially MIL) are put on this earth just to tell you what your doing wrong and make tut tuting noises and being bitchy IMO.
As someone else said just try to fade them out.

Another thing someone said to me which helps- You don't need to be a good mother. You only need to be a good enough mother. You're doing your best, and bloody well done.

For me, things got much better when I went back to work. But it comes with its own pressures- juggling childcare etc. so not plain easy wonderful sailing either. I hope it goes well for you in 2 weeks time.

I think Bambino you might like this book, if you haven't come across it yet:

what mothers do- especially when it looks like nothing

and what seeded said about your ILs. Fuck em and the pig they rode in on.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. Not everyone enjoys the early months and the 2nd year is much easier IMO. I expect you will feel loads better when you are back at work; you will gain in confidence all round, and will really enjoy the time you have with DS. And I'm sure he will enjoy nursery, and probably catch lots of bugs - that's natural and normal and good for his immune system.

Fuck em and the pig they rode in on.

OP, I had times when I felt like a good mum, but did find the early bits quite oppressive with my first child. I sometimes think I might have been happier if I'd had some time at work, away from him. but then I might have felt guilty about that, so who knows ....

FWIW, i have enjoyed mine more and more the older they've got. The bit when they start talking is funny and fascinating. Every part has its joys and challenges, but you just don't need negative people like your IL sticking their oar in. I think I've only coped as well as I have because my mum is so supportive. So bloody well done you for sticking it so far. BTW, babies learn to talk primarily from your influence, not baby groups.

I have times when I feel really on top of my game and a "good mother", but it is really about being "good enough", and just putting a lot of thought in (and problem-solving)

Thanks everyone. I think going back to work will be a good thing too. I've felt like my support has been snatched away this year - I've moved house, had a baby, got married and been away from friends, family and work all in one year - oh, and realised my MiL and Sil are bullies - let's face it, that's what it is - my friends can't believe I have put up with it and I daren't tell my family the extent of it. I'm a bit disappointed in myself though, the old confident me would have ripped them both a new poo hole by now. This really has been the hardest year of my life, and the happiest too. I just need to start standing up for myself I think. Thank you all so much for your kind words.