ex and DD's weekends

[mum71]

Please let me know if this message is in the wrong place.

Some advice please? DD (11) visits ex every other weekend. DD has 2 weekends in a row coming up where she has other commitments (with the school, nothing to do with me). She told her dad last weekend that she will not be able to visit, she says that he was fine with this. However, he has just called and has said that I must "make her" drop one of the weekends so that she can visit him because he will not be able to go that long without seeing her (he can't see her mid week because of work, which I am grateful of). Have explained that it's her choice, I'm not making her go, she wants to.

Our arrangements were worked out years ago between ourselves, no courts involved. Do I have to ensure that she visits every 2 weeks even if she doesn't want to.

Anyone with experience of this? What about when she gets older and would rather be with her friends than her parents? Do I still need to ensure that she visits every 2 weeks even if she doesn't want to? What about when she has GCSE's and will want (hopefully) to be studying (which would be impossible at his house and he'd be the first to admit it)?

Any help gratefully received x

Did I post it in the wrong place?

Hiya

I dont really know the answer to this sorry- maybe you would get more luck in lone parents section?
here

I dont think that you have to send her without a court order, but thats probably not a route you want to take

Hope Lone parenting can give you some answers

It does sound as though you and ex have done amazingly well over contact for DD over the years and now there's a bit of a hitch due to the fact that DD is growing up and her social/school life is inevitably changing.

Do you and your ex need a meeting to discuss possible changes in future contact when/if things crop up?

If there is still animosity between you and ex,it will be easy for him to believe you are stopping her seeing him on purpose and for you to believe he is putting unfair pressure on you, whereas it is in the nature of things that as children grow, contact may need to be adapted.

Maybe a mediator would be helpful.
DD is coming to an age where she could be involved in the arrangements. It would be sad to undo all the good contact you've managed so far when it just needs a review and some tweaking.
Good luck!

I think that, in this particular instance, you should ask him to tell her, as he is the one who is requiring her to ditch her plans.

Why should you be the bad guy?

I would have assumed that 2 weekends in a row at her main home meant 2 in a row visiting TBH. I really hate the 'I won't make her go, she has to want to go' attitude from resident parents though. I feel very strongly that is confusing for the child and an insurmountable barrier to mainaining contact for the non resident parent. If everyone takes a matter of fact approach to visitation, there should be no 'bad guys' .

I get this with dd1 a lot. She is 13, and my ex isn't her dad, but was with me from her age 2-9, and I'm ok with her spending her Saturday afternoon & overnight with him and her younger sister (his biological child) as they want to maintain a relationship. Her real dad emigrated years ago, so not available mostly for physical contact. Now she has a social life and sleepovers, he has had to adapt. It means he sees her less, but lets her invite friends over and tries to be flexible. Today she wanted to spend a girly afternoon shopping with me, so we just let him know. If he'd had concrete plans for their time, I would have said we'd do it another time.

Different situation, but the bottom line is that he has had to realize that things change, and we both need to respect her wishes, as she respects there has to be some give and take on her part too.

Any court would take into account a young person's wishes more and more as they get older, even if that means older teens choose not to have contact at all.

I agree that he shouldn't make you the bad guy, but also it sounds like you need to have a chat about how this sort of thing will start to crop up more and more, and you need a way of all of you compromising at times. Could she still stay overnight, for example, or pop over for her tea a couple of times?

Being flexible and trying a bit of goodwill (him, her and you) is the best way round this, not anybody insisting, as it is a surefire way to create resentment and obligation, which adolescents can start to get moody over.

I hope some of that might be useful, even if it's not quite your situation?

Thank you everyone

We've arranged to get together to have a chat about this.

BeehiveBaby, she won't be at home at all for the 2 weekends. She will be away with her school. He can't have her at all during the week. So his only chance to see her will be if she cancels one of these events. She doesn't want to do this and I think he is being a little selfish in asking her to do so. We have been on holiday for a fortnight before so he has gone for this length of time without seeing her. He would normally have her for 2 weekends in a row when this happens.

I don't know, I think he's being an arse. I'll talk to him, hopefully find out what the real issue is.

Thanks again x