Anyone had a new baby when DC1 is aged 4 to 5...?

[mankymummymoo]

Have found out Im PG, bit of a shock to say the least and circumstances very far from ideal.

I already have a lovely DS who is 4.

Does anyone have any experience of having two with this age gap?

I have a friend who is struggling really badly with a newborn and a 2.5yr old and I'm really scared I wont be able to cope, especially as I may well be on my own.

DS is very chilled out and we are really close, Im also worried about the affect it has on him.

Any thoughts/advice would be very gratefully received...

could and been, sorry

anniemac - jealously has been an issue for us too. DD loves having DS, and given the choice prefers him being there to time alone with me. But ideally she wants him there AND the same amount of undivided attention she used to get. This has led to her playing up badly during the early days when I was bf DS every two hours or more and holding him constantly (he hated being put down) DD would complain "you're always feeding or holding DS" and I shared her frustration but there was little I could do. It's settled down now there is a much bigger gap between feeds, DS can be put down and has a late afternoon nap where DD has my undivided attention. I tell her that she simply has to say "I'd like some attention please" in a calm voice when she needs to, rather than doing something naughty to get attention.

In terms of leaving her at school, the worst time though was when I was pregnant and she was going to nursery at her school. My bump getting bigger coincided with her second term and the realisation that actually, school isn't a novelty but is every bloody day for a very long time. She had separation anxiety when I left and was jealous of me taking the baby away with me. But we worked through that, so after DS was born, it hasn't been an issue.

The other negative is that you are committed to working round the school run, so can't just go at your baby's pace. This means that DS often has to be woken up for a nap to go collect DD, or he is grouchy because he needs a nap but hasn't had one. Also means that if your baby does a massive poo just as you're about to head out the door, you have to change him in double-quick time because you can't be late (although you get some leeway from the school).

The last negative I've found is that it's a while before you'll get the benefit of siblings being able to play together. I make sure DD has a friend over one day a week, and she also does ballet and sometimes goes to a friend's house, so she gets plenty of non-school playing with other kids her age. It also makes after school more special for her.

of course you can do this

dd2 was born when dd1 was 5.2

she is at school, which is great for me because I can sleep while she's out and then when dd2 is older I will have one on one time with her

she is old enough to understand that sometimes the baby comes first, but it doesn't mean I love her any less (I do make an effort to make sure she isn't pushed out but sometimes dd2 is really loud in her protests )

she can fetch and carry a bit

she can wait a few minutes for a meal or snack if I am dealing with dd2 without getting loud herself

dd1 is besotted with her new sister and I am besotted with both of them

for us as a family it's working really well, although it's early days yet

We have a 4 year 9 month gap between DS1 and 2, and a 2 year gap between DS2 and 3.

Although we've not had to deal with any jealousy at all between any of them, from a workload POV the bigger gap was far far easier, and the three of them are like peas in a pod, so far we've not had either of them being left out, or two being much closer than the other etc.

I think it completely depends on the children and on the parent/s, each situation is different, all we can do is drink wine make the most of it!

DD nearly 4 when DS was born.

IMO it is a wonderful age gap. DD was already fairly independent and could amuse herself and look after herself (brush teeth, get dressed etc) and she went to nursery so I got lots of 1-1 time with DS when he was tiny.

Now DS is 18mo, she is so protective of him and "reads" him stories and sets up little games for them to play together.

There is jealousy, and sometimes she doesn't like DS getting more cuddles than she does (purely because he still gets lifted up and carried sometimes which is nigh on impossible with DD because she is so tall!)

You will LOVE watching them together as they get older. It will just melt your heart, honestly.

What a massive amount of lovely posts. thank you everyone... will post later badgering you all with specific questions - DS wants to play train tracks !!!

MMM - there's a 5 yr gap between ds and dd (dd 16 weeks old). I didn't plan a big age gap but had fertility problems. As it happens, it's going really well. Ds absolutely adores his baby sister and, like others have said, is a great help fetching things and entertaining her Also agree that it's great to fuss over dd whilst ds is at school and equally to spend some quality time with ds in the evenings whilst she naps (though she doesn't always cooperate ).

Anniemac - Congrats Delighted for you. Think we were on the same thread for a while.

I have a 4.5 year old, a nearly 3 and a month old baby and personally I am finding it a hell of a lot easier than I did having a new baby when dd was 18 months.

It's a good gap, I think - you will be fine

new baby is dd's favourite toy

Congratulations, you are going to have a wonderful little family.

There's a 4.5 year gap between my children. I have to say it's not been easy for my eldest DD to adapt to having a little brother.

In some ways it's been easier, especially practically. DD could take herself to the toilet, dress herself, feed herself, walk reasonably long distances (no double buggy hurrah) and she started school about 6 months after DS was born.

It's also been wonderful watching her play with DS, teach him new skills, and when they cuddle each other it is fantastic.

However she was able to express her jealousy verbally. I found it so hard when she was saying that she wanted to put DS in the bin, or that she loved DS but hated me.

Some of her behaviours and skills seemed to regress, especially her ability to play imaginatively on her own without adult input.

I think it took a good 12 months for her to settle back and feel comfortable again. Even now we have relapses and of course DS is now able to fight compete for my attention too.

But I think any age gap comes with pros and cons, I don't think it's worse with a 4-5 year gap, just a different set of issues to deal with.

I read 'Three shoes, one sock and no hairbrush' which talks about having two children - it doesn't sugar coat the experience and may say things you don't want to hear - but I did find it incredibley useful.

Ds1 was 4.8 and just started school when ds2 was born. No jealousy. So loving. So helpful. They adore eachother. Yes you have done it all, and then go back and do it all again. But the relationship between the children is so beautiful. Much easier than a jealous toddler. Most people don't leave it that long between children. We didn't intend to. |But the pro's have been fantastic.
Hope it goes well for you OP.