In need of SAHM support

[PhilB]

Hi all. I'm a stay at home mum to 14 month old dd. Just wanted a bit of support from any other sahms out there as am feeling a bit on my own with it at the moment. I only have one other sahm who I know nearby.

I feel like at the moment every playgroup I go to I meet someone who tells me how much happier their child has been since going to nursery / childminder, and how you can really tell the ones who go to childcare because they're much more sociable etc. I know this is nonsense, all children are different, but feel like I can't make my case for being at home for fear of offending them, plus I also wonder if I would be happier working myself. I find it hard to stay confident about my decision to be at home, even though I know it's what's best for us. And why is it so hard for parents in general to talk about their choices for looking after our kids without getting someone's back up who's made different choices (I include myself)?

Anyway, just wanted to hear from some other sahms. Let me know how you deal with monotony, undifferentiated weekends, half-finished housework, and annoying playgroup know-it-alls!

Cheers,

Philippa

Hi Philippa, didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

I am a sahm too, my boys are much older now, aged 6 and 3 and at first I did return to work after ds1 was born.

I had almost a year off work, then he started nursery. I would tell everyone how much happier he was there but he wasn't, I lied because I wanted everyone to think that the choice I had made was the best one.

When I became a sahm when ds1 was 16 months I felt it was the right thing for me and him. I didn't care what anyone else believed. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and everyone feels like they are defending their decision.

As parents we are dammed if we work full time, part time or stay home. We can't win.

Staying home in the early years is hard. It is hard to get structure into the day, it is hard to finish housework, it can be mind-numbingly boring too. I think it is just like any other job, there are good bits and there are crap bits.

I found music helped a lot, get them dancing to stuff you like, do housework to music. Music can really alter your mood. When I got really mad with things I would jump up and down to music to calm me.

Also I had some "me" time, whether I chilled in a bath, went out in the evening to meet friends, learnt new things either on the internet, watched dvds or programs about things that interested me.

I have an amazing dh who is very hands on so I can go away for a weekend to see my best mate who lives 100 miles away. It helps.

Re know-it-alls, nod and smile

OK so they choose to 'use' you to validate their decision to go to work but why do you feel the need to justiy yours and worry about offending them? (beside the fact that you want to be nice and polite etc etc like we all do ) seriously you're happy not going to work when they say nursery happy sociable etc just smile and say something like 'that's nice' or 'yes he is a bright little chap isn't he' they'll be happy, you'll be happy.

honestly don't get drawn into it

I work so can't offer any advice about half-finished housework I'm afraid mine is perpetually half-finished.....

I have asked friends whether they are intending to return to work but in the same way I've asked them if they're intending to go away for a holiday

Hi PhilB,
My first 2 years as a SAHM were very hard. Lonely, frustrating, very low-ebb stuff. Then I met some like-minded mums and never looked back. I'm so pleased I've done it now - has been brilliant for my kids and for me (crap for our finances - but thats another story).

I think its such a hard thing to do. You're unpaid, generally unthanked, certainly unacknowledged by society. Good for you to have kept going.

And its one of 'those' conversations, like childbirth and breastfeeding - you can really only have good honest conversations with other parents who are doing exactly what you're doing, otherwise everyone gets defensive. I gave up long ago trying to justify myself to working mums.

Hi PhilB,

I'm really thinking about becoming a SAHM. I'm currently on maternity leave from a full-time job that I went back to when DS1 was 9 months old (only because I was pregnant again so really needed the money). Now DS1 is 20months and DS2 is 5months old. I had such a hard time putting DS1 into nursery, I really don't think it suits him, although I get a lot of critism from my parents and friends saying that he needs time away from me and to go to nursery etc (why??!) everytime I mention my thoughts on taking him out and being a SAHM. DS1 is still in nursery 2 mornings a week incase I was going back to work. However I've just dropped him off and he was very upset (i now feel hugely guilty) and I just don't think I can do it anymore. I don't know how i will manage putting DS2 in with all the heartache it will cause me and him

I need to make our finances work and sit down with DH and have a good chat about what we want as I'm really not happy about leaving my DS's when they're so young. But then I am worried if I'll be good enough for them i.e stimulating enough etc. Will I get too bored etc?!!

I think at the end of the day you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Sorry that's all about me

I think if you're happy you're doing the best for your children then stick to it and as another poster said just nod and smile!

Hello there - I'm a mum to a 14month old too, and although I am trying to keep my 'career' going in various ways, I mostly look after my son and I've tried out and felt very rubbish about nurseries! I can really identify with the 'oh, it's the best thing for them' thing. I find that very hard - for babies who take to it quickly then I'm sure it is, but my son didn't and I just couldn't justify the anguish it was causing both of us. But then I also have moments of doubt - like this morning! - when he's grumpily throwing his toys and I'm grumpy and impatient, wondering whether we should have stuck at it...
Anyway, you're not alone. I really don't think there the perfect decision exists. You just end up making the one that on balance you feel is best for everyone!

Hi all. Thank you so much for your support - it's really cheered me up. Great to hear about others' half-finished housework, and I think I'll start a hunt for my own like-minded mums nearby. And also about the doubt - that's it, absolutely - I know in a 'big picture' way that it's the right thing for us, but day to day it can be hard to remember that.

Yes, I'll just smile and nod next time someone tells me about how children who go to childcare are much better off. It's the generalisation that gets me, not someone telling me that their particular child is happier - I have no problem with that.

Tried to be nice to myself today. Fizzy - I made it a point to listen to music whenever I was at home (really happy about Spotify!), and it was very cheering. Also left the tidying and did a bit of reading during nap time. And got home and made myself a hot chocolate, instead of straight into getting dinner ready and changing nappies. I just find it very hard to remember how much better these little things make me feel and end up in a silent, dark house, needing a wee and trying to prevent dd from flinging scrambled egg too violently at the walls - enough to drive anyone mad!

Mama-sunshine - It sounds very hard that your parents and friends aren't supportive about your wanting to look after your son but, as you say, you are the one who knows him. I bet if they were dropping him off at nursery every week and seeing his reaction they would feel differently about it.

Thanks all - you've really helped me off to a good start to the week.

Philippa

Its hard, 14 months is a hard stage it does get better when they are heading towards 2 years old IMO, when they can talk and interact more. My DD had never been left with anybody else when she started pre-school at just over 2 (I had an awful 2nd pregnancy and had to be monitored at the hospital 3 mornings a week so I had to send her earlier than I had planned). Despite my MIL saying that my DD would find it very difficult, she settled without a tear being shed. She is a confident little girl because she has a firm stable attachment to me. Read the book Love Matters which says if a child doesn't have a close attachment to a person ( doesn't have to be the mother but the mother is best) for the first 2 years of his or her life then it can leave life long consequences.

I would be much happier in many ways working, but I cant leave my children. I will return to work when the youngest starts reception, I try not to think about how long that will be!

Sod the housework, will the child remember how clean their house was vs how much you played with them.

Hi Phillipa, I had a real crisis of confidence like this last week. I moved to my area when I met DH so not only am I a new SAHM to 12 month DD but I dont know anyone in my area either.

I've found it very very hard work, very lonely. My Dh also plays golf on saturdays so I have 6 days a week of it. I ignore peoples comments because my DD is flourishing at home. Just as my SIL revels in telling me the joys of nursery, I also have friends who use nursery but it breaks their heart and they would give anything to be at home. Each to their own, so do not feel that you have to justify yourself. Not ever. I think of it that whilst my DD is tiny, she has undivided attention from me, not split with other kids with a key worker. I meet other mums where possible so DD mixes with other children and when she is 2 i'll consider part time pre-school to build on this.

Housework is a non starter for me nowadays. i try to plan just some small jobs. So today it was to dust the bedrooms, DD plays with feather duster. Cant do a big blitz anymore.

I also address the boredom that sometimes sets in by using a weekly planner and putting a few games ideas on it for each day. Like stacking/building games or finger painting. So when DD is whining I use that as a kick start for ideas at something we can do without me staring at the shape sorter for 8 hours a day!

Hello Phillipa,
I've been a SAHM for the past 3 years and have a 3 year old and a 15mo old (as well as an 11 year old but he kind of gets on with thngs IYKWIM).
Previously I worked in a job which was very structured so I did find the lack of structure and routine immensely difficult and tedious at first but unlike you I have really benefitted from going to playgroups. I go to 3 a week and have made some lovely friends there. I have certainly never felt judged and it saddens me to think you have. Groups should be places to relax with your children, chat and talk comfortably about anything you want - usually parenting. Its the only place I find I can waffle on about my DC without people glazing over!
I did find things very tough about 5 months ago and felt I wasn't cut out to be at home, but this feeling passed when I accepted that being a SAHM is a bloody hard job. I still have crappy days when I long to be back at work (full time!) but in the main I try and cherish these fleeting years and see the bigger picture. Sorry if that sounds corny. Hang in there.

Hi

I found your message after searching for various things about "feeling cr@p for being SAHM" n eventually ended up here.

You have just said exactly what I have been thinking. I never got far in my "career" and there were constant redundancies meaning I started at the bottom rung of the ladder in a new company every couple yrs or less! This means I have never been paid much more than minimum wage and haven't got very far in any job. As such, when I got pregnant, I realised we could def not afford private nursery and didn't realise you could find any council nursery to take on babies. As such we went the SAHM route quite happily.... Until "friends" and relatives started putting in their tuppence worth...

As you say, I am constantly told LO should be at nursery by now (he is 19 months old) and how he would benefit soooooo much from it. I do feel really really guilty and worried about his development but I seriously can not afford to put him in nursery here at all. I have to constantly explaint that I have never earned 30-40 grand a year like a lot of my relatives do and then they also both work etc etc. They just do not seem to BELIEVE me when I say I cant afford nursery.

Everyone seems to look down on me as they believe I have chosed to stay at home like a 50s housewife n judge me for being a failure at life in general. I don't know any other SAHM's in RL - I wonder where they are all hiding or are they just ashamed to go public as I sure as hell am made to feel ashamed of myself for being so "selfish"?!?!

Anyway, thank you so much for posting your message as in reading the replies you have received, I have gained a new persepctive on things. Also, why do people assume they can grill you and chastise you for being SAHM but there is not a chance you would be as rude as to say anything about them working.

I don't care personally what other people do - it is their business. But, I do appear to be an exception to the rule as everyone else seems to feel they have a right to comment on MY life and how I suck. Great stuff. Ur self esteem is low enough when you become SAHM without @rseholes judging you from their high horses.

Phew - sorry - didnt realise I had so much bitterness there.

Hiya,

Im a SAHM to DD who is 15mths.
Yes you do come across those who think children do better when they go to nursery but i have found some of these are more trying to justify it to themselves more than you.
Personally i dont agree. I worked in a nursery before DD so have seen both sides. Personally i found children calling me Mummy upsetting- they saw more of me than thier parents (but thats a whole other thread)
My DD has only ever been with me and hardly left with anyone. Only grandparents a couple of times in the evenings. She is the most confident and social little thing and actually alot brighter than her cousin the same age who attends nursery. I agree about them feeling secure makes them more confident as people.
I love the one to one interaction with DD, rather than the 1-3 at nursery i used to have.

Yes there are days where its boring, but others its fab! Just like a day at work I suppose.
I try to have a few things planned throughout the week. Ie Mondays is swimming. We have a lesson every week. Tuesday is toddler group.
That helps to have some thing to focus on that day. However sometimes its nice to have a lazy day
I tend have some me time during DD's naps which helps. Be it Mumsnetting,watching crap daytime tv,or having a nap (Im 14 weeks pg with DC2 so that ones allowed! )
I do try and do activities with DD, colouring, painting ect as I find this stimulates her AND me! Plus helps the day to go quicker.

Housework- Well I dont think housework will ever be "finished"! its an ongoing task!!

Hope that has made some sense and isnt just rambling!

Hi, i am a SAHM to a 2yr old, also have teenager. Before DD2 came along was very happy in fulfilling job and career going well. However, job was as secondary school teacher and most of the difficult children really suffer from neglect. I taught in an independent school, so it wasn't material neglect, but lack of time/attention from their parents, and by the time their children are teens they are kicking up, and it is too late. I think it often starts with the decision to return to work asap. It puts pressure on everybody, and in the end the ones who suffer the most are the children. I think there is a huge push to get women back into work, and it is really counterproductive.

As to how to enjoy being a SAHM. don't worry too much about the housework. If it really bothers you, get a cleaner. Mine comes once a fortnight for two hours and it is life-changing! She's been coming for the last 3 months, but I wish I'd done it years ago, and it really doesn't cost that much.

I get out of the house as much as possible. With DD1, I went to every playgroup/activity I could find and met people there. With DD2, I'm more picky. I didn't find a group I liked in my own town, so I tried the nearby town and go to one where I've met like-minded mums. I have an allotment, which is great for 3/4 seasons of the year and DD2 loves. I wouldn't dream of staying in the house with DD for a whole day, it would drive me nuts. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money - feed the ducks, go to the park, go for a walk. You'll meet other mums. It's worth sticking to your guns.

All the best.

I'm a bit late to this discussion but wanted to add my bit since I too (mother of a 23-month-old plus second on the way in March 2010) face the 'nursery is best' comments from time to time.

The worst so far came last week when an expat friend who has two already told me I'd find it impossible to cope with the second unless I put my son in nursery. She went on and on about it on the phone, more a reflection of her rather isolated situation than mine I suspect but I finally thought, damn it, and told her exactly why I preferred being a SAHM, despite the boredom/frustration factor.

As I see it, it's this: I'm my son's first teacher/carer and I want to be responsible for what & when he's eating, how much he's sleeping (crucial for brain development), what he's learning (including the basics like housework, gardening, shopping etc) and the variety of activities/outings he's getting. Putting your child in a holding pen/nursery is no substitute for one-to-one tuition, love and care however much it aids the economy.

Being a SAHM is damn tough most of the time plus boring, monotonous and unpredictable. To survive, you've got to:

• constantly adapt you're approach (to the kids, your husband, your friends, critical others);
• meet like-minded people (a regular Friday afternoon meet-up with 1-2 SAHMs really helps me get through the week);
• accept all offers of babysitting from husband/trusted family members;
• resist getting upset about breakages/mess;
• focus on the future (you will be SO much wiser & stronger once you've survived the baby/toddler stage); and
• drink lots of hot chocolate!

At some point I'll be the smug one, able to look back and know I tackled life's hardest job of all and, hopefully, raised some well-balanced, happy, healthy kids.

Hi Agouti, thank you for your post - it is how I feel exactly. If the first five years of a child's life are massively important for their future development, and the first year, overwhelmingly the most important one, then I want to be there making sure those years are the best that they can be. I think of it as helping them have strong roots, so they'll grow into healthy happy sturdy trees/children/adults.

I keep telling myself I'm doing my duty as a mother. For me being a SAHM is soooo boring but my children need me. I have big plans to re-train once they have started school though.

Hi all. Just checked back and great to have new messages about this. I have been feeling much more positive about being a SAHM since reading all your thoughts. I really feel like the security of being with a parent or someone who can give them a lot of attention outweighs arguments about being more sociable because of being with other children all day, but I hadn't thought of it like that before, and it's nice to have it clear in my mind.

Paranoid - it sounds really hard to have so many people close to you being negative about your choice to be at home. I think that my mum and MIL do approve of my choice, because it's what they did themselves, but they are also wary of being too positive for fear of seeming judgemental of others. Why do your relatives look down so much on being a SAHM? You have to be constantly alert, super organised, really creative in how to keep your LO entertained, physically fit. It's a really tough job, much harder than the job I did before, which was fairly well-paid but no more rewarding for that, just a lot of stupid politics and nonsense. At least DD doesn't ask me to 'think outside the box'! Sorry to cross-reference (hmmm, not sure of protocol) but you could post on your local Netmums (or Mumsnet if it has that facility) to find other SAHMs in your area. I've thought of doing that myself.

Jemart - I think duty is dead on. I feel like it's what I signed up for, even though I wasn't aware of it at the time. DH and I chose to have this baby, and we can cope financially for me to be at home, so I should be looking after her myself. It's a funny feeling because I've never felt a duty to do anything much before, but it just seems like, like it or not, this is what I ought to be doing.

I like the idea of painting and colouring - will get some equipment. I find it hard to keep up with all their new skills! And outdoors as well. We have a veg patch in the garden, so I think that will be good for the summer when she's walking.

Thanks all again, really inspiring to know you're all out there and sometimes struggling but more often succeeding.