insecure parenting moment - is it really bad to tell your child you are proud of them?

[bintofbohemia]

I've been mulling over this for a while after a thread on here some time ago. The gist was that it is really bad to tell your children that you are proud of them when they do something good, and things that link their self esteem to your approval, IYSWIM.

I'm not really explaining this very well, and it was a while ago, but it came back to me the other day when I found myself telling my son I was really proud of him for something.

(Is it to do with unconditional parenting? Obviously you want your children to know that you love them unconditionally, but how easy it it not to say that kind of thing?)

Can anyone please put me straight (or give me a virtual slap for beign a bit glum this afternoon...)

I did a parenting thing a few years ago and we were told that it's perfectly ok if not desirable to tell your child you are proud of them. However, what you must also do is give them praise for things that are not to do with ability/behaviour etc ie for just being them. So for things like having a lovely smile, or just being great. The important thing is that it's not all about approval.

well that has cheered me up slightly. I wish I could remember what the thread was.

I always tell DS I'm proud of him if he's done something really good. I thought it was positive reinforcement a la Dr Tanya?

You catch more ants with honey than vinegar or some such trite cliche (you get me drift)

succinct and to the point mmj

not it's not at all bad

speaking for me, as a child it would have been fabulous to have been told this rather than just be expected to assume it, and it would have made an enormous difference to my confidence

So,....me grabbing DS (who's only 4) and saying 'You are so CUTE!!!!!' is OK (will remember not to do it when he's 15 and with all his mates. I hope)

It might have been the thread about not calling your children clever, after the David Baddiel program.

this?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/43/723658-Don-39-t-say-Clever-Girl-or-Clever-Boy

I think the thread you might be referring to was talking about the idea some psychologists have that it is better to praise a child for the effort they have put into something rather than the actual achievement. So better to say "Well done, I can see you've worked really hard on that maths problem" than "gosh, aren't you clever at maths".

However, I don't necessarily agree with this pov. And it wouldnt be appropriate for very young children.

It's always nice to be told you've done something well isn't it? Why would it be different for him? I'm sure he knows you love him and are proud of him anyway but if he has made some extra effort why shouldn't you tell him he has done well? I see nothing wrong it.

I'd tell him and buy him a bun.

Ah, I see paisleyleaf has got there before me.

Heap of steaming p as tmmj so concisely stated. I tell my children I am proud of them and that they are

a. clever/beautiful/funny etc

I also tell them if they are being

b annoying/unkind/rough etc.

But most of all i tell them that I love the bones of them regardless of whether they are a or b.

I'm wondering if it ws something to do with saying that you "make mummy proud" or "make mummy cross" make them feel like their value is defined by your approval?

I may well be talking total bollocks now...

Arse biscuits, I say I am proud of my DSs all the time (3 & 1). Whether it be for the most random scribble, being the donkey for the Nativity play , getting the spoon from bowl to mouth ... what a load of crap, sorry. I understand not praising just achievement as opposed to effort, but bloody hell.

I do always tell both of them that I love them and they are fantastic and squish them into next week. Am making the most of it while I can (before they get too old to want to be squished by their mother) and I know I would have liked that when I was a child. I was worried I might be overcompensating and going too far the other way. Am worrying less now.

I tell my 7y DD all the time that I love her, how proud of her I am, how fab she, is, etc. It doesn't appear to have done her any harm as yet.

My DD lacks confidence in ehr own abilities at times, esp academically for some reason. She benefits from having her confidence boosting.

IMO all children do.

I spend a lot fo time telling the Y1 children in teh class work out how great they are, etc. too.

I'd agree it's positively good to tell your children you're proud of them. So long as you praise a range of things, not just one area. I think it would only do harm if you praised them every time they got an A in an exam, but didn't praise them for working hard to get a C in a subject they struggle with, or holding the door open for an old lady, or putting the bins out without having to be asked, etc.

I think it's fine to tell your kids you're proud of them. As long as it's not always for one particular thing, eg doing well at school. They need to know you love them no matter what, and it helps to give praise for any number of good qualities; being kind, being funny, trying hard, etc. Otherwise they might come to believe you only love them when they get an A+.

xpost with AMumInScotland - exactly what I was trying to say.

itwascertainlyasurprise - I also used that kind of phrase with the offenders when I was still working in the prison. For some it is the first time they have ever been praised for anything they have done. And for all their big talk many offenders actually have really low self confidence.

I think the idea is that it is better for them to feel proud of themselves than to depend on others.

So better when DC comes home with top marks/1st place in race/beautiful picture, better to say 'you must be so proud of yourself'.

I personally find it a bit strange to say to your child that you are proud of them because they are beautiful. It's a bit like saying you are proud of them for winning the lottery. (Although I don't see any problem with telling them they are beautiful or have beautiful hair or whatever)

Ok, so it's a bit late but I finally found the thread I was talking about!

Not unconditional parenting after all, but this is the thread that stuck in my head.

And I think it struck a chord at the time as I've been wondering if my parents were/are also narcissists?