i used to make mine give each other a hug and a kiss when they were little. and always got them to say sorry. with a little speach ( in nice voice) about how they are brothers/sister and love each other.
to my oldest - something along the lines of... i know they get on your nerves but don't think i can't see how brilliant you are with them most of the time and i am so proud of you etc....
i think sanctions only work if you have rewards too.. those rewards dont have to be money or thngs. but think of it as YING and YANG - you shout - but do you praise? if you take things away when they do something bad - do you give them something if they are good?
i think things like the pasta jar sanction/reward system is a good system to remind the parent and the child
so you put some pasta in a jar ( or beans whatever) and when they are naughty you take one out - but if good you put one in. - then at the end of the week, add up and reward of your choice.
i also think these things arent fixed - there is no ONE answer - kids grow and methods have to change.
my one constant is apologising if you are wrong - that includes me and dh as paretns - we do get into situations where we may blame the wrong kid for breaking something - so it's important you lead by example and in front of other kids plainly apologise - not a quick mumbled - sorry, but i'm cooking - but a stop what you are doing "i am sorry i thought it was you, do you forgive me?" type thing.
you can be as hard as a rock - as long as sometimes you are as soft as shyte too.
to this day i think my bigest achievement as a parent is that my three kids are very close and love each other and would fight for each other and defend each other - they are 19 and twins 16 - and the twins visit older bro in his flat v. regularly. ds1 (19) and ds2(16) go skating and BMXing together - its lovely.
i have failed miserably in some areas in hindsight, but i really truly firmly believe that you need to praise as well as tell off
too often as paretns we can go through whole days of don't do that" "don't go there" "don't touvh that" " don't say that" its like a reflex don't don't don't don't
but making the time to sit and do xmas decorations for instance - or halloween and letting them make a mess and telling them that their god awful pictures are beautiful - even framing the good ones to put on your wall.
i have a framed picture from my mephew on my wall - he drew me a rainbow picture for my new house. i love it.