Is your parenting approach, Dogmatic or Pragmatic?

[ElenorRigby]

Do you follow Spock, Gina Ford, attachment parenting, unconditional parenting, pinkfluff by the numbers parenting
or whatever
Or do you parent intuitively, with consideration for all involved.

Interesting ...

I would say, that when DS1 was born, I had no intuition, so I used GF, with big pinches of salt.

I have a background in psychology, so I definitely use cognitive behavioural principles in dealing with parenting issues now.

Other than that, I suppose I parent in large part the way I was parented (a lot of which was to do with routine, and consideration for other people), except that I think i probably am much more concerned about allowing my DCs to express their emotions a bit more than I was encouraged/allowed. I hope they will know themselves better than I did, and they will become more assertive and confident than I am.

Just to add, I think that GF appealed to me when DS was little because the shock of the first baby for me was all about feeling a total loss of control over things, and GF is about regaining control (albeit, sometimes, illusory).

With DS2 I found myself much more able to relax and listen to what he was trying to tell me (as a baby).

I try to use UP but must admit half the time I'm just making it up as I go along.

I think I parent a lot the way I was parented. My Mum who had 4) always used to insist that every child had to be parented differently- I am beginning to see the wisdom of that now.

CAn you give us a breakdown of pinkfluff by numbers parenting- sounds an interesting one.

I've just winged the whole lot. Turns out that's called the benign neglect school of parenting!

I let DS (whos nearly 2 now) generally lead the way (in terms of determining sleep and meal patterns) and go along with it to a greater degree. It helps that he likes the routine he sets and it fits in well with my life. It will be interesting to see how things change though, as I'm 37 weeks pregnant with DC2!

pragmatic for sure. Before DS was here, I was v. dogmatic and DH throws it in my face every now and then - but I always say, well, DS is a lovely happy boy (at 23mo) so it can't be that bad.

Examples of caving in pragmatic overthrow of dogma:
"definitely not sleeping in my bed" to co-sleeping - couldn't part with him and bfing was hard work to start with; still sleeping in with us now
no tv - better for him to watch it for a while when I was working than scream with loneliness
no chocolate or sugar - well, I held out on that one for a long time but now he has some chocolate when I have some, but only a tiny bit
no "plastic tat" - came from friends and godparents and some of it's not that bad
no bribery - oh well that was never going to last!

There must be other examples as well - but I can't think of them. I have no real "guru" or system that I follow and I do things differently from how I remember my Mum doing them (mostly) so I guess I must be making it up as I go along. Working so far!

I did read Libby Purves' book "How Not To Be A Perfect Mother" - that helped a bit, mostly because it agreed with the benign neglect idea that Naetha mentioned! Good book, that.

I'm from the 'Accidental Parenting' school of thought:

"Shit, what did you do?"
"I don't know!"
"It worked!"
"Do it again"

Keeping the baby alive was my main focus, tbh...

I've read loads of books and looked at different ideas, one thing I learn't was never take other people's advice on anything over what feels instinctively right to you. So if you don't feel comfortable with an idea or theory but think you 'should' then you're probably on dodgey ground.
'the secret of happy children' by Steve Biddolph was a great book and full of common sense

i think parenting just sort of happens to me rather than me actively choosing a method.
what does that make me?

Pragmatic.

Or more accurately 'accidental'.

Actually it's not just parenting....

i mainly muddle throu and hope no one notices any mistakes i make
on thinking about it,i do opposite school of parenting, i strive to ensure that my kids are not dragged up parented how i was.

ooh ruby, i like the sound of that

you mean you dont already?

Mix domatic with pragmatic.

There are hard boundaries that cannot be crossed. DSs like to know where they stand and respect that safety and certainty of know what is and is not allowed.

We try to be an inspiration to our children though and lead them by example. We also spend a lot of time talking to them and try to have proper conversations about how we feel about things and why we have the boundaries and why we disallow or allow things. Never say 'because I said so'.

We also let them have fun and be children and are not always standing over them.

I'm big on not hovering...DS is going to fall, make mistakes etc. and I think he needs to do that on his own.

I am really firm about manners though. I don't know why, other than that I just dislike rude children I guess.

I wasn't into the whole attachment/co-sleeping/only organic/breastfeed until school thing, but I've seen it be a lovely way to go for some parents. I think you just have to feel out what works for your family and your individual kid. Sometimes it changes day to day.

I am definitely a pragmatist.

I have pretty much followed instinct as a parent. I did have a Dr Spock book when I had my first child and like it. I managed to conveniently ignore the bits I wanted to, but I thought most of the advice was very sensible.

Things like AP, UP bother me because they make up 'techniques' and give them their own names for things that women have been doing since the dawn of time. By chance, I AP'd with infants and toddlers (sling, unrestricted bf, co-sleeping), but as they are older I am now the opposite and they are tumbling up.

It has varied over the years- I remember getting the Christopher Green toddler taming book and finding parts useful , and with my teenage daughter and stepson I have been known to say "This is not a democracy- it is a benign dictatorship!", and I am just winging it with dd2, who is autistic with severe learning disabilities and a creature all her own. Overall I would say I am pragmatic, easy-going over most things, but old-fashioned when it comes to things like good manners etc.

I'm a pragmatist too!
As an ex Catholic, I am very familiar with dogma
Dislike by the numbers parenting as a result.

I parent in a very similar way to my parents. Most of it is instinctive. I read books, but I would never follow all of it, I just sort out the bits that suit me. Not every DC requires the same sort of parent-it all depends on personality.

I started off trying to be dogmatic but it didn't take me long to realise I didn't have a hope in hells chance,...
I, too, subscribe to the benign neglect school of parenting!

Like Abetadad, a bit of both. DS responds well to having reasons explained to him, we try to be kind and fun and we don't follow any system or book (though have found several books useful, especially How to Talk... and Baby Whisperer). But we are very firm about the important boundaries and rules like not hurting other people, and that throwing a strop will never get you what you want etc. Also believe strongly in teaching DC to take responsibility for their stuff, take part in housework, shopping and cooking etc., not be waited on hand and foot.

I also can't be doing with ultra-dogmatic systems where people adhere like religious zealots to a particular set of parenting values. Any system that won't allow a bit of flexibility or adapt to different children is suspect IMO, and makes it harder to rub along with other families. We know some ultra-AP types who really struggle and have lost quite a few friends because they just will not limit their DC behaviour and are horrified if any other adult says no to them. Does my nut in. Equally though I get upset when I see people GF-ing their children to the letter.