my 5 year old boy doesn't like birthday parties. what do I do?

[parsniponius]

my 5 year old boy (summer baby - born July) is usually a happy and upbeat boy but has developed a real fear about birthday parties.

he gets terrified about the prospect of going, saying he doesn't like the parents or that the other children won't play with him. we either relent and don't make him go (which we know is probably the wrong thing to do) or force the issue cue lots of crying and unhappiness before the party (usually ruining our precious saturday mornings!)

when we take him he is physically very nervous, cowering behind us or crying and very nervous. we usually stay with him but when we have the courage to leave him he is generally ok but does stick out as being shy and nervous and unhappy - whereas the other kids have a great time.

please help us with advice on what to do. birthday parties are coming thick and fast at the moment and the problem is getting worse not better!

thanks v.much, Helena

Personally, I'd say don't make him go! He's only 5, there's plenty more years to come, to enjoy going to a party.

Why force the issue, when clearly he gets very stressed and you end up stressed too no doubt.

Ask him everytime, by all means, but if he says no, just OK fine.

Has he got many friends at school?

Is he happy to have classmates over for tea and does he go to other people for tea?

If yes and you are not worried about him maiing friends I'd wait until he tells you he wants to go.

I wouldn't make him tbh.

Don't make him go; it's clearly not helping. You can have friends round one or two at a time.

I too wouldn't make him.

I would maybe invite the other child over for a play the week before - and gradually build up relationhips with his classmates one on one.

don't take him

thanks both.

i agree, but sometimes it can be difficult to say he'll go but then cancel at the last minute! running out of excuses.

he does have lots of friends and is happy at school and here, but the same problem applies to playing with other children at their house after school. he gets nervous of their parents (esp people he doesn't know) but again we feel that by caving into the issue we're possibly stunting his social development and making him miss out on stuff that should be fun.

don't take him if he doesn't like them. If they're not fun for him, what's the point?

go with him but make sure you stay

let him sit on your lap (or whatever) - don't force him to join in

put no pressure on him whatsoever...say something like 'oh we'll all go to Johnnie's party today, don't worry if you don't join in, let's sit on the side and just watch for a bit'

I'd do that until he starts getting used to them. Quite a few children don't like the crowd mentality of a party. Takes a bit of getting used to.

Then I'd agree with him that as he doesn't like parties you'll decline invitations for a couple of months and then discuss it again. I agree that you don't want to mess the other parents around at the last minute.

Be honest with people and certainly don't force him to go. My DS doesn't like a lot of parties and still wants me to stay (he's 7) if he does go. I think the whole class parties with an entertainer can be overwhelming for a lot of children (I was at one last Saturday with my 5 year old and at least 3 children didn't want to join in). He also doesn't like going to friend's houses alone. He's very happy to have them here. Everyone knows what he is like and is very accepting. He still gets invited to most things, has lots of friends and is slowly getting more confident and less anxious.

I used to loathe parties as a small child. I didn't really enjoy them until I was a teenager. I am quite socially adept nowadays so I wouldn't worry too much about him

god no don't make him go
i would just decline all invitations until he is a bit older or seems to feel happier about it
FWIW my ds was VERY anxious about everything last year when he was 5.5
i assumed it was because there were many changes in his life and that we had just had a new baby
but maybe this age is prime for worrying about stuff? he is almost completely over it now - we did try to push him a bit, out of frustration, and it didn't really work
leaving him to work through it in his own time did the trick - he is more confident and happy about things now

i like foxy's suggestion. ds can be very wary about things which i know he'll enjoy and i do have to put a bit more pressure on him that i would ideally.

he is always very pleased with himself for persevering. if he really hated something though i wouldn't push it.

agree that it probably makes sense to decline for a few months....otherwise it sounds like it might turn into a bigger issue. I certainly wouldn't force him. Christmas holidays coming up soon anyway so hopefully by the new year things may have changed.

thanks everyone for some very helpful advice.

sorry - i'm a nocie - what is a ds?!?!

I would agree that you should turn down invites for now and tell DS that you are doing this and he should tell you when he feels happy to go to them. Be honest with parents inviting about the reason for turning them down so they do not think you are being unfriendly. They will understand, i'm sure it will be no problem. Then invite his friends round in ones or twos - ask your DS who he would like round.

I don't blame him for finding these parties a bit daunting - they scare the hell out of me sometimes!

Oh by the way, DS means "dear son"

thanks everyone for some very helpful advice.

sorry - i'm a novice - what is a ds?!?!