I feel far too young and over whelmed. Help

[Shivahalo]

Hello, My name is Halo and I hope that I have entered this thread into the right section.

I desperately need help as I feel like Im at total breaking point. I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years and he has a 7 year old son with an ex girlfriend.

I am finding it very very difficult to adapt to being a step mum. We have my partners son every Sunday and every other weekend. My step son himself is a reasonably well behaved and sweet little lad, he has his moments but hey, all 7 year olds do. The fact of the matter is I am so sad most of the time when I think about the fact that my partner has a child with someone else. I know how immature that is. But I can't help how I feel. I love my partner more than anything, and I can't imagine being without him, but I need to do something in order to not be so sad about the entire situation.

It doesn't help that my partners EX has problems of her own. She is fine with her son but is very disagreeable and arguementative with my Partner. She suffers from depression/Bi polarism and does not work due to this conditions. Her attitude to my partner makes things even more difficult.

I don't need any comments on how I need to stop being selfish. Iv had enough of that from my partner. I just need some constructive advice.

Sorry I forgot to mention that I began be relationship with my partner when I was just turned 18. I am now 20. He is 30

Hi shivahalo, as you have been together for 2 years, you have obviously been seeing dss for a long time, what has made you feel like this now? Have you always felt like this?
Sorry to hear you are upset

Hi Poppy, thankyou for your quick response. I have always felt this way. I have tried to grow and adapt to the situation over time but time hasn't really helped. Iv never felt comfortable around children. Every weekend is a stressful situation. Its not My ss fault in the slightest. Most of the time he's a chilled little dude

I have had relationships with men who had children from previous relationships in the past.

I felt a bit jealous that they had had a child/children with someone else, and not me. I am now married and we have 2 children together, my DH doesn't have other children.

Do you feel there is a bond you are jealous of? Because of the child? Or are you feeling a bit tied down with the arrangement as you would like weekends free? Or am I barking up the wromg tree altogther

I know that much as I have wanted children for a long time, I would have found it hard to be a stepmum at 20 - I sometimes resent the responsibility for my own children and I'm in my thirties!

I dont believe you are being selfish at all, you are very young to adapt to being a step mum, it cant be the same as having your own at that age as then you have the whole bonding experience of pregnancy and babyhood. If you are not that into children yet you should be concentrating on having fun especially at the weekend with chosen partner. Do you think maybe due to your feelings on dss you and dp should consider a change in access visits to work around you not being in all the time and you having time with dp at weekend. You could always say on a sunday them two do something together so they can have their special bonding time on their own.

Minnie- I think your partially right, I do feel a little resentment in the way that I can't always do what I want at the weekend. And I am unable to do my work experience for my degree due to the fact that my partner does'nt like me not being around when he has his son over. Im not sure why. Im not jelous of the bond that they share. Although I wish sometimes they would have a bit more time juat on their own without me there cramping there style hehe.

Poppy- On the same note It's tricky for me to ask for a little bit of weekend 'me' time. my partner doesn't like me going out on my own at the weekends because he feels like he's missing out or il meet someone younger and hit it off (sigh). And the whole Sunday/weekend arrangment has been going since the child has been in existance. I don't really feel like I have the authority to ask for it to be amended.

aww poor you, it sounds like dp has some issues regarding trust, i understand you feeling like you couldnt change their routines but if your dp wants his son over he should let you get on with your own thing, he is being a little selfish expecting you to do as he wants every weekend and not listening to you regarding your feelings to his son. He seems to want the best of both worlds which is not fair on you at all, you are only young once and you should be able to enjoy yourself and study for your degree, he should be supporting you with that not causing problems.

I don't think you are being selfish to expect to be able to 'do your own thing' at least some weekends. Your partner sounds a bit controlling though, I would be a little careful that he feels you should always be around for his son's visits. I would resent feeling obliged to be there every time.

Have you asked your partner why? Or told him that you want to do something else? Maybe if you present a fun thing you would like to do - something specific so it's not just 'I don't want to be here' and test the waters? Maybe something that doesn't sound like a good pulling opportunity, like going to a retail park to get some Christmas shopping.

I don't want to sound like I'm encouraging you to pander to your partners expectations, just to find out more about how he sees it in a non confrontational way, IYKWIM.

Or maybe he doesn't feel very good at looking after his son and is worried about doing it on his own?

Sorry I have taken so long to reply, I don't really get a chance to come online very often =)

Did anyone else feel a similar way to having stepchildren? I think I just need to have a chat to someone who understands how I feel.

Something needs to give, otherwise Im going to carry on in this relationship with a constant niggling sadness that won't go away.

Sorry for my generally depressive attitude to the subject haha. Im not always this down. =D

Hi Shivahalo

Sorry to hear of your problems.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting some "me" time. We all need that.

I think you should talk to him. It may be that he doesn't realise how unhappy it is making you. The longer it goes on like this the more unhappy you will be and the harder it will be to change.

Good luck

HTH

Nick

Hello Shivahalo,

I know exactly how you feel! I am a stepmum to a lovley step- ds and i am 24, i met my dh 5 years ago i was 19 and he was 28, it was generally love at first sight with us ha ha, he told me right from the start he had a ds, this made me feel uncomfortable and unsure :-( at first like you say you have all these things going through your mind, he has a child to someone else, will the child like me, will it work, i did feel jealous of his ex that she had my dh baby and not me!!.
Sounds bad i know but its how i felt.

Luckily ds liked me right from the start and we have a great relationship.

Me and dh married 2 years ago and i became a stepmum at 22, i felt young to be a stepmum at first but we are very very happy now, we 2 have access to him at weekends thurs to sunday, i do sometimes think id like a weekend to ourselves to do things on our own, but me and dh do have our own space and that helps alot, he does his things on his own or with step ds and i do mine. I now have my own ds to dh he is 6 months old now and we all are very happy and step ds loves to help.
I do know what you will be feeling as iv been there.
If you love your dp then talk to him tell him you would like to do stuff on ya own and suggest that it wud be nice for him and his ds to do something 2getha.
xxxx

Okay, I have no experience of step parenting, but if your DP is a bit worried about being with his DS on his own maybe you could suggest an outing. Not sure what, but somewhere where DP could go off on his own with DS while you shop/drink coffee etc and you can them meet up with them too (zoo, theme park, adventure playground??). Maybe it's a DP confidence issue (especially as he seems a little controlling about you going out).

You definitely need to voice your feelings to him though as you shouldn't have to be there every weekend, nor should you not be able to go out on your own.